Thursday, October 10, 2013

What if I'm Wrong?

“From keeping nativity scenes in public buildings to keeping “one nation under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance, defending America from the perceived takeover of secular humanism became the purpose of the modern church… Evangelicals read Christian books and listened to Christian music. They sent their kids to Christian colleges, where they received Christian educations.  Apologists and theologians talked about the biblical approach to homosexuality, the biblical response to global warming, and the biblical view of parenting… 
It was within this social context that I and an entire generation of young evangelicals constructed our Christian worldviews. You might say that we were born ready with answers. We grew up with a fervent devotion to the inerrancy of the Bible and learned that whatever the question might be, an answer could be found within its pages... To experience the knowledge of Jesus Christ, we didn’t need to be born again; we simply needed to be born. Our parents, our teachers, and our favorite theologians took it from there, providing us with all the answers before we ever had time to really wrestle with the questions.”
– Rachel Held Evans in Evolving in Monkeytown

If there were a sentence in the above quote about the Evangelical homeschooling movement, it would perfectly describe my upbringing.  I grew up hearing the story of how I would tell people, when I was only four years old, that Jesus climbed down a ladder from heaven into my heart.  God was a character in my life who was always there.  I did not, in any serious way, allow myself to entertain the notion that God might not exist or that God might not be who I was told he was until after I had graduated from (Christian) college and gotten married. 

The absurd thing to me now, is that I honestly, with all my heart, believed that I knew God existed because I believed I had considered all the evidence and come to that conclusion myself.  I would hear other people talk about their experiences with God and I would incorporate that language into my own talk about God, not really understanding that I was equating believing the right answers about God with believing in God.

I think I’ve come a long way since then.  I wrestled with my questions and discovered a faith that is entirely different from what I was taught, but one that I embrace with all my heart. 

One of my biggest struggles now is how I teach my kids about God.  All that stuff that Rachel Held Evans explained happened because parents wanted their kids to know God in the way they had come to experience God.  They thought they were doing what was best for their kids.  With the homeschooling and the Christian everything, my parents thought they were doing what was best for me.  But I do not want to indoctrinate my kids into my faith; I want to help my kids understand God in a way he is real to them.

Yet, what if, by attempting to discard most of what my parents did and take a different approach, I'm just screwing my kids up in a different way than the way I was screwed up?

What if embracing their questions and not forcing them to accept my answers leaves them wishy-washy and completely unsure of anything?

What if not insisting they attend church with me every Sunday leaves them without a love for The Body of Christ?

What if allowing for discussion and not expecting immediate, unquestioning obedience undermines their respect for authority?

What if teaching them to respect other religions leads them away from Christianity?

What if I’m doing it all wrong?

These are only some of the questions that keep me from going back to sleep when I wake up at 3AM.  

I realize that raising kids is a process, not a project.  Some things I will certainly mess up no matter how much I don’t want to and some things I will get right on accident.  I keep coming back to these words from Brian Zahnd that give me hope that allowing my kids to grow up in the way that they should go, will at least be less damaging than the heavy-handed approach I was raised with: 
Perhaps we will have to believe that the gospel story itself, faithfully told, still has the capacity to astonish. Perhaps we will have to believe that the risen Christ can still make himself known in astonishing ways.  When we take it upon ourselves to explain the gospel so we can promote its benefits and get people to sign on, we unintentionally but inevitably diminish the mystery and beauty of the gospel.
I had to realize for myself that even though I’d known about God my entire life, my faith was not my own.  It was indoctrinated into me and wasn’t something I understood for myself. 

It wasn’t until I discovered for myself the astonishment, beauty, and mystery of the Gospel that I was able to know in the depths of my being that I wanted to be a Christian.  It may sound somewhat reckless, but I don’t even care if it is true.  It is faith.  I cannot prove it.  The acknowledgement that it may not be true in no way diminishes my hope that it is or my certainty that this is the way I want to live my life.

