I know this is only my second post after I made a big deal about how I'm turning over a new leaf with my writing and being very intentional in my editing, but I will go ahead and tell you right now that I do not intend to edit this post like that. I may scan it for glaring errors, but even with that, it isn't going to be pretty. At least for this now I am reverting back to my default mode of just putting it all out there in one sitting, good structure and proper grammar be damned.
I know I've talked before about how I'm kind of a mess of a person sometimes and that I have a lot of trouble finding the words to say to people. Well, as much as I am trying, I am not improving. Actually, this week, I feel like I might be getting worse. I would probably consider this past week one of my worst ever as far as personal improvement or doing things the right way or meeting any goals I've set for myself.
Work has been so strange. Save for one or two good things that happened, I wish I could strike all of it from my memory. The actual work part sucks right now, but then there is all this drama with co-workers and people calling me with all this crazy stuff they want to talk to me about. It's just... disconcerting. I don't like feeling put in the middle of things, but I do care about my co-workers and hate knowing that things suck for them and I have no idea how to help.
If that weren't bad enough I said some words this week to someone I love without listening first and now things are all messed up. Will I ever remember to listen and ask questions before I worry about trying to explain myself? It is a horrible, heartsick feeling -- you know, where you physically experience your feelings deep in your chest and at the top of your spine and in your fingertips every time you think of it. I really hate it.
On top of all that, it is March but still winter. And I hate winter. Hate it to the point that I would be okay with hibernating through it. I really, really want the coldgross (not an overlooked typo, now I'm just making up words) weather to go away and for it to take with it the constant funk I'm in because of it. I need to not be cold. I am almost always cold in winter. Even indoors. And really I hate it.
I need to be able to put on a tank top and shorts and go jogging in the woods to clear my head. I need to be able to go outside and walk barefoot in the grass. I need longer days and open windows and leaves on trees and sunshine. Especially sunshine. I need to sit in the sunshine and feel warm. If I could do that, then maybe I could figure out what to do about the other two things. Maybe.
I know this is all ridiculous and many people in the world have much more horrible problems than I have and this is a selfish rant about what I want, but there it is. I needed to write it out because I needed to get it out of my head. I may have been a little vague about the details of my week, I don't think I've left my feelings about winter open for interpretation.