Friday, December 14, 2012

In Which I Resort to Profanity

(Warning:  If profanity offends you, maybe just skip this post.)

If you've met me in person and we are acquaintances, you have probably never heard me curse.  I don't curse while I'm driving, nor do I curse when I hurt myself or something surprises me.  When I'm speaking out loud, I try to find ways to express what I think without using profanity.  This isn't any kind of judgement on people who curse more than I do, it's just the way I was raised.

If you REALLY know me, however, you know that my upbringing only reaches so far.  If you've been around me when I'm overwhelmed almost to the point of speechlessness or when I'm drinking and passionately discussing an issue that is close to my heart or even when I'm totally sober and extremely worked up about something important, you've probably heard me curse.  It's not like the curse words just slip out and I can't stop them, it's that I begin to feel that no matter how decent my vocabulary, no words truly express the depth of what I'm feeling.  So I curse.  Shit happens.

When I hear about the recent mass shootings and other tragedies that take children away from their parents and siblings, I run out of words.  Words seem so completely pointless and meaningless in the face of shattered lives. With all my heart I wish that there was a way to bend reality, to undo the horrific things that have happened, to mend the families that have been changed forever.  It takes my breath away and my heart weeps and I feel overwhelmed with lament.

And then I get mad.  And I curse.

What the fuck?  Life is not supposed to be like this.  Kids should be able to sit in their classrooms or ride their bikes or commute on a school bus or walk across the street or go Christmas shopping with their mom without the stupidity, carelessness, or murderous intent of some other person snuffing out their precious lives.  For fuck's sake, what the hell?  What is wrong with people?  Yes, I get that people are broken and the world is a messed up place.  But things like this will never be okay and I will never understand.

I keep seeing people write about not blaming or not reacting rashly or not taking away rights or just praying for Jesus to come back, but really?  No amount of prayer, candlelight vigils, dedications, or memorials can ever make right the wrong that is done when the actions of another person -- intentional or otherwise -- take a child's life.  Holy shit.  There is no damn way we should be expected to simply accept that these things happen or to try to make sense of them by focusing on "the good" (as though there could ever be anything good about a child being gone or parents left behind).

Just.... no.  Fuck no.

No comments:

Post a Comment