If I try to make anyone else, my kids included, experience God my way, I’m not leaving space for them to be astonished by God in their own way.  Drawing again from Zhand: 
Christianity is not a science; it is a faith…. Christianity is a confession, not an explanation. We confess Christ; we don’t explain Christ. We confess the Trinity, the Incarnation, the Resurrection, and the Ascension, though we cannot fully explain these mysteries. We leave room for mystery. We honor the mystery. We recognize the beauty in the mystery. 
Perhaps I’m not doing everything right.  Perhaps my kids will have to spend years unraveling the way they were raised and will have to find their own way that looks nothing like mine, just like I had to do.  I hope not, but I acknowledge that it is possible. 

All I can do now is to keep raising them in the most loving way I know how and continue to confess Christ and Incarnation and Resurrection and all the other mysteries in my daily life.  I can leave room for them to be astonished by the beauty and mystery of the Gospel in their own way and remind them it is okay if we don’t always come to the same understanding. 
And I can trust that if it is true – that if God is who I believe he is – that it’s enough.

38 comments:

  1. Thanks Trischa. I am of the boomer generation. Your experience growing up in a Christian culture and then dealing with questions of that culture in your adult life is a common experience that many of my generation believed would never take place for our generation's children. We believed that if we did all the right things everything would be different for the children growing up in the faith, but as your generation, especially the Christian ones of your generation, learned faith is something to which one struggles to have planted within themselves. This is a good blog which I will share with others my age to help them to see what sort of thing is happening among a younger generation which people my age sometime believe is leaving everything we ever cared about as Christians in our generation.

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    1. I appreciate your perspective, Dan! Thank you for sharing.

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  2. "All I can do now is to keep raising them in the most loving way I know how and continue to confess Christ and Incarnation and Resurrection and all the other mysteries in my daily life. I can leave room for them to be astonished by the beauty and mystery of the Gospel in their own way and remind them it is okay if we don’t always come to the same understanding. And I can trust that if it is true – that if God is who I believe he is – that it’s enough." Yes. This. You are putting words to my heart's prayer!!

    It's so hard. It would be easier to teach rules. To adopt a behavior modification program of parenting so my kids will be good Christians boys and girls. BUT all of what you said here... that's what I want. Astonishment. Beauty. Mystery. Experiencing the love of Christ - not just being taught about it. One thing I have been wanting to do is to start teaching them contemplative prayer practices. I want to provide them with the "tools" with which to get to know God for themselves and to provide an environment in which they can sense His movement in their lives.

    My 13 yr old does not want to go to church at all. And like you said, I struggle with whether I should make him go or to let him stay home. Right now I lean towards letting him stay home. But then I doubt myself and question my mothering. So I don't know...

    Thank you for these words and for your honesty, my friend! I am looking forward to good discussion about this!!


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    1. Yes! It is SO hard. And strict rules/behavior modification would produce more concrete results... in the short term and in my presence. I pray that what I'm teaching them is giving them the tools to make good choices and treat others well even when I'm not around. What good is if if they only "act Christian" when I'm there to make them do it?

      I have an agreement with my boys that they can't stay home every week, but there will be weeks they are allowed to stay home. Sometimes they still complain about it, but they complain about a lot of things. We're working on that too. There are always plenty of things to work on, aren't there? I'm sure you're working it out to be what is best for all of you.

      Contemplative prayer is something I've only just started reading about. (Intimacy With God by Keating is next on my list), but I can see the value of teaching kids about it. I still need to check out the links you sent, and then I just need to start trying it, I think. I'm looking forward to this and many other discussions with you. Maybe we should start a list? :)

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  3. Gosh. Me too.

    I ask the same questions all the time. They keep me awake at night, too.

    However, I find the most comfort when I look at families with adult children who are honest and faithful. In every single family, parents were transparent with their children. They shared their faith as it really was - they apologized, prayed together, admitted their faults, and shared out of their own passion and experience with their children. This is all I know to do. Maybe by not indoctrinating them I am screwing them up - but surely by being transparent, and by offering them an honest look into real-life faith, I am at least giving them the tools to come back to Christ in time.

    I hope.

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    1. It seems we are in good company with pondering these questions in the wee hours; many people responded they do the same.

      It sounds like you have some great examples in your life, which is wonderful. I love what you wrote about being transparent and honest giving our kids the tools they will need. If the beliefs we are modeling for our kids aren't helping them learn to be compassionate and real, we are doing them a disservice. And I think hope has a lot to do with all of this. I pray we can both find comfort and strength in our hope when we are up at 3AM.

