I had high hopes the new year. I was going to have a renewed sense of purpose and focus on establishing some new practices. Only, that's not what happened. I just couldn't seem to muster up the motivation or the discipline.
Instead of focusing on practices and purpose, I spent the better part of January binge-watching the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I had never seen before. I spent any time I had to myself watching Buffy save the world a lot. After spending most of 2015 hardly watching any television, this was... well... a change from that.
I'm not saying it's good or bad. It's just what happened.
I did manage to stay with a couple of my old daily practices. I continued Morning Prayer, and, thanks to an overly-energetic puppy who joined our family in June, I still took walks in the woods every day. I admit I probably would've foregone the walks if the dog would have let me get away with it.
Since I couldn't find my way to starting any new practices, I placated my conscience by trying to use the time in the woods to be present and notice what was going on around me as the seasons made their way through the woods. Even as I experienced a growing sense of general disconnection due to my lack of motivation and discipline, I determined to look for what was still beautiful as the green of Summer and the colors of Fall gave way to the short, cold, gray days of Winter.
I always try to take at least a minute in the woods to close my eyes and breathe deeply, to make myself aware of my connection to the earth beneath my feet and the trees surrounding me. Right now, most of the trees are empty. Just trunks, really, with bare branches sticking out in angles.
I've been feeling a lot like those trees.
I began 2015 with anticipation. I'd been told my career was about to be upended, so I thought it would be a year of big, exciting, scary change. But then it wasn't. And now it's 2016 and I'm in seemingly the same place with nothing temporal to show for the transformation I thought was inevitable. Like a tree in winter, whatever shelter or beauty I had in former seasons is gone, carried away in the biting, Autumn wind. I have nothing to offer.
But surely something happened or is happening. Trees don't cease to exist in winter. Things are happening under the ground, right? I tried to reassure myself with those thoughts. But I've since learned that trees are dormant in winter. Almost nothing is happening. They wait out the season, drawing on resources they saved in the other seasons, trying to stay alive. Not especially encouraging to my analogy. But then I found this:
"It is possible to force a tree to evade dormancy if you keep it inside and with a stable temperature and light pattern. However, this is usually bad for the tree. It's natural for trees to go through dormancy cycles, and the lifespan of the plant is dramatically decreased if the tree is not allowed to go dormant for a few months. Trees have winter dormancy for a reason, and it's best to just let them run their course as nature intended."
I know I'm not a tree, but something about those words is reassuring. Seasons of dormancy are natural and healthy. I remembered that Parker J. Palmer uses the seasons a metaphor for exploring selfhood and vocation in his book 'Let Your Life Speak.'
Palmer writes that winter is a reminder that "times of dormancy and deep rest are essential to all living things. Despite all appearances, of course, nature is not dead in winter-it has gone underground to renew itself and prepare for spring. Winter is a time when we are admonished, and even inclined, to do the same for ourselves....Winter clears the landscape, however brutally, giving us a chance to see ourselves and each other more clearly, to see the very ground of our being."
Maybe I stumbled into this dormant season and maybe binge-watching an old TV series isn't the best way to renew myself and prepare for what's next. A part of me is a bit terrified that nothing is next. Terrified that the trees will soon be filled with leaves and new life and I'll still be dormant, with nothing to offer.
I guess that could happen.
But maybe recognizing the necessity of an occasional time of dormancy can bring me the perspective I need. I hope it will help me be more understanding of myself and others. And I pray I can now try to look clearly at the ground of my being and at least open myself to the possibility of a new season.
Showing posts with label Weather. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weather. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Inevitability
I know everyone loves the colors and the days so brilliant and crisp they seem like a fairy tale. I know the grass is still green. I know the sun, when not hidden, still filters through the leaves with golden shimmers.
I know I should love it.
But to me it feels heavy.
I realize these are the year's last nice days.
I lace up my shoes. I force myself out into the wind, under the clouds. The puddles spray leftover rain onto my calves as my feet strike the pavement and propel me forward. Sometimes I can focus on my stride. On beating my time. On pushing myself to run faster, to stretch, to feel only the air enveloping me and the rhythm and my breath.
