I know everyone loves the colors and the days so brilliant and crisp they seem like a fairy tale. I know the grass is still green. I know the sun, when not hidden, still filters through the leaves with golden shimmers.
I know I should love it.
But to me it feels heavy.
I realize these are the year's last nice days.
I lace up my shoes. I force myself out into the wind, under the clouds. The puddles spray leftover rain onto my calves as my feet strike the pavement and propel me forward. Sometimes I can focus on my stride. On beating my time. On pushing myself to run faster, to stretch, to feel only the air enveloping me and the rhythm and my breath.
But sometimes I don't care how fast I am.
Sometimes I get distracted by the red-tailed hawk swooping gracefully to a tree and calling for its mate. Sometimes the clouds are too ominous and the colors too striking and all I can feel is the brilliant yellow and red against angry, dark skies.
Sometimes all I can see is a final, defiant display of beauty in the face of winter's inevitability.
And when I see that, I feel both exhilarated and defeated.
The dull, gray winter will come regardless.
The gloom will settle in and all will be shades of white and shadows and endless months of chill.
The weight is almost too much.
Yet I can't deny the faint whispers of hope in the falling leaves.
This isn't final.
Spring waits in the shadows.
Nothing can stop it.
It will come.
It always does.
Showing posts with label Funk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funk. Show all posts
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Where to Go From Here
After we got married, Ryan and I rented one half of a duplex in a tiny, map-dot-of-a-town, right off US 68, forty miles north of Cincinnati. We thought of going on a vacation early that fall, but then remembered we had recently graduated from college with a stupid amount of student-loan debt and he was getting ready to go back to school and we had no money for a vacation. Instead, we both used our paid vacation week to stay home and tackle painting white the hideous grease-brown cabinets in the rental kitchen.
And we seriously underestimated the investment of time and effort required for that task.
Thoroughly exhausted and with our patience wearing dangerously thin, we decided to take one day and do something away from the house and away from those damn cabinets. We got in my old Nissan and started driving south on US 68. (Because obviously, if you're sick of working together for 18 hours a day on a tedious project, the ideal break from that would be to spend an entire day together in the car.)
I don't remember anything we talked about. We probably spent a lot of time listening to music and not talking at all. I remember we pulled over at a few places along the way to take photos, as well as taking a lot of drive-by pictures out the window. I remember that by the time we got to Lexington, Kentucky the trip wasn't seeming like such an awesome idea. While we could drive away exhaustion and frustration for a little while with the open road ahead of us, we still had to drive all the way back home to our bills and our real life and those damn cabinets.
And it was a long drive back.
Sometimes I think about what it would have been like if we hadn't gone back. I'm not talking about actually running away, I just wonder what it would have been like if we hadn't felt like we had to do the standard jobs-kids-house thing and had done something totally different instead. There were times we talked about it. We talked about moving to the city, where I'd go to grad school. We talked about moving to North Carolina so he could pursue a different type of job opportunity. But we didn't. We always went back to real life -- near our families and where we grew up -- just like we did that day when we got to the other side of Lexington and turned around.
Our road-trip experience is only going to get me so far as a metaphor for my spiritual journey, but as I was reading the Daily Office this morning, something reminded of that trip and that same feeling of wanting to keep going because there were so few good reasons to go back.
In terms of my spiritual life, there are days I ask myself what was the big deal with how things were, back when I was still trying to fit that ideal of the good Christian girl my parents tried to raise me to be. Some days I wonder what the hell I'm doing with all this unraveling and shattering and searching and weaving. I am tired. I feel alienated from a lot of people I used to feel like I was close to. Would it really have been so bad to have stayed where I was?
I read the words of other people who have left behind a lot of the same things I have discarded and they seem so sure of their journey. They are so sure of it that they can blog about it almost every day while writing a book about it and debating their thoughts about it on social media. They have answers and direction and purpose. It's not that I want to be those people, it's just that their certainty makes me wonder how I am still so unsure. If I made the conscious decision to unravel it all and burn down what was left and leave all those paradigms in the dust, why do I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have no idea where I'm headed?
And that's the thing about going somewhere without any real plan. At some point, the sense of adventure loses its luster and you get tired and irritated at yourself for agreeing to such a thing and you can't decide if it is worse to keep going or to give up and turn around. Even if you're mostly sure it is worth it to press on, you can't be sure that what's ahead is actually better than what you left behind. Perhaps what you're getting away from was painful, but maybe the unknown isn't actually better.
I am not sure. I continue reading and questioning and praying and processing. I'm squinting, trying to determine if this direction is really where I should be going. I have this feeling that it's right there. I can't see it, I can only sense that ahead is a better understanding of this beautiful mystery of the gospel and that this journey is about grasping the hem of Incarnation and astonishment and redemption and love.
I recently read Beauty Will Save the World by Brian Zahnd. In it, he writes, "To rediscover Christianity in all of its astonishing mystery and beauty will utterly overwhelm us and make all of our notions about its devaluation feel completely redundant. It will leave our skepticism in shreds." That is exactly how I feel. Everything is slanting and my cynicism is falling away and it seems that rock around my heart is starting to crumble. I can feel myself being broken and wrecked and I feel raw and exposed and I'm quite honestly a little frightened, but I keep going. In a way, I'm not sure I could turn around, even though it seems that might be easier.
At this point I can't tell if it's me and my stubbornness or if the Holy Spirit may actually exist in the way I've always wondered was truly possible. I really hope it's all true. I really hope that if I keep going, someday, I'll manage to reach the point where my awareness of the mystery and beauty assures me I'm going in the right direction, even if I'm still not sure of where I'll end up.
I really don't want to go back.
And we seriously underestimated the investment of time and effort required for that task.
Thoroughly exhausted and with our patience wearing dangerously thin, we decided to take one day and do something away from the house and away from those damn cabinets. We got in my old Nissan and started driving south on US 68. (Because obviously, if you're sick of working together for 18 hours a day on a tedious project, the ideal break from that would be to spend an entire day together in the car.)
I don't remember anything we talked about. We probably spent a lot of time listening to music and not talking at all. I remember we pulled over at a few places along the way to take photos, as well as taking a lot of drive-by pictures out the window. I remember that by the time we got to Lexington, Kentucky the trip wasn't seeming like such an awesome idea. While we could drive away exhaustion and frustration for a little while with the open road ahead of us, we still had to drive all the way back home to our bills and our real life and those damn cabinets.
And it was a long drive back.
Sometimes I think about what it would have been like if we hadn't gone back. I'm not talking about actually running away, I just wonder what it would have been like if we hadn't felt like we had to do the standard jobs-kids-house thing and had done something totally different instead. There were times we talked about it. We talked about moving to the city, where I'd go to grad school. We talked about moving to North Carolina so he could pursue a different type of job opportunity. But we didn't. We always went back to real life -- near our families and where we grew up -- just like we did that day when we got to the other side of Lexington and turned around.
Our road-trip experience is only going to get me so far as a metaphor for my spiritual journey, but as I was reading the Daily Office this morning, something reminded of that trip and that same feeling of wanting to keep going because there were so few good reasons to go back.
In terms of my spiritual life, there are days I ask myself what was the big deal with how things were, back when I was still trying to fit that ideal of the good Christian girl my parents tried to raise me to be. Some days I wonder what the hell I'm doing with all this unraveling and shattering and searching and weaving. I am tired. I feel alienated from a lot of people I used to feel like I was close to. Would it really have been so bad to have stayed where I was?
I read the words of other people who have left behind a lot of the same things I have discarded and they seem so sure of their journey. They are so sure of it that they can blog about it almost every day while writing a book about it and debating their thoughts about it on social media. They have answers and direction and purpose. It's not that I want to be those people, it's just that their certainty makes me wonder how I am still so unsure. If I made the conscious decision to unravel it all and burn down what was left and leave all those paradigms in the dust, why do I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have no idea where I'm headed?