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  4. This is a beautifully written reflection. I, too, was raised in the Evangelical tradition, left church altogether, and came back with a more personal and wildly different understanding of my Christian faith. When I have similar questions, I am trying to remind myself to trust in God to guide them and to relinquish the control. I always say that I can't MAKE anyone else become a Christian, and my children fall into that as well! Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you! It's encouraging to hear that others have gone through a similar process, wrestle with the same questions, and are now discovering a different way with their kids. I think "relinquish control" is an excellent way to state it. I find I have to remind myself frequently to not focus so much on short-term results, not just with faith, but with many other aspects of parenting as well.

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  5. GOOD QUESTIONS. And a good sign that you are asking them. The way I see it, there are a few things I try to keep in mind. First, it is inevitable that I will mess my kids up in some way, big or small, because I am an imperfect sinner. Second, regardless of that, my mistakes do not have to determine their destiny - my kids will be responsible for their own lives (just as I am responsible for mine) and God can and will do amazing things in their lives. Third, everything else comes way secondary to them understanding the radical grace, forgiveness, and love that is the Gospel. Whether they chose to believe and accept it will be between them and God. And last, perhaps most importantly - even if all else fails - I want them to know that I love them completely, fiercely, unconditionally, sacrificially, totally down to my very core, NO MATTER WHAT. That is the most important thing I can do as their mom, and the most powerful witness to the Gospel I can give them anyway.

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    1. "even if all else fails - I want them to know that I love them completely, fiercely, unconditionally, sacrificially, totally down to my very core, NO MATTER WHAT. That is the most important thing I can do as their mom, and the most powerful witness to the Gospel I can give them anyway." <-- ALL OF THIS! Thank you for the encouragement and for sharing your thoughts.

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  6. This really resonates with me. I'm a Gen Xer with two kids and this very closely describes me.

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    1. Gen X-ers, unite! I was homeschooled with my younger, Millennial sisters, and I think some of the discussion around their generation's experience bleeds over. But I also think it can make me feel alienated from the people my own age because they don't seem to wrestle with any of the same questions, at least among the friends I grew up with. Have you found that to be the case for you as well? Thank God for the internet and making connections with other Gen Xers in the same place, as well as with those of other generations who are wrestling with their faith in a similar way.

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  7. Wow. I have thought all of these things too! We're trying to talk talk talk to the kids about every subject we can. Help them exercise their thinking and examining muscles so that hopefully they will work well when one day they wake up and realize that all this stuff they've been taught might be make believe. I wish so much I were one of those people who seem to never doubt. Maybe they just don't talk about their doubt. But I've been a doubter since my teens. And it scared me to death all through my teens and 20's. It made me feel like such a bad child of God. But now I know there's no shame in it. And I want my kids to wrestle with their faith without shame.
    My thinking currently is that the kids are expected to go to church because it's something we do as a family. But every once in a while I let somebody lay out even when I know darn well they could attend. Like a slightly stuffy nose, etc. And I've said to them, "One day you won't live with me. And there will come a Sunday morning when no one is making you go to church. If you choose not to go sometimes or even some months, I'll understand that. But my hope is that you won't go for a year or years without attending. Because the discipline is so healthy. Just keep moving towards Him, not away. Even when it doesn't all make sense." I want them to know that it won't always make sense.

    I think I need to go read them the parable of the mustard seed. It got me through some scary times when I thought my hope in God was lost.

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    1. Have you read 'The Authenticity of Faith' by Richard Beck? I used to consider myself a doubter also, until I read that book and gained an entirely new perspective on my faith. I highly recommend it.

      It sounds like you have a wonderful perspective and excellent communication with your kids. I hope good communication is something we are both able to continue with our kids as they grow.

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  8. And here I am now with a baby.

    I think your last sentence is the sum of my opinion. All I can do is TRUST God. Trust God to lead my children to him, trust his word that he loves them, trust that his promises are for me and my children.

    I don't think I can make my child love God, but I can do my best to make space for God in our family life, make space for my children in my relationship with God so that they can learn from me, and make space for them to disagree with me and ask questions and explore. I can be honest and not feel like if I don't perfectly explain things that it will be my fault if faith leaves them.

