Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Half Tattoo is Better Than Nothing

I realized something about myself this morning. When something is really bothering me, I tend to shy away from some of the things that might help me the most. Even though I know I shouldn't be that way, I guess I just feel that I don't have what it takes to force myself to expend the additional mental and emotional energy needed to do what I should. One of the things that helps me is my writing, but I just haven't been making myself do it. I have more thoughts on this, but I'm not ready to write them out quite yet. I will though. And I'm going to do another write-everyday-month next month. I need to get myself back on track.

Until then, here is a pic of my new tattoo! Kind of! The artist scheduled two of my friends and me for appointments that day, but then he got a pseudo-girlfriend and made plans with her for Saturday night and didn't have time to finish my tattoo. Now I have to drive all the way back up there next month to get the rest of my tattoo. I am completely annoyed by this, but good things come to those who wait, right? RIGHT??

Just imagine it looks like the picture of the flower from my previous post.

That's what I'm doing.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sunshine, Yoga, and Another Tattoo

Wednesday was the first day in months I actually let myself think Spring might not be dead after all. The sun was shining and I got to leave the office for lunch and go on a drive and listen to the live Jack Johnson CD with the sunroof open. I found a dress for my friend's wedding. Even though work is still totally terrible and depressing, I had a few really good moments. That was nice.

Today it is rainy/cloudy and we are expecting rain off and on for the next week. It is also only going to be in the 50s, so I'm not really excited about that. However, I will take 50s and raining over 20s and snowing any day (you know, if 80's and sunny aren't an option).

I still feel all weird and not myself, but I'm taking some steps to try to get myself out of this funk. The first thing I did was to take up yoga. I ordered a Barbara Benaugh DVD and a pretty green mat from Amazon, in search of some serious zen. I figure I must do something to help me stop feeling so frustrated with the weather and the way things are going at work. I'm about a week and a half into my yoga experiment, so I'm trying to tell myself this could just be a yoga crush. But I must say that I'm loving it. I love that when I feel myself getting stressed at work, I think to myself "Make your out-breath deeper. Lower your shoulders." and then I do that and it actually helps.

AND..... tomorrow is tattoo day! I'm finally getting my next tattoo and it's gonna be beautiful! (I hope. That's the plan anyway.) This week has been weird and sad and stressful, but tattoo day is finally almost here and I am finally getting SO EXCITED! I have wanted something on my arm for a long time and I can't wait to see how it turns out! I'm getting really tired of not having something to fill this huge blank spot on my arm.

So... that is my update. Sunshine+yoga+tattoo = chipping away at a serious funk. Now, if I can just make it to summertime...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


derail (v)
de•rail [ dee ráyl ] (past and past participle de•railed, present participle de•rail•ing, 3rd person present singular de•rails)
transitive and intransitive verb

1. come off rails: to make a train or tram come off the rails, or come off the rails
2. send or go off course: to send something off course, or go off course
Synonyms: disrupt, upset, wreck, ruin, spoil, overturn, unsettle, disorganize, interfere, dislocate, disturb, derange, disorder

I can’t believe so much time has passed since I last blogged. This is just insanity. Nothing excessively terrible has happened, but I feel completely derailed by this winter. I had all these things I was working on. All this areas of my life needing improvement and I was going to tackle them. Now I have no motivation at all. I keep joking around that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. The bad thing is…. I’m not exactly joking. I looked it up, and it pretty much describes how I feel:

"Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter….
Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder."
I really want to write. I just feel like I can’t make myself do anything other than what is absolutely necessary to make it through each day. I get up in the morning after hitting my snooze button way too many times. I try to work out, but I usually can’t get out of bed early enough. I get ready. I got to work. I spend the day trying to focus and get enough done that I’m not too far behind. I drive home. I eat dinner. I try to muster the energy to play with the boys for a little while. I fall asleep on the couch after the boys are tucked in. Ryan wakes me up and makes me go to bed. I'm such an inspiring person!

And I really do blame all of this on winter. I know people have all those annoying clichés about attitude and positive thinking, but none of them help me. And don’t even get me started on being glad that I’m not as bad off as some other people. In my opinion, focusing on the misfortune of other human beings is a terrible and stupid way to try to feel better. Just thinking about someone suggesting that pisses me off.

I really don’t know what to do. I am so freakin sick of looking out the window and seeing gray skies and patches of snow partially melted into the mud from the one day recently it actually got above freezing. I’m sick of going in to the office day-after-day and sitting there with all the other depressed and grumpy people who are also sick of cold and gray and snow and stupid winter. I’m sick of feeling like everything is imploding there and no amount of effort or hard work from me can do anything to stop it. I’m sick of feeling like my life has been derailed by the most horrible of all seasons.

I think I’m just sick.