But sometimes I don't care how fast I am.
Sometimes I get distracted by the red-tailed hawk swooping gracefully to a tree and calling for its mate. Sometimes the clouds are too ominous and the colors too striking and all I can feel is the brilliant yellow and red against angry, dark skies.
Sometimes all I can see is a final, defiant display of beauty in the face of winter's inevitability.
And when I see that, I feel both exhilarated and defeated.
The dull, gray winter will come regardless.
The gloom will settle in and all will be shades of white and shadows and endless months of chill.
The weight is almost too much.
Yet I can't deny the faint whispers of hope in the falling leaves.
This isn't final.
Spring waits in the shadows.
Nothing can stop it.
It will come.
It always does.
I know I should love it.
But to me it feels heavy.
I realize these are the year's last nice days.
I lace up my shoes. I force myself out into the wind, under the clouds. The puddles spray leftover rain onto my calves as my feet strike the pavement and propel me forward. Sometimes I can focus on my stride. On beating my time. On pushing myself to run faster, to stretch, to feel only the air enveloping me and the rhythm and my breath.
But sometimes I don't care how fast I am.
Sometimes I get distracted by the red-tailed hawk swooping gracefully to a tree and calling for its mate. Sometimes the clouds are too ominous and the colors too striking and all I can feel is the brilliant yellow and red against angry, dark skies.
Sometimes all I can see is a final, defiant display of beauty in the face of winter's inevitability.
And when I see that, I feel both exhilarated and defeated.
The dull, gray winter will come regardless.
The gloom will settle in and all will be shades of white and shadows and endless months of chill.
The weight is almost too much.
Yet I can't deny the faint whispers of hope in the falling leaves.
This isn't final.
Spring waits in the shadows.
Nothing can stop it.
It will come.
It always does.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
I Hate Winter / I Need Summer
I know this is only my second post after I made a big deal about how I'm turning over a new leaf with my writing and being very intentional in my editing, but I will go ahead and tell you right now that I do not intend to edit this post like that. I may scan it for glaring errors, but even with that, it isn't going to be pretty. At least for this now I am reverting back to my default mode of just putting it all out there in one sitting, good structure and proper grammar be damned.
I know I've talked before about how I'm kind of a mess of a person sometimes and that I have a lot of trouble finding the words to say to people. Well, as much as I am trying, I am not improving. Actually, this week, I feel like I might be getting worse. I would probably consider this past week one of my worst ever as far as personal improvement or doing things the right way or meeting any goals I've set for myself.
Work has been so strange. Save for one or two good things that happened, I wish I could strike all of it from my memory. The actual work part sucks right now, but then there is all this drama with co-workers and people calling me with all this crazy stuff they want to talk to me about. It's just... disconcerting. I don't like feeling put in the middle of things, but I do care about my co-workers and hate knowing that things suck for them and I have no idea how to help.
If that weren't bad enough I said some words this week to someone I love without listening first and now things are all messed up. Will I ever remember to listen and ask questions before I worry about trying to explain myself? It is a horrible, heartsick feeling -- you know, where you physically experience your feelings deep in your chest and at the top of your spine and in your fingertips every time you think of it. I really hate it.
On top of all that, it is March but still winter. And I hate winter. Hate it to the point that I would be okay with hibernating through it. I really, really want the coldgross (not an overlooked typo, now I'm just making up words) weather to go away and for it to take with it the constant funk I'm in because of it. I need to not be cold. I am almost always cold in winter. Even indoors. And really I hate it.
I need to be able to put on a tank top and shorts and go jogging in the woods to clear my head. I need to be able to go outside and walk barefoot in the grass. I need longer days and open windows and leaves on trees and sunshine. Especially sunshine. I need to sit in the sunshine and feel warm. If I could do that, then maybe I could figure out what to do about the other two things. Maybe.
I know this is all ridiculous and many people in the world have much more horrible problems than I have and this is a selfish rant about what I want, but there it is. I needed to write it out because I needed to get it out of my head. I may have been a little vague about the details of my week, I don't think I've left my feelings about winter open for interpretation.