And that's the thing about going somewhere without any real plan. At some point, the sense of adventure loses its luster and you get tired and irritated at yourself for agreeing to such a thing and you can't decide if it is worse to keep going or to give up and turn around. Even if you're mostly sure it is worth it to press on, you can't be sure that what's ahead is actually better than what you left behind. Perhaps what you're getting away from was painful, but maybe the unknown isn't actually better.
I am not sure. I continue reading and questioning and praying and processing. I'm squinting, trying to determine if this direction is really where I should be going. I have this feeling that it's right there. I can't see it, I can only sense that ahead is a better understanding of this beautiful mystery of the gospel and that this journey is about grasping the hem of Incarnation and astonishment and redemption and love.
I recently read Beauty Will Save the World by Brian Zahnd. In it, he writes, "To rediscover Christianity in all of its astonishing mystery and beauty will utterly overwhelm us and make all of our notions about its devaluation feel completely redundant. It will leave our skepticism in shreds." That is exactly how I feel. Everything is slanting and my cynicism is falling away and it seems that rock around my heart is starting to crumble. I can feel myself being broken and wrecked and I feel raw and exposed and I'm quite honestly a little frightened, but I keep going. In a way, I'm not sure I could turn around, even though it seems that might be easier.
At this point I can't tell if it's me and my stubbornness or if the Holy Spirit may actually exist in the way I've always wondered was truly possible. I really hope it's all true. I really hope that if I keep going, someday, I'll manage to reach the point where my awareness of the mystery and beauty assures me I'm going in the right direction, even if I'm still not sure of where I'll end up.
I really don't want to go back.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Go Do
I work in IT. That is not to say that I am an IT person, because I am not. I simply work for an IT company, writing reports about things that go wrong and tracking identified actions to completion. As part of the training I’ve received in this role, I finished course work and two projects to receive a certification for Lean Six Sigma Green Belt.
Stay with me here, I promise the entire post is not about this.
Lean Six Sigma projects are quite detailed with specific steps of data gathering and planning and risk analysis and result measuring and progress reporting. If you manage a Lean Six Sigma project, you will likely be involved for months, possibly years, completing all the steps and requirements before achieving the desired outcome. In the course of planning a project, however, if you identify what is called a “go do,” you can simply get the people you need and go do it, without all of the following of steps required for a full project.
I’ve been thinking that for quite some time my blogging has been similar to a drawn-out Lean Six Sigma project. I’ve spent a lot of time researching and analyzing and writing, mainly regarding my faith, but without identifying or completing any go do items. Not that I haven't been doing anything. I work full time and have kids. What I mean is that I haven't completed go do items resulting from all of this unraveling and listening and reading and weaving I've been writing about.
It is not necessarily bad that I’ve spent so much time writing in this way. Sometimes writing is the only way I can organize my thoughts and figure out the how and why behind my feelings. I type and type and type until things start to make sense or until I get to the root questions and then I can go back and cut and paste it into some kind of meaningful thought. Writing is very important to me. I don’t intend to stop writing.
What I do need to figure out is what direction my writing needs to take. I have been moved or inspired or infuriated by news stories or other blog posts I’ve read and have started writing responses to many of them. I have numerous drafts sitting in my dashboard hashing out my thoughts on everything from gun control to abortion to modesty culture to motherhood. Some of these drafts are even completed and edited, but I always hesitate to click "publish" and almost always talk myself out of it I’m simply not sure that is the direction I should be taking at this point.
There are some truly amazing bloggers out there who have a calling to delve into these topics and turn them over with their words to expose the hurt and truth and complexities. I appreciate those writers and reading their perspectives is extremely beneficial to me as I wrestle with where I stand. But I also read books and listen to sermons and have conversations with people, often stopping just short of certainty or complete agreement on any of the seemingly urgent topics of the day. It seems to me that if I’m unable to come up with an explanation that does justice to the complexity of how I arrived where I am with my beliefs, I’m not sure it is helpful for me to write in a way that is anything other than trying to make sense of my personal struggles.
So instead of writing to convince others to think what I think or to criticize what others are saying/doing/believing, I need to focus my writing on what allows me to work out where I should be going and what I should be doing. And then I need to go. And do. Again, I love to read what is written by the people I respect and admire and I love to write. But more and more I've realized that I need to focus on doing. Not that writing isn’t doing anything, but I can't only read and think and write without it producing action on my part.
Now that I think of it, it’s not entirely accurate what I wrote earlier about not finding a single go do in all this time. I did identify one: find a church. And I did it. And it feels awesome to have stopped obsessing over the whole church thing and to actually have done something about it. Now I just have to figure out what is my next go do and go do it.
Stay with me here, I promise the entire post is not about this.
Lean Six Sigma projects are quite detailed with specific steps of data gathering and planning and risk analysis and result measuring and progress reporting. If you manage a Lean Six Sigma project, you will likely be involved for months, possibly years, completing all the steps and requirements before achieving the desired outcome. In the course of planning a project, however, if you identify what is called a “go do,” you can simply get the people you need and go do it, without all of the following of steps required for a full project.
I’ve been thinking that for quite some time my blogging has been similar to a drawn-out Lean Six Sigma project. I’ve spent a lot of time researching and analyzing and writing, mainly regarding my faith, but without identifying or completing any go do items. Not that I haven't been doing anything. I work full time and have kids. What I mean is that I haven't completed go do items resulting from all of this unraveling and listening and reading and weaving I've been writing about.
It is not necessarily bad that I’ve spent so much time writing in this way. Sometimes writing is the only way I can organize my thoughts and figure out the how and why behind my feelings. I type and type and type until things start to make sense or until I get to the root questions and then I can go back and cut and paste it into some kind of meaningful thought. Writing is very important to me. I don’t intend to stop writing.
What I do need to figure out is what direction my writing needs to take. I have been moved or inspired or infuriated by news stories or other blog posts I’ve read and have started writing responses to many of them. I have numerous drafts sitting in my dashboard hashing out my thoughts on everything from gun control to abortion to modesty culture to motherhood. Some of these drafts are even completed and edited, but I always hesitate to click "publish" and almost always talk myself out of it I’m simply not sure that is the direction I should be taking at this point.
There are some truly amazing bloggers out there who have a calling to delve into these topics and turn them over with their words to expose the hurt and truth and complexities. I appreciate those writers and reading their perspectives is extremely beneficial to me as I wrestle with where I stand. But I also read books and listen to sermons and have conversations with people, often stopping just short of certainty or complete agreement on any of the seemingly urgent topics of the day. It seems to me that if I’m unable to come up with an explanation that does justice to the complexity of how I arrived where I am with my beliefs, I’m not sure it is helpful for me to write in a way that is anything other than trying to make sense of my personal struggles.
So instead of writing to convince others to think what I think or to criticize what others are saying/doing/believing, I need to focus my writing on what allows me to work out where I should be going and what I should be doing. And then I need to go. And do. Again, I love to read what is written by the people I respect and admire and I love to write. But more and more I've realized that I need to focus on doing. Not that writing isn’t doing anything, but I can't only read and think and write without it producing action on my part.
Now that I think of it, it’s not entirely accurate what I wrote earlier about not finding a single go do in all this time. I did identify one: find a church. And I did it. And it feels awesome to have stopped obsessing over the whole church thing and to actually have done something about it. Now I just have to figure out what is my next go do and go do it.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
I Hate Winter / I Need Summer
I know this is only my second post after I made a big deal about how I'm turning over a new leaf with my writing and being very intentional in my editing, but I will go ahead and tell you right now that I do not intend to edit this post like that. I may scan it for glaring errors, but even with that, it isn't going to be pretty. At least for this now I am reverting back to my default mode of just putting it all out there in one sitting, good structure and proper grammar be damned.
