"I just wish there was something I could do."
"You can pray, Honey."
"That isn't doing anything. That is doing something that is exactly like doing nothing."
Yes, I actually had that conversation with my mother tonight. I'm exhausted and feeling particularly candid at the moment. I'm waiting for news about one of the most important people in my life. She is there and everything is going on there and in everyone else's hands and I am here. I am sitting on my couch, drinking a glass of wine, with Gilmore Girls playing in the background (the one with the B&B), my laptop on my lap, boys sleeping in their room (as they should be since it is after midnight), all alone since Ryan is at work, and I am here. She is there. My heart is there.
Of course I am praying. There is a continuous thread of prayers running through my head. I am pretty sure that even if for some reason I decided there was no God to believe in, I would still pray in my head in times of stress or crisis, simply because I never remember a time when my inner voice didn't talk to God.
However, I realize that there are a lot of time that people pray for things that don't happen. And that kills me. And makes me feel totally helpless.
Like how I feel now.
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