I know I've talked before about how I'm kind of a mess of a person sometimes and that I have a lot of trouble finding the words to say to people. Well, as much as I am trying, I am not improving. Actually, this week, I feel like I might be getting worse. I would probably consider this past week one of my worst ever as far as personal improvement or doing things the right way or meeting any goals I've set for myself.
Work has been so strange. Save for one or two good things that happened, I wish I could strike all of it from my memory. The actual work part sucks right now, but then there is all this drama with co-workers and people calling me with all this crazy stuff they want to talk to me about. It's just... disconcerting. I don't like feeling put in the middle of things, but I do care about my co-workers and hate knowing that things suck for them and I have no idea how to help.
If that weren't bad enough I said some words this week to someone I love without listening first and now things are all messed up. Will I ever remember to listen and ask questions before I worry about trying to explain myself? It is a horrible, heartsick feeling -- you know, where you physically experience your feelings deep in your chest and at the top of your spine and in your fingertips every time you think of it. I really hate it.
On top of all that, it is March but still winter. And I hate winter. Hate it to the point that I would be okay with hibernating through it. I really, really want the coldgross (not an overlooked typo, now I'm just making up words) weather to go away and for it to take with it the constant funk I'm in because of it. I need to not be cold. I am almost always cold in winter. Even indoors. And really I hate it.
I need to be able to put on a tank top and shorts and go jogging in the woods to clear my head. I need to be able to go outside and walk barefoot in the grass. I need longer days and open windows and leaves on trees and sunshine. Especially sunshine. I need to sit in the sunshine and feel warm. If I could do that, then maybe I could figure out what to do about the other two things. Maybe.
I know this is all ridiculous and many people in the world have much more horrible problems than I have and this is a selfish rant about what I want, but there it is. I needed to write it out because I needed to get it out of my head. I may have been a little vague about the details of my week, I don't think I've left my feelings about winter open for interpretation.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Unsettled
There is something about this time of year that makes me acutely aware of the passage of time and leaves me feeling unsettled. Perhaps it is because my birthday is in October or perhaps it is because it feels like once November is so close on the horizon the remainder of the year zooms by in a holiday-fueled rush. Whatever it is, I find this the most agitating time of year.
Southwestern Ohio weather has a tendency to be completely crazy in any season, but something about the utter fickleness of Autumn here makes me feel off-balance. The leaves begin to turn and the wind kicks up and I start to feel like something I can't put my finger on has disconcerted my soul and an unprovoked unease has crept into my heart. I can't stop myself from continually taking stock of everything in my life and wondering what I should be doing differently.
I am not one of those women you read about who are caught up in the having-it-all trap. I do not think I have to have it all, do it all, or be it all. I actually spend a lot of time doing nothing at all worth mentioning. This isn't to say I've reached some praise-worthy level of enlightenment, it simply speaks more to the fact that I've accepted the way my brain is wired and I feel completely fine leaving "it all" to others. I'm an introvert and I spend a lot of time at home. My natural state is not one of worrying if I'm getting ahead in life.
But when Autumn blows in, I can feel myself withdrawing from people even more than usual. I get mentally exhausted from my efforts to inventory what I do and why I do it and where I need to focus efforts to improve. I find myself feeling like I'm constantly being interrupted, only to realize all I was doing was thinking and no actual interruption occurred other than normal life happening around me. It seems like I'm running out of time, like I should have more figured out, like I would give anything for life to have a pause button to allow me to get my shit together before proceeding.
But there is no such luxury and not much else I can do but plod on and wait to regain my balance. Lately I have been trying to focus more on the people around me and do my best to quiet my mind and give them my full attention throughout the day. It's not much, but it is something to pull me back to reality when my mind is racing and my heart is overwhelmed.
Southwestern Ohio weather has a tendency to be completely crazy in any season, but something about the utter fickleness of Autumn here makes me feel off-balance. The leaves begin to turn and the wind kicks up and I start to feel like something I can't put my finger on has disconcerted my soul and an unprovoked unease has crept into my heart. I can't stop myself from continually taking stock of everything in my life and wondering what I should be doing differently.