    And we parents can pray.

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    1. The idea of making space for God and keeping space for him in all areas of life is incredibly beautiful. I'm so glad you phrased it that way.

      And I hope your baby is a good sleeper.

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  9. I completely get it. I struggle with similar questions -- especially as I've sent one to college this year, and have another dating. I wanted my kids' faith to be theirs; not mine. Along the way, we've made decisions around that very thing. Afterall, if God himself can't and won't make anyone choose Him, what makes me think I could? But now that it really is up to them to choose - when they really are completely on their own - I get so scared they won't. Or they'll make choices they regret. Or worse. One thing I keep reminding myself of is that neither my husband nor I grew up indoctrinated (or really even taught) -- and God made himself real to us and we chose. And I was WAY more screwed up than my kids are, lol. He doesn't make himself known to our kids because we do or don't do it right; he does it despite us, lol. He does it BECAUSE HE LOVES THEM and wants them, too. This is what I keep trying to rest in. That the shepherd will leave the 99 for the 1 ......

    Thanks for being honest. It was actually really validating to read.

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    1. This is an excellent point: "He doesn't make himself known to our kids because we do or don't do it right; he does it despite us" and very comforting. Your point about God making himself known to those who weren't raised in or taught a faith tradition is also an excellent reminder. Thank you for reading and leaving such an encouraging comment!

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  10. I agree with the others that the fact you are asking the question is a huge step forward, and there may not be an answer. But, at the same time, I think that the most important job we have is setting an example for our children. My children might fight going to church when they get older, but as long as they are my responsibility, I will lead them to an atmosphere of biblical education and community and encourage them to ask their questions there. The best we can do is let our life and our lifestyle reflect, in every way possible, our faith. The faith of a child is beautiful, and it is natural for it to change over time. When my children grow, learn, and change what I would like is for my children to look back at me and say, 'Now I see where she was coming from'. I think it is okay to allow them to think outside the box AND insist that they live inside the box, so to speak.

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    1. I agree with you about setting an example and raising our children in a faith community, but do you think there is room for honoring each child's individual personality here? My youngest is very open to spiritual things and likes church and enjoys reading prayers out of our Book of Common Prayer. My oldest, however, is often resistant to those things and I know that the more I try to force him to do something, the more resistant he becomes. The way I was raised, that would have been considered strong-willed disobedience, and call for strict discipline, but I now consider it wrong to disrespect the person he is just to make him do what I want. When I step back and we talk and he knows he has the freedom to make his own choices about something, he will often surprise me by coming around and embracing it in his own way and in his own time -- Hence, the decision to allow him to stay home from church sometimes. Of course, there are some things that require consequences for actions, etc, but I don't think using those tactics on spiritual matters is the right approach for my family. Does that make sense?

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  11. I could've been your mom. Even though we only homeschooled for 2 years. My brilliant daughter was a Youth Group Super Star. Between her natural-born perfectionism and her people pleasing gene, she drove hard herself in high school and early college with leadership and mission projects. Now she's in therapy, her evangelical upbringing a major issue. Her wedding to a great guy who rejected God in his Catholic school career was devoid of God, My son, on the other hand, drank alcohol in high school, was accused by kids in the youth group of doing drugs and walked away from God much earlier in his life. Me, I love God, but Christian culture rankles me and pisses me off. I can't even teach Sunday School at our church even though I'm highly qualified. We raised up our children prayerfully, in the way they should go and all that. If they really need to be "born again" to get into "heaven," they're both good. They're both great people who were injured by the church and probably by us although we were not militant. We're still close. Really, I'm not worried if they never go to church again. When they're ready, God knows where to find them.

    I don't know the answer. Do your best. Let your kids know you love them. Listen to them, let them make their own mistakes, even when it hurts. Pray for them, discipline them. But don't let church come between you and them. They will see more God in you than in churches, youth groups and all the rest.