I know I've talked before about how I'm kind of a mess of a person sometimes and that I have a lot of trouble finding the words to say to people. Well, as much as I am trying, I am not improving. Actually, this week, I feel like I might be getting worse. I would probably consider this past week one of my worst ever as far as personal improvement or doing things the right way or meeting any goals I've set for myself.
Work has been so strange. Save for one or two good things that happened, I wish I could strike all of it from my memory. The actual work part sucks right now, but then there is all this drama with co-workers and people calling me with all this crazy stuff they want to talk to me about. It's just... disconcerting. I don't like feeling put in the middle of things, but I do care about my co-workers and hate knowing that things suck for them and I have no idea how to help.
If that weren't bad enough I said some words this week to someone I love without listening first and now things are all messed up. Will I ever remember to listen and ask questions before I worry about trying to explain myself? It is a horrible, heartsick feeling -- you know, where you physically experience your feelings deep in your chest and at the top of your spine and in your fingertips every time you think of it. I really hate it.
On top of all that, it is March but still winter. And I hate winter. Hate it to the point that I would be okay with hibernating through it. I really, really want the coldgross (not an overlooked typo, now I'm just making up words) weather to go away and for it to take with it the constant funk I'm in because of it. I need to not be cold. I am almost always cold in winter. Even indoors. And really I hate it.
I need to be able to put on a tank top and shorts and go jogging in the woods to clear my head. I need to be able to go outside and walk barefoot in the grass. I need longer days and open windows and leaves on trees and sunshine. Especially sunshine. I need to sit in the sunshine and feel warm. If I could do that, then maybe I could figure out what to do about the other two things. Maybe.
I know this is all ridiculous and many people in the world have much more horrible problems than I have and this is a selfish rant about what I want, but there it is. I needed to write it out because I needed to get it out of my head. I may have been a little vague about the details of my week, I don't think I've left my feelings about winter open for interpretation.
I know I've talked before about how I'm kind of a mess of a person sometimes and that I have a lot of trouble finding the words to say to people. Well, as much as I am trying, I am not improving. Actually, this week, I feel like I might be getting worse. I would probably consider this past week one of my worst ever as far as personal improvement or doing things the right way or meeting any goals I've set for myself.
Work has been so strange. Save for one or two good things that happened, I wish I could strike all of it from my memory. The actual work part sucks right now, but then there is all this drama with co-workers and people calling me with all this crazy stuff they want to talk to me about. It's just... disconcerting. I don't like feeling put in the middle of things, but I do care about my co-workers and hate knowing that things suck for them and I have no idea how to help.
If that weren't bad enough I said some words this week to someone I love without listening first and now things are all messed up. Will I ever remember to listen and ask questions before I worry about trying to explain myself? It is a horrible, heartsick feeling -- you know, where you physically experience your feelings deep in your chest and at the top of your spine and in your fingertips every time you think of it. I really hate it.
On top of all that, it is March but still winter. And I hate winter. Hate it to the point that I would be okay with hibernating through it. I really, really want the coldgross (not an overlooked typo, now I'm just making up words) weather to go away and for it to take with it the constant funk I'm in because of it. I need to not be cold. I am almost always cold in winter. Even indoors. And really I hate it.
I need to be able to put on a tank top and shorts and go jogging in the woods to clear my head. I need to be able to go outside and walk barefoot in the grass. I need longer days and open windows and leaves on trees and sunshine. Especially sunshine. I need to sit in the sunshine and feel warm. If I could do that, then maybe I could figure out what to do about the other two things. Maybe.
I know this is all ridiculous and many people in the world have much more horrible problems than I have and this is a selfish rant about what I want, but there it is. I needed to write it out because I needed to get it out of my head. I may have been a little vague about the details of my week, I don't think I've left my feelings about winter open for interpretation.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Sidenotes and Ramblings
When I was writing yesterday's post, I did a search for scripture verses about helping. I had some vague impressions of old Sunday School memory verses I was trying to locate, but nothing was what I was looking for. I kept coming back to the 1 John verse. I've been thinking about that one A LOT as I've been sorting ever-so-tediously through my unravelings. Even though it doesn't include the word "help," I think that many of us would agree that Jesus did a lot of helping in his life on earth. I went with it.
Work has been insane lately. I can't catch up. I've been stressed. I've lost weight. My already strange sleep patterns are messed up in a different way now than they were a few weeks ago. I know it goes in cycles and I just have to get through this absurd patch, but right now I can barely keep track of my assignments. It doesn't help that I'm preoccupied with all the stuff my brain is trying to sort out, but I'm trying to manage and trying to learn to switch back and forth.
An hour into the official work day, but already into my second hour of conference calls today, I checked the YouVersion Bible app on my iPod. This is the verse of the day:
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." - Hebrews 6:10
No joke.
Sometimes I look for something and can't find it to save my life. Sometimes I'm not even looking and it finds me. Life is funny like that.
I have a feeling "helping others" is going to be a vital component of my One Word this year.
Work has been insane lately. I can't catch up. I've been stressed. I've lost weight. My already strange sleep patterns are messed up in a different way now than they were a few weeks ago. I know it goes in cycles and I just have to get through this absurd patch, but right now I can barely keep track of my assignments. It doesn't help that I'm preoccupied with all the stuff my brain is trying to sort out, but I'm trying to manage and trying to learn to switch back and forth.
An hour into the official work day, but already into my second hour of conference calls today, I checked the YouVersion Bible app on my iPod. This is the verse of the day:
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." - Hebrews 6:10
No joke.
Sometimes I look for something and can't find it to save my life. Sometimes I'm not even looking and it finds me. Life is funny like that.
I have a feeling "helping others" is going to be a vital component of my One Word this year.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Dispel the Long Night's Lingering Gloom
O come, O Come Thou Day-spring bright
Pour on our souls Thy healing light
Dispel the long night's lingering gloom
And pierce the shadows of the tomb
It just doesn't feel like Christmas. I have no idea how many times I've said that over the past couple weeks, but it's a lot. I could try to come up with why -- from the tears that well up in my eyes for the heartache of people I care about, to being so disorganized, to the weather -- but I don't know that it really matters why. Regardless of why, I can't seem to find the Christmas Spirit and I am not ready for Christmas. This is not good, since there are only two days between now and Christmas Day and then it will be here whether I am ready for it or not.
I keep trying to listen to Christmas music and watch Christmas movies and wrap Christmas gifts, but if I'm honest, the music is getting on my nerves and I've really only managed to watch two Christmas movies and I didn't get anyone a truly good gift this year. Don't worry. I'm not going all Grinch on my kids or anything. They are getting some great presents and I am able to muster up excitement for them. But when they aren't around and it's just me, I feel like it is all a ridiculous waste of time and I cannot wait for it to be over.
The things I really want can't be wrapped and put under a tree. In fact, it's really felt lately like the things I want can't "be" at all. No amount of asking Santa or wishing on a star or praying or petitioning can bring them about or make them possible, regardless of Christmas magic or anything else. I want kids -- not just my kids, but all kids -- to be safe and healthy. I want families to be able to celebrate the holidays together. I want people to not be lonely or sad or sick. I want everyone everywhere to have what they need. I want us to be able to resolve conflict without violence, because I don't want my kids to grow up and know all the terrible things humans do to each other when they see each other as enemies instead of brothers and sisters in Creation. I want peace and I want life. For everyone.
Yet, we all know the harsh reality. Things are bad. Things are messed up. Certainly, there are moments of hope, those passing seconds where things seem right and hope blossoms despite all odds. Then we remember how wrong so many things are and it is difficult to keep that hope from fading. So often, it seems as though hope is something we once knew, but now exists only in our memories. As Barbara Brown Taylor once wrote, "Hope in the past tense, [is] one of the saddest sounds a human being can make." Sometimes it seems impossible to think of hope as something that still exists, as sad and horrible and pessimistic as that is to admit.