I am not one of those women you read about who are caught up in the having-it-all trap. I do not think I have to have it all, do it all, or be it all. I actually spend a lot of time doing nothing at all worth mentioning. This isn't to say I've reached some praise-worthy level of enlightenment, it simply speaks more to the fact that I've accepted the way my brain is wired and I feel completely fine leaving "it all" to others. I'm an introvert and I spend a lot of time at home. My natural state is not one of worrying if I'm getting ahead in life.
But when Autumn blows in, I can feel myself withdrawing from people even more than usual. I get mentally exhausted from my efforts to inventory what I do and why I do it and where I need to focus efforts to improve. I find myself feeling like I'm constantly being interrupted, only to realize all I was doing was thinking and no actual interruption occurred other than normal life happening around me. It seems like I'm running out of time, like I should have more figured out, like I would give anything for life to have a pause button to allow me to get my shit together before proceeding.
But there is no such luxury and not much else I can do but plod on and wait to regain my balance. Lately I have been trying to focus more on the people around me and do my best to quiet my mind and give them my full attention throughout the day. It's not much, but it is something to pull me back to reality when my mind is racing and my heart is overwhelmed.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
One of Those Days
I feel I can share this because, well, lets face it. I was probably out of the running for "Mother of the Year" back in January.
I overslept this morning. I use my iPod as my alarm clock, but somehow the volume was turned all the way down and I didn't wake up until four minutes before we were supposed to be outside waiting for the bus to take Luke to school. Of course, had it been the weekend, at least one of the boys would have already woken me up hours ago. Panic. For about half a second, I considered grabbing Luke out of bed, throwing clothes on him, and dragging him outside, but I quickly realized what a complete disaster that would be. He does not wake up well, nor does he do well with being that rushed. We probably both would have been in tears by the time we got outside and we STILL might have missed the bus.
Fine. Plan B. Mondays are my turn to get both boys to school. I usually get up, work out, shower, wake up the boys, get them ready, get Luke on the bus, sign on to my laptop, work from 8-8:30, leave to take Owen to preschool, come home, and work the rest of the day. Now I had to rush around, get the boys ready, load them both in the car, and set off for Luke's school, which is the complete opposite direction of Owen's school. Good times.
Of course, since the morning was now complete chaos, all bets were off. Luke was crying because because I told him if he wasn't going to eat his breakfast right away he needed to get dressed first. But that isn't his routine. Owen was crying because he didn't want to leave early. I refrained from crying, but I really kind of wanted to. I mean, I didn't even have time to make coffee.
It was pouring down rain and we got stuck behind the same really super-slow driver in a Suburban going and coming. Thankfully Luke didn't freak out about having to jump out of the car and go in to school by himself, so at least we didn't hold up the drop-off lane. When we finally made it to Owen's school, I realized I couldn't remember the security code to get in the door. Argh! It's not like I am trying to pretend that I have it all together, but I hate being that mom who seems to never have it together. Thank God some other mother walked in right ahead of me. Some other mother who knew the code. Whatever.
With both boys safely at school, I finally got back home to continue working. Then I saw on my calendar I soon had a conference call with one of the most unpleasant people I've ever had to work with. You know, the kind of person who thinks he can do everyone else's job better than they can and tells you that repeatedly when you're just trying to get some information from him. Of course I would have a meeting with him. It was just that kind of day.
It's actually been that kind of week. Clearly I began writing this on Monday, but just now got around to finishing and posting it. Can it be Friday?
I overslept this morning. I use my iPod as my alarm clock, but somehow the volume was turned all the way down and I didn't wake up until four minutes before we were supposed to be outside waiting for the bus to take Luke to school. Of course, had it been the weekend, at least one of the boys would have already woken me up hours ago. Panic. For about half a second, I considered grabbing Luke out of bed, throwing clothes on him, and dragging him outside, but I quickly realized what a complete disaster that would be. He does not wake up well, nor does he do well with being that rushed. We probably both would have been in tears by the time we got outside and we STILL might have missed the bus.
