I've been thinking about the title of my blog. I've been thinking of how funny it is that when I named it I was trying to convey the total randomness of my thoughts and life and writing. I didn't (and still don't) have a theme or a focus for this blog, other than just getting thoughts out of my head. However, I did feel the word "random" was overused, so I chose some words that meant random.
When I started this blog, I did feel as though so much in my life was haphazard. I had an almost-two-year-old and a not-quite-four-year-old and when you have kids that age, everything seems like chaos. Just when you think you've figured out a routine or something that works, that stage has passed and you're trying to figure out life (or even dinnertime) all over again.
My kids are five and seven now. Sure, there is still plenty of chaos and unpredictability, but the moment-by-moment insanity is not nearly as bad. Despite outbursts of crazy boy-energy, we have settled into more of a.... I won't say "routine," but maybe a "mutual understanding." I no longer feel like everything is a spiral of randomness.
I've realized that being deliberate is not only important, but necessary. With the way I respond to the boys' questions and behavior, I can't just wing it. I have to put thought into it and purposely choose the way I react and the motivations for my reactions. I want to make sure that I'm teaching them to think for themselves and to use discernment and make wise choices, but also to enjoy the hell out of life. Most kids don't learn that by accident. Some do, but don't I want my kids to remember that they learned at least some of that from me?
With my thoughts and my writing, I've also realized I've become more intentional. Not that I've lost any of my craziness, not that I have everything figured out, and not that I know what I want to be when I finally grow up; I do feel that I am a little more focused about what I think and what I (try to) write about. Where before, the thought of being deliberate seemed unattainable and therefore overwhelming, now being deliberate seems like a welcome necessity.
I obviously don't know what the future holds. I don't know what life has in store, nor do I know how long this stage will last with the boys. I could wake up tomorrow to an almost five-and-a-half-year old and a several-months-past-seven year old who have changed everything and feel like I'm starting all over again. I could lose all sense of focus and go through another phase where I don't know what I think about most things. Because of all this (and also because I'm ridiculously sentimental), I'm not going to change the name of my blog. I'm going to leave it and see where life takes me.
I do, however, realize that there is no reason to cling to randomness when a little bit of intention is appropriate and necessary. I'm learning to live with both the antonym and the synonym of deliberate.