I've stated before that I'm not an optimist, yet, regardless of our beliefs, Christmas seems to call for an attempt at looking on the proverbial bright side. This year, I can't do that on my own. Christmas will come. Right here in my home there will be love and laughter. I will smile and laugh and hug my family and watch gifts exchanged and I will force myself to be in the moment and enjoy it. I will remember why we celebrate Christmas at all and I will be grateful. I will cling to the love I have for others and the love I receive.
But if the lingering gloom is to be dispelled, it will take more than gifts or lights or faith or love: It will take renewed hope.
Time will tell if that remains. I hope with all my heart it does.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- I Corinthians 13:13
- I Corinthians 13:13
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Unsettled
There is something about this time of year that makes me acutely aware of the passage of time and leaves me feeling unsettled. Perhaps it is because my birthday is in October or perhaps it is because it feels like once November is so close on the horizon the remainder of the year zooms by in a holiday-fueled rush. Whatever it is, I find this the most agitating time of year.
Southwestern Ohio weather has a tendency to be completely crazy in any season, but something about the utter fickleness of Autumn here makes me feel off-balance. The leaves begin to turn and the wind kicks up and I start to feel like something I can't put my finger on has disconcerted my soul and an unprovoked unease has crept into my heart. I can't stop myself from continually taking stock of everything in my life and wondering what I should be doing differently.
I am not one of those women you read about who are caught up in the having-it-all trap. I do not think I have to have it all, do it all, or be it all. I actually spend a lot of time doing nothing at all worth mentioning. This isn't to say I've reached some praise-worthy level of enlightenment, it simply speaks more to the fact that I've accepted the way my brain is wired and I feel completely fine leaving "it all" to others. I'm an introvert and I spend a lot of time at home. My natural state is not one of worrying if I'm getting ahead in life.
But when Autumn blows in, I can feel myself withdrawing from people even more than usual. I get mentally exhausted from my efforts to inventory what I do and why I do it and where I need to focus efforts to improve. I find myself feeling like I'm constantly being interrupted, only to realize all I was doing was thinking and no actual interruption occurred other than normal life happening around me. It seems like I'm running out of time, like I should have more figured out, like I would give anything for life to have a pause button to allow me to get my shit together before proceeding.
But there is no such luxury and not much else I can do but plod on and wait to regain my balance. Lately I have been trying to focus more on the people around me and do my best to quiet my mind and give them my full attention throughout the day. It's not much, but it is something to pull me back to reality when my mind is racing and my heart is overwhelmed.
Southwestern Ohio weather has a tendency to be completely crazy in any season, but something about the utter fickleness of Autumn here makes me feel off-balance. The leaves begin to turn and the wind kicks up and I start to feel like something I can't put my finger on has disconcerted my soul and an unprovoked unease has crept into my heart. I can't stop myself from continually taking stock of everything in my life and wondering what I should be doing differently.
I am not one of those women you read about who are caught up in the having-it-all trap. I do not think I have to have it all, do it all, or be it all. I actually spend a lot of time doing nothing at all worth mentioning. This isn't to say I've reached some praise-worthy level of enlightenment, it simply speaks more to the fact that I've accepted the way my brain is wired and I feel completely fine leaving "it all" to others. I'm an introvert and I spend a lot of time at home. My natural state is not one of worrying if I'm getting ahead in life.
But when Autumn blows in, I can feel myself withdrawing from people even more than usual. I get mentally exhausted from my efforts to inventory what I do and why I do it and where I need to focus efforts to improve. I find myself feeling like I'm constantly being interrupted, only to realize all I was doing was thinking and no actual interruption occurred other than normal life happening around me. It seems like I'm running out of time, like I should have more figured out, like I would give anything for life to have a pause button to allow me to get my shit together before proceeding.
But there is no such luxury and not much else I can do but plod on and wait to regain my balance. Lately I have been trying to focus more on the people around me and do my best to quiet my mind and give them my full attention throughout the day. It's not much, but it is something to pull me back to reality when my mind is racing and my heart is overwhelmed.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Can I Do It?
I really need to get back into writing. I have a friend who is a technical writer who says that having to write for her job has ruined her for the writing she used to do for herself. I think I've realized that is what has happened to me. Trying to figure out the correct way to write about things that went wrong and then trying to explain how we will attempt to correct and prevent them can be exhausting. Add to that the dealing with multiple groups of people reading over what I write so they can tear it apart and tell me what they would like to see written differently, well, that can be really disheartening sometimes. Especially when I disagree with them and they disagree with each other.
Although, if I'm honest, my job isn't the only thing that keeps me from writing on my blog. When I think about possibly doing another month of writing every day, I feel a little guilty. I mean, I do work full time, so even when I am working at home, I'm not really spending time with my kids. Then there are t-ball practices and family commitments and other things that take up my non-working time. Then there is the fact that Ryan works on the weekends so our only time together is weeknight evenings after the boys are in bed. I feel like taking the time to write every day would be a bit selfish and just not that do-able.
However, I do have some time on the weekends, after the boys are in bed. I typically use this time to tidy up, catch up on the laundry, and clear out the DVR. What I need to make myself do is use at least one of those nights for writing. I really need that creative outlet, and since I am not even a tiny bit artistic or in any other way creatively talented, writing is pretty much all I have in that regard. And when I go back and read old posts, like my Polka Dot Bathing Suit one or my Seafoam Green Couch post, I realize that I used to actually not suck at writing. One night per week. That's not too much to ask.
But can I really make myself do it? I guess we will find out. Friday is only two days away.
Although, if I'm honest, my job isn't the only thing that keeps me from writing on my blog. When I think about possibly doing another month of writing every day, I feel a little guilty. I mean, I do work full time, so even when I am working at home, I'm not really spending time with my kids. Then there are t-ball practices and family commitments and other things that take up my non-working time. Then there is the fact that Ryan works on the weekends so our only time together is weeknight evenings after the boys are in bed. I feel like taking the time to write every day would be a bit selfish and just not that do-able.
However, I do have some time on the weekends, after the boys are in bed. I typically use this time to tidy up, catch up on the laundry, and clear out the DVR. What I need to make myself do is use at least one of those nights for writing. I really need that creative outlet, and since I am not even a tiny bit artistic or in any other way creatively talented, writing is pretty much all I have in that regard. And when I go back and read old posts, like my Polka Dot Bathing Suit one or my Seafoam Green Couch post, I realize that I used to actually not suck at writing. One night per week. That's not too much to ask.
But can I really make myself do it? I guess we will find out. Friday is only two days away.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
At Least
I am not one of those über-positive people. I am a realist. I'm not always trying to look on the bright side, nor do I think it is necessary to try in vain to find a silver lining in a situation that, quite frankly, sucks. Sometimes things are crappy. That is part of life. I think that acknowledging this fact can help us appreciate the truly great things in life. There are wonderful experiences out there. I don't think we need to cheapen them by pretending that bad things are actually good. Just let things be what they are and try to deal with them in the best way you can.
I also don't think it is very helpful to try to make oneself feel better by comparing situations with those even less fortunate or going through an even worse situation. I know I've blogged about that before, but today I think it's worth repeating. The people I know who are in really bad situations or who are going through a really tough time? I feel terrible for them and would give almost anything to make things better for them. I'm not going to try to use their pain to make myself feel better. That is just sad.
Why all this rambling? Well, today we officially became a one car family. The eleven-year-old car we've used as our commuter car has finally broken down to the point that we cannot justify sinking any more money into it. We've put about $1000 into it in the past six months, $600 of that this week. The shop put in the new fuel pump and all the stuff attached to the new fuel pump, started it up, and the head gasket blew. SUCK.
We cannot afford to buy a new car this month or even next month. Sadly we are not one of those families who has $30k stashed away to just go out and get another car. So, the boys and I are going to be pretty much stranded at home for the next however many weekends, until we can come up with what we need to get another car. Ryan needs our other vehicle for taking Owen to-and-from school Monday through Wednesday, I need to get to the office on Wednesday and Thursday, and Ryan has to drive to work Friday through Sunday. Clearly we have some logistic issues to work out.