Fine. Plan B. Mondays are my turn to get both boys to school. I usually get up, work out, shower, wake up the boys, get them ready, get Luke on the bus, sign on to my laptop, work from 8-8:30, leave to take Owen to preschool, come home, and work the rest of the day. Now I had to rush around, get the boys ready, load them both in the car, and set off for Luke's school, which is the complete opposite direction of Owen's school. Good times.
Of course, since the morning was now complete chaos, all bets were off. Luke was crying because because I told him if he wasn't going to eat his breakfast right away he needed to get dressed first. But that isn't his routine. Owen was crying because he didn't want to leave early. I refrained from crying, but I really kind of wanted to. I mean, I didn't even have time to make coffee.
It was pouring down rain and we got stuck behind the same really super-slow driver in a Suburban going and coming. Thankfully Luke didn't freak out about having to jump out of the car and go in to school by himself, so at least we didn't hold up the drop-off lane. When we finally made it to Owen's school, I realized I couldn't remember the security code to get in the door. Argh! It's not like I am trying to pretend that I have it all together, but I hate being that mom who seems to never have it together. Thank God some other mother walked in right ahead of me. Some other mother who knew the code. Whatever.
With both boys safely at school, I finally got back home to continue working. Then I saw on my calendar I soon had a conference call with one of the most unpleasant people I've ever had to work with. You know, the kind of person who thinks he can do everyone else's job better than they can and tells you that repeatedly when you're just trying to get some information from him. Of course I would have a meeting with him. It was just that kind of day.
It's actually been that kind of week. Clearly I began writing this on Monday, but just now got around to finishing and posting it. Can it be Friday?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Oh... Weather
I have quite a few posts about weather. Many of them are complaining about the weather, but I do live in Ohio so I feel the rants are justified. We are in the middle of what has seemed like weeks of rain and chill and wind. More storms expected tonight and tomorrow. It's just difficult to feel motivated to do anything when I know we should be having Springtime, but we are really just having rain. I would be fine with sleeping away the days until sunshine and warmth return.
I was thinking today while waiting for Luke to get off the bus that it even seems like the trees are waiting for this deluge to stop before they finally unfurl their leaves and blossoms. I wrote this post about only seeing green out the window and how wonderful that is. Right now, the grass is really green, but the trees still just look like giant, leafless sticks. I need green and flowers and heat! Is that too much to ask? Is it?
I was thinking today while waiting for Luke to get off the bus that it even seems like the trees are waiting for this deluge to stop before they finally unfurl their leaves and blossoms. I wrote this post about only seeing green out the window and how wonderful that is. Right now, the grass is really green, but the trees still just look like giant, leafless sticks. I need green and flowers and heat! Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Some Things I Like
It's been a while since I posted a favorite things list. And on a night like tonight when I realize I haven't been able to beat my writer's block and I have ten loads of laundry to fold before I can go to sleep, it seems like a good idea to post another one. Maybe "good idea" is generous. More like, I seems like what I am going to do, good, bad, or indifferent.
Boursin Cheese - I could maybe eat an entire pack of Boursin Cheese all by myself in one sitting. Not maybe. I know I could. It is delicious. I used to eat it on crackers, but I was trying low-carb for a while and started eating it on salami. To. Die. For. No joke, if my last meal included Boursin Cheese, I would die happy.
The Television Show Parenthood -Such a good show. I end up laughing out loud a lot, but also crying at least once per episode. The writing is great and the cast is amazing. Plus, I think I might have a girl-crush on Lauren Graham. She is perfect in such a relatable, imperfect way.
Shoemall.com - All the shoes I've bought in the past four months that I love and want to wear all the time have been purchased from Shoemall.com. I know there are other sites out there, but The selection on Shoemall is great and I like the ease of sorting/finding on the site, as well as the discounts they offer.
Small-Venue Concerts - I haven't been to an excessive number of concerts, but I've been to a few. I by far prefer the ones that have been in small theaters to the ones in massive stadiums. Last night I saw Sara Bareilles at a small, local theatre. Amazing.