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    1. Oh, Theresa. Thank you for sharing your family's story. I am glad to hear you are all still close, despite some of the pain that was caused by harmful teachings in the church. I think you highlighted something very important there -- none of those hurtful things were done by you maliciously and you/your church believed that upbringing was best for your kids. That really is where all of my questions are rooted and why it worries me that I won't know if there are benefits to taking a different approach until my kids grow up. I know everything my parents did was because they love me and thought it was best. My sisters don't seem to have the same struggles and both seem to feel at home in the evangelical church/raising their families the same way. Anyone in evangelical culture would probably look at my family and think, "Well, two out of three isn't bad. Too bad their oldest is so rebellious." :) I think you're right though. We just have to do our best and pray and trust God find our kids wherever they end up.

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  12. Such great questions to ask! I'm so much older than anyone else in this stream, that my comments may not be germane at all. This much I know - my parents were open with me about their doubts. We were involved in church - an evangelical mainline church - and I loved it all. My brother walked away from the church and claims to have no belief in God. But he lives his life as though he does - in fact, he does some of the most deeply Christian things I've ever seen. I went on to become a pastor, after my kids were raised. And they were raised in a church-going home, too. We did not homeschool nor send our kids to Christian schools. We talked about faith realistically, wrestled with the hard stuff of church institutional life, loved one another through all kinds of mess-ups, both parents and kids. They are all committed followers of Jesus, but in distinctively different ways. My oldest grandchildren are now college students and wrestling hard with doubt and uncertainty. I pray for them, I love them, and I don't worry about them. God is not worried, either. They're doing the important work of growing up, of asking questions, of deciding what their own faith journeys are going to look like. I guess I would advise you to love your kids, to talk to them openly, to encourage hard questions, to listen without judging, to model what you believe by how you live and make choices. If you find a community that is a good fit for you and yours, then jump in. If you have to form your own community, then do that. Building family friendships with others who believe can be life changing for all of you. There is no one answer and you will find your way. You're off to a great start.

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    1. Your perspective is both beautiful and encouraging... and exactly what I'm striving for. Your family is very fortunate to have you to love and pray for them wherever they are in their journey and wherever they are in their faith. Thank you so much for your comment.

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  13. Hi Trischa, as a parent and pastor who has experienced much of what you describe in this post, I want to offer my encouragement. None of us do everything right, but if your heart comes through in your parenting the way it does here, it sounds like you're on the right track. I don't know if the same is true for you, but so many of those that I knew growing up have either lost faith, or have settled back into many if not all of the same rigid categories that we were taught as children. I wanted something different for myself, and I want my children to have the same freedom that I embraced for myself. I think the best we can do is live our faith with integrity, and trust God. Blessings to you.

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    1. I've found exactly the same thing with those I knew growing up -- some of the most wild and rebellious youth group kids are now some of the most like their parents and a few of the youth group stars have left their faith completely. I realize I can't control the outcome, I just pray I'm going about the process in a more healthy way. Thank you for your encouragement!

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  14. This is a very moving blog post and I appreciate your openness. I don't have children, so I hope you don't mind me contributing to your blog. If you don't mind a biblical answer, God guarantees that your house will be saved (Acts 16:31), so just keep praying for your kids and walking a walk of faith, and I believe that God will cover your children in his grace. God always honors his promises. And while we waver, he doesn't. We can't save ourselves, and we can't manufacture faith. Faith is a gift. I struggled with serious doubt for many years (as a result of going to college and majoring in science) and in some ways still have moments of doubt, and it comforts me to remember that God gave us faith as a free gift (Romans 12:3), a seed that grows into a huge tree that can move mountains. Jesus promised he would keep all his sheep safe (John 10:28), and I know that if you are praying for your children and raising them with love and with the most Christlike values you can, I can't imagine them straying far away from faith in Jesus. I think one thing that kills faith (or so it seems) is legalism and false traditions and rote actions that show no faith or love. In short, an absence of the understanding that Jesus is grace, love and truth in action, thought and deed. Grace is unmerited, so we can't work for it. Love comes from knowing God's love, and truth is from reading the Bible and asking for God's holy spirit to teach us. Finding a Christian community full of genuine people who love Jesus and love others is helpful, but that's not always the easiest thing. I think that ultimately, we have to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and trust him to lead us home.