So, there you have it. Frustrating week. Bad news right before Christmas. No, this is nothing like the worst thing that could happen. I can think of at least four families I know personally who right at this moment are dealing with much worse. But I'm not going to pretend this isn't a major frustration. I'm not going to pretend we haven't been stressed about it or aren't hating that we are going to have to go to the shop and fork over $600 for a car that doesn't even run. But you know what? This is life.
At least this didn't happen in the summer. At least the weather over the next few months is going to be crap and I'm not going to want to take the boys anywhere on the weekend anyway. At least I have family close enough who would be able to help me out if I really get into a major jam. It's not a silver lining, but I'm a realist and you'll have to settle for an "at least."
I also don't think it is very helpful to try to make oneself feel better by comparing situations with those even less fortunate or going through an even worse situation. I know I've blogged about that before, but today I think it's worth repeating. The people I know who are in really bad situations or who are going through a really tough time? I feel terrible for them and would give almost anything to make things better for them. I'm not going to try to use their pain to make myself feel better. That is just sad.
Why all this rambling? Well, today we officially became a one car family. The eleven-year-old car we've used as our commuter car has finally broken down to the point that we cannot justify sinking any more money into it. We've put about $1000 into it in the past six months, $600 of that this week. The shop put in the new fuel pump and all the stuff attached to the new fuel pump, started it up, and the head gasket blew. SUCK.
We cannot afford to buy a new car this month or even next month. Sadly we are not one of those families who has $30k stashed away to just go out and get another car. So, the boys and I are going to be pretty much stranded at home for the next however many weekends, until we can come up with what we need to get another car. Ryan needs our other vehicle for taking Owen to-and-from school Monday through Wednesday, I need to get to the office on Wednesday and Thursday, and Ryan has to drive to work Friday through Sunday. Clearly we have some logistic issues to work out.
So, there you have it. Frustrating week. Bad news right before Christmas. No, this is nothing like the worst thing that could happen. I can think of at least four families I know personally who right at this moment are dealing with much worse. But I'm not going to pretend this isn't a major frustration. I'm not going to pretend we haven't been stressed about it or aren't hating that we are going to have to go to the shop and fork over $600 for a car that doesn't even run. But you know what? This is life.
At least this didn't happen in the summer. At least the weather over the next few months is going to be crap and I'm not going to want to take the boys anywhere on the weekend anyway. At least I have family close enough who would be able to help me out if I really get into a major jam. It's not a silver lining, but I'm a realist and you'll have to settle for an "at least."
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Ms. Poli Sci
About a year and a half into my college career, I came home for Thanksgiving break and announced to my family that I was changing my major from English to Political Science. My parents seemed baffled by this, as I had never really shown an interest in politics outside of registering to vote. Now that I look back on it, I understand their bewilderment. But I was nineteen and not exactly loving college and wanted a change. Besides, my English classes were much less likable than the required American Government class I was taking at the time. Professor Paula Maras-Roberts made government and the study of how people interact with it seem like the most exciting thing in the world. I had a serious crush on Political Science and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to act on it. That's what you're supposed to do in college, right? Take risks and make moderately rash decisions?
I actually think it was a good choice for me. I did really end up liking my classes. The department was small, but had a wonderful staff. I was able to take several courses as one-on-one independent studies with the head of the department. We would meet once a week in his tiny corner office that was crammed with books and hash out all sorts of topics. However, the more I studied political science, the more I knew I didn't want anything to do with politics. After I graduated I got a job working on projects at an IT company and left my political science years behind me.
Yet lately I've been drawn more and more back to that realm. Not that I have a desire to leave my current job and take up politics, but just seeing what is happening in our country, how divided it is and how toxic the rhetoric has become, it makes me wish I could do something. I've started reading more political articles and trying to engage in conversations with people to encourage them to take a step back and see those they disagree with first as fellow human beings and Americans before they see them as the enemy. Let me tell you that my thoughts are often not met with open arms or minds.
I realize that having another person disagree with you can sometimes feel like a personal attack. It can seem that they are trying to invalidate your perspective or question your character. But why does it have to be that way? Why is it so difficult to engage in a conversation with another without resorting to personal attacks or name-calling? I recently had someone tell me that because I don't mind that the First Lady is trying to curb childhood obesity by encouraging more access to healthful food options, I'm setting the stage for liberals to take away our Bibles. What? And by no means are these extreme reactions exclusive to one side.
I really don't know what to do. The easiest thing would be to keep my opinions to myself, vote, and write an occasional letter to a senator. However, I have to believe there are more people out there who want us to respect each other and try to work together. I have to believe there are those who are willing to extend a proverbial olive branch, table the most divisive issues, and work to find any tiny speck of common ground on which to build something positive. I want to believe that if more people started insisting on respect over disgust, we could make some progress in that direction. Obviously what we're doing now isn't working.
I actually think it was a good choice for me. I did really end up liking my classes. The department was small, but had a wonderful staff. I was able to take several courses as one-on-one independent studies with the head of the department. We would meet once a week in his tiny corner office that was crammed with books and hash out all sorts of topics. However, the more I studied political science, the more I knew I didn't want anything to do with politics. After I graduated I got a job working on projects at an IT company and left my political science years behind me.
Yet lately I've been drawn more and more back to that realm. Not that I have a desire to leave my current job and take up politics, but just seeing what is happening in our country, how divided it is and how toxic the rhetoric has become, it makes me wish I could do something. I've started reading more political articles and trying to engage in conversations with people to encourage them to take a step back and see those they disagree with first as fellow human beings and Americans before they see them as the enemy. Let me tell you that my thoughts are often not met with open arms or minds.
I realize that having another person disagree with you can sometimes feel like a personal attack. It can seem that they are trying to invalidate your perspective or question your character. But why does it have to be that way? Why is it so difficult to engage in a conversation with another without resorting to personal attacks or name-calling? I recently had someone tell me that because I don't mind that the First Lady is trying to curb childhood obesity by encouraging more access to healthful food options, I'm setting the stage for liberals to take away our Bibles. What? And by no means are these extreme reactions exclusive to one side.
I really don't know what to do. The easiest thing would be to keep my opinions to myself, vote, and write an occasional letter to a senator. However, I have to believe there are more people out there who want us to respect each other and try to work together. I have to believe there are those who are willing to extend a proverbial olive branch, table the most divisive issues, and work to find any tiny speck of common ground on which to build something positive. I want to believe that if more people started insisting on respect over disgust, we could make some progress in that direction. Obviously what we're doing now isn't working.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Fail. Ish.
Well, it would be good if I had some kind of "lessons learned" or recap planned, but I don't. Here it is the last day of April, and I've only been moderately successful this month. On one hand, I'm disappointed, because I feel like I haven't actually written anything worth reading. On the other hand, I feel kind of okay about it, because I can feel my desire to write rekindling. If I can just hold on to that, then maybe, possibly, I'll be able to get back to writing things I don't hate.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
This I Believe (kinda)
I just finished reading the first volume of This I Believe. What I would really like to do is write my own "This I Believe" essay, but for two reasons, I cannot. First, I cannot decide what my focus would be. Would I write about my personal beliefs about God (in whom I do believe) vs. religion (of which I'm scared)? Would I write about how I feel about family? Marriage? Politics? Being a working mom? I just don't know where to start.
The second reason is that even though I have been making myself post on this blog with more frequency, I am still plagued with writer's block. I don't think that I've really written anything worth reading this whole month. And that makes me sad. Not that I used to be a great writer or anything, but I didn't used to suck. In hopes of finding some inspiration, I read over some of my old posts. Posts from back when I used to write.
Only instead of inspiring me, they kinda depressed me. I actually enjoyed reading some of my old work. Is that inappropriate to say? Not that I think I'm all awesome or anything, but some of it was pretty decent. It just makes me sad that I seem to have lost my muse. And it makes me even more sad that I don't know how to get it back.