Summertime - I know I've posted this one before, but this spring is dragging on and on in a cold, wet, depressing grossness. I am just ready for the weather to be hot and sunny. I love summer and I miss it so much.
The end. For now.
Boursin Cheese - I could maybe eat an entire pack of Boursin Cheese all by myself in one sitting. Not maybe. I know I could. It is delicious. I used to eat it on crackers, but I was trying low-carb for a while and started eating it on salami. To. Die. For. No joke, if my last meal included Boursin Cheese, I would die happy.
The Television Show Parenthood -Such a good show. I end up laughing out loud a lot, but also crying at least once per episode. The writing is great and the cast is amazing. Plus, I think I might have a girl-crush on Lauren Graham. She is perfect in such a relatable, imperfect way.
Shoemall.com - All the shoes I've bought in the past four months that I love and want to wear all the time have been purchased from Shoemall.com. I know there are other sites out there, but The selection on Shoemall is great and I like the ease of sorting/finding on the site, as well as the discounts they offer.
Small-Venue Concerts - I haven't been to an excessive number of concerts, but I've been to a few. I by far prefer the ones that have been in small theaters to the ones in massive stadiums. Last night I saw Sara Bareilles at a small, local theatre. Amazing.
Summertime - I know I've posted this one before, but this spring is dragging on and on in a cold, wet, depressing grossness. I am just ready for the weather to be hot and sunny. I love summer and I miss it so much.
The end. For now.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Ew
In case I haven't mentioned it enough times, I'll say it again. I love summertime. And I love summertime weather no matter what the season. What I don't like are bugs. I'm not one of those girls who screams and gets on a chair if I see an ant, but I prefer for bugs to stay outside. One of the bad things about summer is that you are outside more frequently and the doors are opened a lot more frequently and bugs just tend to get inside a lot more.
The worst of the bugs that get inside are ticks. Unlike other bugs that wait outside on the porch and fly in when the door opens a crack, tick come in on your skin. Ticks are also dangerous and can give you a serious illness. And they are so tiny and can crawl on you without you feeling it. Tonight the boys and I went for a walk. Just a walk up the road, not out in the woods. At the time I'm writing this I have now found four ticks. I found one on each of the boys and one on myself before their bedtime. About ten minutes ago, I found another one crawling on my neck.
My skin is crawling. I hate that feeling. It's like when you hear people talk about head lice and your head starts itching. Only this is worse, because I did actually find two of the things crawling on my skin! I guess it's time to go out and stock up on some serious DEET-filled, deep-woods OFF! and spray us all down with it whenever we go outside. And we might all have to shave our heads, just to be on the safe side.
The worst of the bugs that get inside are ticks. Unlike other bugs that wait outside on the porch and fly in when the door opens a crack, tick come in on your skin. Ticks are also dangerous and can give you a serious illness. And they are so tiny and can crawl on you without you feeling it. Tonight the boys and I went for a walk. Just a walk up the road, not out in the woods. At the time I'm writing this I have now found four ticks. I found one on each of the boys and one on myself before their bedtime. About ten minutes ago, I found another one crawling on my neck.
My skin is crawling. I hate that feeling. It's like when you hear people talk about head lice and your head starts itching. Only this is worse, because I did actually find two of the things crawling on my skin! I guess it's time to go out and stock up on some serious DEET-filled, deep-woods OFF! and spray us all down with it whenever we go outside. And we might all have to shave our heads, just to be on the safe side.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Please Don't Leave
Today was my perfect day weather-wise. Eighty-three degrees, sunny, slight breeze, not too humid. Even though it was a work day, I got to stay at home thanks to this nasty cough. I sat outside on the back porch all day. *huge sigh of contentment* If only we could have these days on the weekend. That would be perfect. Of course, by the weekend the highs will only be in the mid-fifties. If only wishing for this perfect weather to stay could make it so.
Perfect, summery weather..... please don't leave!
Perfect, summery weather..... please don't leave!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sea Foam Green Couch
There are some things I remember from growing up almost as though I watched them happen and took pictures in my head. I remember them in a series of snapshots that I can flip through and linger over. Sure, some of these snapshots are not ones I want to review too often, but thankfully most of them are good.