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    1. I'm glad you left a comment. I believe we can all learn something from each other and we shouldn't be afraid to offer encouragement simply because we do or don't have children. You've given me a lot to think about. One thing that stood out is your reminder about faith being a gift. Do you think it is appropriate to pray for someone else to be gifted with faith if it seems like something they aren't interested in?

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  15. All the cultist indoctrination of Christian school/Bible study/church pushed me far far away from the "faith." Ultimately, I had questions that religion could never hope to sufficiently answer. If people find some kind of solace/hope in "god" and faith I wish them the best - but raising kids in mysticism and irrationality frankly does them a disservice.

    Just my 2cents from a born again atheist.

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    1. Thank you for offering your perspective. I can understand your concerns. I do actually think about the affect what I'm teaching them would have if they decided they don't believe at all. I think that much of what I teach them -- the Golden Rule, social justice, kindness, compassion, empathy -- none of those things would be harmful for them to continue in, whether or not they choose to be Christians. (Well, perhaps if they embrace Objectivist/Ayn Rand teachings -- some of those things would be in opposition to Rand's teachings, but I still don't think they'd be harmful.) I am careful not to tell them that everything is going to be fine and their lives will be wonderful because God. I try to be as realistic as possible and we do talk about other faiths and that it isn't our place to either force our beliefs on others or treat someone disrespectfully because they believe differently. Does that make sense? Or does that still seem irrational?

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  16. Trust me - you will screw up your kids somehow, but no worries, it's part of the process ;) I heard someone once say that all parents should save for the cost of 1 year of therapy for each child once those kids reach adulthood. And it makes me laugh and cry all at once. Ah, the beauty of contrast and tension. Here's to learning to live in between them! You are doing great!

    Kristina Skepton
    Founder, SeeingGod Ministries
    www.Facebook.com/SeeingGod

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    1. I've also heard that about saving for therapy and it seems to be the consensus that we will all screw up our kids in one way or another. Thank you for the encouragement!

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  17. I'm a homeschooling, Christian mom raising two children (one 8 and one who is 1), and what I've learned is really that at different stages of development children need different things. Young children (under age 7) need to believe that the world and all of those in it are good and that there are answers to their deepest questions. Older children 8/9 + can start to understand gray areas and nuances. What I'm saying really is that there isn't just one approach but multiple approaches. Ultimately, it is up to God to reveal Himself to hearts, but as Christian parents we can lay the table and set the scene. I think many parents screw up parenting in general, and especially if they view children as either "vessels to be filled" (as in, having nothing valuable to contribute on their own), or as mini-adults. If you approach matters of faith as something that excites and fulfills you, that energy will be passed along. If you approach their questions with humility as they grow, that will demonstrate that it's okay to question and still believe. The best thing is to let them see you living your faith and incarnating the love of Christ for others. I also think training older kids/teens in apologetics is increasingly important. There are many good resources out there (you can check out Sonlight for good, age-appropriate theological books for kids).

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    1. "If you approach their questions with humility as they grow, that will demonstrate that it's okay to question and still believe." I think you are the first one to mention humility and I am glad you brought that in to the conversation. I think it does take humility to acknowledge to ourselves and our children that we are in the process as well and won't get everything right. Thanks for sharing your insight.

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  18. A little perspective from someone who was raised in a household where I was allowed to make up my own mind about what I believed. I received no religious instruction from my parents at all, so I had basis on which to make any decisions. The Lord still found me, but I wandered through some really wild stuff for a really long time before I recognized God.

    It is said that the greatest thing about receiving an education, more than any specific nugget or skill is learning how to think. I wish that my parents had taught me how to consider spiritual questions even if they weren't willing to share their conclusions.

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    1. "...so I had no basis on which to make any decisions."

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    2. Yes, I can see how having no basis for wrestling with questions/making decisions is just as difficult to work through as being given all the answers/expected to accept them without question. Thank you for sharing that perspective. It's important to not go too far either way, but instead work to find a balance.

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  19. Decent. Though, we should not pretend that science is devoid of faith. To the contrary, all scientific theory builds on assumption, on faith, in things yet unknown. Good science (and a good scientist) is ok with this.

    http://undsci.berkeley.edu/article/basic_assumptions

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