One thing that I know I do believe is that people need a creative outlet. I need a creative outlet. I have no talents other than writing so it's very not good that I seem to be unable to do it lately. I'm wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that I can somehow figure out a way that I can write some things that I will feel good about writing. Maybe this weekend?
The second reason is that even though I have been making myself post on this blog with more frequency, I am still plagued with writer's block. I don't think that I've really written anything worth reading this whole month. And that makes me sad. Not that I used to be a great writer or anything, but I didn't used to suck. In hopes of finding some inspiration, I read over some of my old posts. Posts from back when I used to write.
Only instead of inspiring me, they kinda depressed me. I actually enjoyed reading some of my old work. Is that inappropriate to say? Not that I think I'm all awesome or anything, but some of it was pretty decent. It just makes me sad that I seem to have lost my muse. And it makes me even more sad that I don't know how to get it back.
One thing that I know I do believe is that people need a creative outlet. I need a creative outlet. I have no talents other than writing so it's very not good that I seem to be unable to do it lately. I'm wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that I can somehow figure out a way that I can write some things that I will feel good about writing. Maybe this weekend?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Oh... Weather
I have quite a few posts about weather. Many of them are complaining about the weather, but I do live in Ohio so I feel the rants are justified. We are in the middle of what has seemed like weeks of rain and chill and wind. More storms expected tonight and tomorrow. It's just difficult to feel motivated to do anything when I know we should be having Springtime, but we are really just having rain. I would be fine with sleeping away the days until sunshine and warmth return.
I was thinking today while waiting for Luke to get off the bus that it even seems like the trees are waiting for this deluge to stop before they finally unfurl their leaves and blossoms. I wrote this post about only seeing green out the window and how wonderful that is. Right now, the grass is really green, but the trees still just look like giant, leafless sticks. I need green and flowers and heat! Is that too much to ask? Is it?
I was thinking today while waiting for Luke to get off the bus that it even seems like the trees are waiting for this deluge to stop before they finally unfurl their leaves and blossoms. I wrote this post about only seeing green out the window and how wonderful that is. Right now, the grass is really green, but the trees still just look like giant, leafless sticks. I need green and flowers and heat! Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Confession Time
I was just going to add a little blurb to my post tonight, confessing that I'm failing miserably at my "alternate day" writing, but then I figured I may as well do an entire confession post. Why not?
As I've already said, I failed at writing every day. There is just too much going on. Too many days when I feel beaten down by things at work or overwhelmed by things at home or I'm just too busy. I'm trying to be okay with it since I'm still posting on here with realitive consistancy, but I am a bit dissapointed in myself.
I cherish alone time. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my kids and the rest of my family and my friends. I appreciate the time I get to spend with the people I care about. But I also have to admit that I am kinda a loner. I like my commute when I can listen to NPR without interruption and the the nights when Ryan is at work and the boys are in bed and I am alone with my thoughts and can kinda do what I want (you know, like write run-on sentences or eat too much Boursin cheese). It may be weird, but it's me.
I am not nearly as conservative as many people assume I am. I grew up in a conservative family and I was homeschooled(!) and went to a midwestern Christian college where dancing and drinking were not allowed. I can understand (mostly) why people are staunchly conservative, and I think that if we lived in an ideal world where everyone had equal opportunity and upbringing and access, then MAYBE the conservative views would be accpetable in a lot of circumstances. But, in case you haven't looked around or watched the news or visited anywhere outside your upper-middle class subdivision... we don't live in an ideal world. So I think that issues and problems in this country and in this world need to be looked at individually and evaluated for the best way to make things work to the benefit of the people who really need it. And if that means giving someone free access to birth control or helping them buy groceries to feed their family, I'm okay with it.
I am addicted to Food Network. I think I may have mentioned something like this before, but I really think it might be an issue. If I have control of the TV and it is on, it is probably on Food Network. This is an issue for me since I am really not that good of a cook and watching it makes me hungry and then I eat food that isn't good for me. But whatever. It does sometimes inspire me to make things I'd never thought of trying before. I've actually made popovers. And my kids ate them. For the most part.
I am not a baby person. I know I have mentioned this before too, but it is true. I'm happy for other people if they have babies, but I'm totally fine with not having any more babies. This is why it doesn't make me sad that my kids are way past the baby stage. I can deal with kids, but babies are a real challenge for me. My kids can tell me what's up and help me with stuff. Babies cry and scream and screech and rob you of sleep. Do you see where I'm coming from?
I hate being cold. Not sure if it qualifies as a confession since I've never kept it a secret, but to me being cold equals physical pain. I reall hate it and I wish it could be warm all year. Why can't it?
This isn't a very good confession post, but it's Friday, at the end of a long week, and I'm tired. Yay.
As I've already said, I failed at writing every day. There is just too much going on. Too many days when I feel beaten down by things at work or overwhelmed by things at home or I'm just too busy. I'm trying to be okay with it since I'm still posting on here with realitive consistancy, but I am a bit dissapointed in myself.
I cherish alone time. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my kids and the rest of my family and my friends. I appreciate the time I get to spend with the people I care about. But I also have to admit that I am kinda a loner. I like my commute when I can listen to NPR without interruption and the the nights when Ryan is at work and the boys are in bed and I am alone with my thoughts and can kinda do what I want (you know, like write run-on sentences or eat too much Boursin cheese). It may be weird, but it's me.
I am not nearly as conservative as many people assume I am. I grew up in a conservative family and I was homeschooled(!) and went to a midwestern Christian college where dancing and drinking were not allowed. I can understand (mostly) why people are staunchly conservative, and I think that if we lived in an ideal world where everyone had equal opportunity and upbringing and access, then MAYBE the conservative views would be accpetable in a lot of circumstances. But, in case you haven't looked around or watched the news or visited anywhere outside your upper-middle class subdivision... we don't live in an ideal world. So I think that issues and problems in this country and in this world need to be looked at individually and evaluated for the best way to make things work to the benefit of the people who really need it. And if that means giving someone free access to birth control or helping them buy groceries to feed their family, I'm okay with it.
I am addicted to Food Network. I think I may have mentioned something like this before, but I really think it might be an issue. If I have control of the TV and it is on, it is probably on Food Network. This is an issue for me since I am really not that good of a cook and watching it makes me hungry and then I eat food that isn't good for me. But whatever. It does sometimes inspire me to make things I'd never thought of trying before. I've actually made popovers. And my kids ate them. For the most part.
I am not a baby person. I know I have mentioned this before too, but it is true. I'm happy for other people if they have babies, but I'm totally fine with not having any more babies. This is why it doesn't make me sad that my kids are way past the baby stage. I can deal with kids, but babies are a real challenge for me. My kids can tell me what's up and help me with stuff. Babies cry and scream and screech and rob you of sleep. Do you see where I'm coming from?
I hate being cold. Not sure if it qualifies as a confession since I've never kept it a secret, but to me being cold equals physical pain. I reall hate it and I wish it could be warm all year. Why can't it?
This isn't a very good confession post, but it's Friday, at the end of a long week, and I'm tired. Yay.
Friday, April 15, 2011
It Was Just a Bad Day
Note: I posted this on Friday, but woke up Saturday morning wondering if it really came across the way I meant it. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to look over it till today. I'm just going to go ahead and re-post it. I don't intend for it to sound whiny or all woe-is-me, but if it does, I'm sorry.
Today was the bad end of a bad week. And I mentioned that on Facebook. And, of course, that seemed to some to be an invitation to some to tell me that my life is actually so great and I have no right to say things are bad. Am I the only one who doesn't get that? This compulsion to tell others that they shouldn't feel the way they feel? It doesn't only bother me when someone does it to me, but also when I see it done to others.
I am keenly aware that my life circumstance is better than that of a good percentage of the people currently living on the earth. I read a lot. I know about how bad things are for a lot of people. I hate that so many people have such a terrible time of it. I really do. And if I spend too much time thinking about that, I start to get very melancholy and depressed. If I knew what I could do to make life better for people in horrible situations, I would do it.
So, sure. I realize that when I say I've had a bad day that there are many others out there who are having worse lives than my one bad day. I never said otherwise. But I don't really understand why other people being in bad circumstances means that I can't just say that I'm looking forward to tomorrow since today was crap.
Why is it so difficult to just wish someone well? To hope for them that things improve? To just let them have a down moment, while hoping for better? What happened to empathy?
Today was the bad end of a bad week. And I mentioned that on Facebook. And, of course, that seemed to some to be an invitation to some to tell me that my life is actually so great and I have no right to say things are bad. Am I the only one who doesn't get that? This compulsion to tell others that they shouldn't feel the way they feel? It doesn't only bother me when someone does it to me, but also when I see it done to others.
I am keenly aware that my life circumstance is better than that of a good percentage of the people currently living on the earth. I read a lot. I know about how bad things are for a lot of people. I hate that so many people have such a terrible time of it. I really do. And if I spend too much time thinking about that, I start to get very melancholy and depressed. If I knew what I could do to make life better for people in horrible situations, I would do it.
So, sure. I realize that when I say I've had a bad day that there are many others out there who are having worse lives than my one bad day. I never said otherwise. But I don't really understand why other people being in bad circumstances means that I can't just say that I'm looking forward to tomorrow since today was crap.
Why is it so difficult to just wish someone well? To hope for them that things improve? To just let them have a down moment, while hoping for better? What happened to empathy?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Jealous
I'm always so jealous when I see girls who seem to have mastered their own personal style, especially when that style looks like what I wish was my personal style. I'm not really sure of how to describe what I would like to be my style, but maybe funky-classic? Casual-classic? I dunno. I'm not a trendy person, but I do try to make sure that I'm not wearing things that are horribly out-of-fashion. If I ever take "fashion quizes" in magazines, I usually just barely fall under "classic," but I know I'm not classic in the glamorous, Audrey Hepburn or Jackie Kennedy way.
No, I'm not glamorous at all. I don't know how to accessorize. I don't wear lipstick. I'm not sure how so many other people seem to be able to look so cute and put together. My default work clothes are dresses, since there is very little involved in making sure the outfit "works." Just coordinate the shoes and go. My default at-home wear is whatever is super comfortable and warm. Yet I still wish I had whatever gene it is that makes people know exactly what looks good together and exactly what looks good on their bodies, all while looking as though they put very little effort into the whole thing. Like it just came naturally for them to know how to mix all the elements of their wardrobe into an amazing collage of perfect outfits.
I recently stumbled onto this blog. I can't remember how I found it and I hope this girl doesn't hate me for linking to her since I am not a fashion blogger, but I just think she is completely adorable. I know that not all of her outfits would work for me (she looks super-cute in skinny jeans and flats, while I look weird and frumpy in them), but she does such a great job of mixing together outfits that are workable for a mom, and yet fun and flattering. I would love to be more like that.
There is also the whole make-up thing. I wear powder foundation and mascara. And chapstick (what? that's not make-up?) I recently started wearing eye shadow, but I have somewhat hooded eyes and I am just not good at putting it on. My friend Sara, on the other hand, her make-up always looks fabulous. As though her make-up is professionally done each time she leaves the house. Is it bad to be jealous of how good your friends look?
Anyway, I'm not really sure of what to do. I think I will start with cleaning out my closet. I tried to start this weekend, but there was a birthday party and a baby shower and t-ball practice and two little boys running around like crazy people that kept me from getting to it. But this weekend, I really am going to try. I'm going to try to go through my closet and get rid of everything that doesn't fit well or that I haven't worn in over a year. And then I'm going to try pairing things together that I've never worn together. And I'm going to try to make a list of some accessories I think might help me expand/enhance some of those outfits
We'll see how it goes. But taking baby steps in the direction of working on my personal style is certainly better than sitting around being jealous of how great other people look.
No, I'm not glamorous at all. I don't know how to accessorize. I don't wear lipstick. I'm not sure how so many other people seem to be able to look so cute and put together. My default work clothes are dresses, since there is very little involved in making sure the outfit "works." Just coordinate the shoes and go. My default at-home wear is whatever is super comfortable and warm. Yet I still wish I had whatever gene it is that makes people know exactly what looks good together and exactly what looks good on their bodies, all while looking as though they put very little effort into the whole thing. Like it just came naturally for them to know how to mix all the elements of their wardrobe into an amazing collage of perfect outfits.
I recently stumbled onto this blog. I can't remember how I found it and I hope this girl doesn't hate me for linking to her since I am not a fashion blogger, but I just think she is completely adorable. I know that not all of her outfits would work for me (she looks super-cute in skinny jeans and flats, while I look weird and frumpy in them), but she does such a great job of mixing together outfits that are workable for a mom, and yet fun and flattering. I would love to be more like that.
There is also the whole make-up thing. I wear powder foundation and mascara. And chapstick (what? that's not make-up?) I recently started wearing eye shadow, but I have somewhat hooded eyes and I am just not good at putting it on. My friend Sara, on the other hand, her make-up always looks fabulous. As though her make-up is professionally done each time she leaves the house. Is it bad to be jealous of how good your friends look?
Anyway, I'm not really sure of what to do. I think I will start with cleaning out my closet. I tried to start this weekend, but there was a birthday party and a baby shower and t-ball practice and two little boys running around like crazy people that kept me from getting to it. But this weekend, I really am going to try. I'm going to try to go through my closet and get rid of everything that doesn't fit well or that I haven't worn in over a year. And then I'm going to try pairing things together that I've never worn together. And I'm going to try to make a list of some accessories I think might help me expand/enhance some of those outfits
We'll see how it goes. But taking baby steps in the direction of working on my personal style is certainly better than sitting around being jealous of how great other people look.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Toothpicks, Please
There are many reasons I have only two children. Two kids is really plenty for me. I do not feel the need to just continue producing offspring. I love, LOVE my boys. But the thought of going through another pregnancy and the whole newborn phase again is completely terrifying to me. I was ecstatic when I put all my maternity clothes in a bin and gave them away. I don't think I've ever once had a dreamy nostalgic thought of "Well, babies are cute and maybe I should have kept the clothes...." No. I was glad to help out someone who needed them, but also glad to be rid of them.
The main thing I do not miss at all about having a baby around is the sleepless nights. Neither of my boys were good nighttime sleepers. I tried to do things "right," like having them sleep in their own crib every night from the time we brought them home from the hospital. I did not rush to them every single time they fussed. I tried to follow the rules that are supposed to produce good sleepers, but to no avail. My kids were up every few hours, every night, for months on end. Oh, the torture of never getting a full night sleep. My kids obviously hated me.
Things got a little better after my oldest turned one, but not long after, I was pregnant again and even more exhausted. And any change of schedule or even minor illness would send us into a spate of sleepless nights. Once my youngest was born, it was back to the cycle of up every few hours, every night. But then my oldest would somehow manage to wake up at least once a night too. Oy.
Most of the first six months of my youngest son's life are a blur in my memory. All I really remember is the overwhelming exhaustion. I'm not sure what I said to them on the phone or what prompted it, but I do have this vivid memory of opening the front door and my parents standing there on the porch. My mom took the baby, who was probably only a few weeks old at the time, and said "Go to bed. We can take care of our grandsons for a few hours." I broke down in tears.
Going without sleep is hard. Really, really hard. I guess in a way it gets you used to the fact that most things about being a parent are hard, but that doesn't make up for lost sleep. Add to no sleep trying to be a good parent and work full time and salvage some semblence of a life (outside of parenting and sleep-deprivation), and you have a recipe for disaster.
It seems like my kids have been sick on-and-off (but mostly on) since.... oh... the beginning of winter. Month after month of spending bundles of nights getting up every few hours to administer medicine, wipe noses, and various other unpleasant things I will not detail here, and I feel like I cannot go on like this much longer. I just want winter to go away, for my kids to be well, and to get a full nights' sleep for more than two nights in a row. I also wish this post were better and that it made sense, but I can barely stay awake. This will have to do for now. In the meantime, I need to set the coffeemaker to brew in the morning and remember to set out the toothpicks to help me keep my eyes open for work.
The main thing I do not miss at all about having a baby around is the sleepless nights. Neither of my boys were good nighttime sleepers. I tried to do things "right," like having them sleep in their own crib every night from the time we brought them home from the hospital. I did not rush to them every single time they fussed. I tried to follow the rules that are supposed to produce good sleepers, but to no avail. My kids were up every few hours, every night, for months on end. Oh, the torture of never getting a full night sleep. My kids obviously hated me.
Things got a little better after my oldest turned one, but not long after, I was pregnant again and even more exhausted. And any change of schedule or even minor illness would send us into a spate of sleepless nights. Once my youngest was born, it was back to the cycle of up every few hours, every night. But then my oldest would somehow manage to wake up at least once a night too. Oy.
Most of the first six months of my youngest son's life are a blur in my memory. All I really remember is the overwhelming exhaustion. I'm not sure what I said to them on the phone or what prompted it, but I do have this vivid memory of opening the front door and my parents standing there on the porch. My mom took the baby, who was probably only a few weeks old at the time, and said "Go to bed. We can take care of our grandsons for a few hours." I broke down in tears.
Going without sleep is hard. Really, really hard. I guess in a way it gets you used to the fact that most things about being a parent are hard, but that doesn't make up for lost sleep. Add to no sleep trying to be a good parent and work full time and salvage some semblence of a life (outside of parenting and sleep-deprivation), and you have a recipe for disaster.
It seems like my kids have been sick on-and-off (but mostly on) since.... oh... the beginning of winter. Month after month of spending bundles of nights getting up every few hours to administer medicine, wipe noses, and various other unpleasant things I will not detail here, and I feel like I cannot go on like this much longer. I just want winter to go away, for my kids to be well, and to get a full nights' sleep for more than two nights in a row. I also wish this post were better and that it made sense, but I can barely stay awake. This will have to do for now. In the meantime, I need to set the coffeemaker to brew in the morning and remember to set out the toothpicks to help me keep my eyes open for work.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
New Year, New Motto
"Every opportunity has an expiration date,
and the cost of missing out is greater than the cost of messing up."
— Pete Wilson
I am a hesitator. A what-if?-er. An over-analyzer. A second-guesser. I like to just say I'm "indecisive," but that's really being nice. I agonize over even the simplest decision, wondering if I'm making the right choice. It is annoying, frustrating, and tiring. And I want to stop.
So this is my new motto. I keep telling myself that the missing out on opportunities is so much worse than things not turning out exactly how I want. I have many good intentions, but when it comes down to it I freak myself out that things will go badly so I don't follow through. I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to look back at my life with regrets.
Maybe I will start blogging again, since I have sadly neglected my blog for quite some time now. Maybe I will keep track of some of the things I tackle without hesitating. Maybe. For now, I have some people to call and places to go.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Trying
This is about the time in the trying to write every day when I get discouraged that I am trying to write so frequently and only a few people ever read what I write. Believe me, I love that several of my friends make an effort to read whatever I manage to type out, but sadly for them most of what I write about and is stuff I've already discussed with them. My posts are just crazy recaps of things I've already said out loud or hashed out over instant message.
I know there are many ways to increase blog traffic, such as participating in certain posts on certain days and linking back to the original blog. There are many other similar ways to do this, but none of them seem very "me." I've never really been much of a joiner. I really just want people to read my blog because it's witty and interesting.
I realize it would help if my blog were actually witty and interesting, but in my mind I get points for trying.
I know there are many ways to increase blog traffic, such as participating in certain posts on certain days and linking back to the original blog. There are many other similar ways to do this, but none of them seem very "me." I've never really been much of a joiner. I really just want people to read my blog because it's witty and interesting.
I realize it would help if my blog were actually witty and interesting, but in my mind I get points for trying.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It's Settled
About a week ago I sort of read this article about a girl who had decided to take on a different adventure every week for one year. I only sort of read it because it was a very long and not particularly interesting article. I read the first paragraph, skimmed the next few, and lost interest. Aren't you glad to be reading this? Me boring you with a blog about a boring article? Stay with me for a minute. (Or don't. I'm going to finish this post either way.)
So, back here I wrote that I was going to find something of importance to do. And all week I've been trying to think of what organization I can work with or where I can volunteer and sometimes take the boys too. Then something reminded me of that article I sorta read and I thought maybe I could do something similar, only with volunteering. And maybe do every month instead of every week since volunteering usually requires some amount of planning and I do have a full time job and two kids who are my sole responsibility on the weekends.
But once a month doesn't quite seem like enough. So I've decided that each week for at least the next six months, I am going to do something to help someone. Although I'd like for at least one of those weeks each month to be volunteering, it doesn't have to be volunteering with a group or organization. It just has to be something that helps someone else and is outside my normal realm of responsibilities. In fact, unless it is some crazy, out-of-the-ordinary circumstance, helping Ryan or either of the boys won't count.
So there it is. At least one time each week I will go out of my way to do something to help someone else. And yes, I mean more than just holding the door for someone or telling someone they have something stuck in their teeth. This has to be something I go out of my way to do. I know at first it will take some planning, but I am hoping that as my goal becomes more present in my thoughts, I will notice opportunities and be able to do fill my requirement without spending too much time on the planning part. I'd rather use the time for the executing part.
I will try to post from time to time some of the things I do. I already have in mind what I am going to do this coming week. I can't really give many details, but I know of someone who probably needs some help but who would probably never ask me. So I'm going to surprise her and help her anyway. I'm guessing that at some point this whole idea is going to be a huge challenge for me, but tonight I'm feeling really good about it. Let's try to go with the whole feeling-good-about-it thing for as long as we can, shall we? I think this may be just what I need to kick the last remnants of my Seasonal Affective Disorder/career issues and get on with my life.
So, back here I wrote that I was going to find something of importance to do. And all week I've been trying to think of what organization I can work with or where I can volunteer and sometimes take the boys too. Then something reminded me of that article I sorta read and I thought maybe I could do something similar, only with volunteering. And maybe do every month instead of every week since volunteering usually requires some amount of planning and I do have a full time job and two kids who are my sole responsibility on the weekends.
But once a month doesn't quite seem like enough. So I've decided that each week for at least the next six months, I am going to do something to help someone. Although I'd like for at least one of those weeks each month to be volunteering, it doesn't have to be volunteering with a group or organization. It just has to be something that helps someone else and is outside my normal realm of responsibilities. In fact, unless it is some crazy, out-of-the-ordinary circumstance, helping Ryan or either of the boys won't count.
So there it is. At least one time each week I will go out of my way to do something to help someone else. And yes, I mean more than just holding the door for someone or telling someone they have something stuck in their teeth. This has to be something I go out of my way to do. I know at first it will take some planning, but I am hoping that as my goal becomes more present in my thoughts, I will notice opportunities and be able to do fill my requirement without spending too much time on the planning part. I'd rather use the time for the executing part.
I will try to post from time to time some of the things I do. I already have in mind what I am going to do this coming week. I can't really give many details, but I know of someone who probably needs some help but who would probably never ask me. So I'm going to surprise her and help her anyway. I'm guessing that at some point this whole idea is going to be a huge challenge for me, but tonight I'm feeling really good about it. Let's try to go with the whole feeling-good-about-it thing for as long as we can, shall we? I think this may be just what I need to kick the last remnants of my Seasonal Affective Disorder/career issues and get on with my life.
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