My dad worked a lot when I was growing up. Most nights he would come home late, well after my mom, sisters, and I had eaten dinner. He would sit in a dining room chair, and unlace his Red Wing steel-toe work boots. My sisters and I would clamor to talk to him, to stand in his boots, to tell him what happened during the day. My mom would heat up his dinner and he would eat while we climbed on and around him. I'm sure he would have liked nothing more than to just take a shower and go to bed, but he listened and talked to us and then tucked us in for the night.
Except on nights when there were thunderstorms. My dad loves thunderstorms. On nights when there were thunderstorms, we would all pile on the ancient, boxy, sea foam green couch my parents inherited from somewhere and watch the storm. Our house was tiny, but had the perfect setup for storm watching. One of the rooms was a long, narrow, breezeway/enclosed porch-type room with floor-to-ceiling Jalousie windows all along one wall. The green couch faced the windows, as that was the only way the couch would fit in the narrow room and still allow for foot traffic.
We would crank all the windows open far enough that we could experience the sounds of the storm, yet not so far that rain would blow in. All the lights would be turned off, then we'd jump on the couch and wait. There was some wiggling, squirming, jockeying for seats, but once we all caught a glimpse of the backyard illuminated by the lightning, we'd forget whose leg was touching her foot and just watch. I really don't remember what else was said, but I do remember vividly what everything out those windows looked like in the electric-blue-white flashes of light on those nights. And I remember how it felt to be kind of afraid of the storm, but also so incredibly comforted by the nearness of my family. I have a special file in my head for the snapshots of those nights.
Luke has been talking for days about how my family used to watch storms when I was little. I'm pretty sure I didn't tell him, so I guess my mom or dad has some snapshots of those nights too. Tonight we finally had a big thunderstorm and he went around turning off all the lights and asked if we could sit on the couch together and watch. Let's just say I added some new snapshots to my collection. Luke and Owen all snuggled up next to us, their profiles illuminated in the flashes, making some new storm watching memories. Minus the sea foam green couch.
My dad worked a lot when I was growing up. Most nights he would come home late, well after my mom, sisters, and I had eaten dinner. He would sit in a dining room chair, and unlace his Red Wing steel-toe work boots. My sisters and I would clamor to talk to him, to stand in his boots, to tell him what happened during the day. My mom would heat up his dinner and he would eat while we climbed on and around him. I'm sure he would have liked nothing more than to just take a shower and go to bed, but he listened and talked to us and then tucked us in for the night.
Except on nights when there were thunderstorms. My dad loves thunderstorms. On nights when there were thunderstorms, we would all pile on the ancient, boxy, sea foam green couch my parents inherited from somewhere and watch the storm. Our house was tiny, but had the perfect setup for storm watching. One of the rooms was a long, narrow, breezeway/enclosed porch-type room with floor-to-ceiling Jalousie windows all along one wall. The green couch faced the windows, as that was the only way the couch would fit in the narrow room and still allow for foot traffic.
We would crank all the windows open far enough that we could experience the sounds of the storm, yet not so far that rain would blow in. All the lights would be turned off, then we'd jump on the couch and wait. There was some wiggling, squirming, jockeying for seats, but once we all caught a glimpse of the backyard illuminated by the lightning, we'd forget whose leg was touching her foot and just watch. I really don't remember what else was said, but I do remember vividly what everything out those windows looked like in the electric-blue-white flashes of light on those nights. And I remember how it felt to be kind of afraid of the storm, but also so incredibly comforted by the nearness of my family. I have a special file in my head for the snapshots of those nights.
Luke has been talking for days about how my family used to watch storms when I was little. I'm pretty sure I didn't tell him, so I guess my mom or dad has some snapshots of those nights too. Tonight we finally had a big thunderstorm and he went around turning off all the lights and asked if we could sit on the couch together and watch. Let's just say I added some new snapshots to my collection. Luke and Owen all snuggled up next to us, their profiles illuminated in the flashes, making some new storm watching memories. Minus the sea foam green couch.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sunshine, Yoga, and Another Tattoo
Wednesday was the first day in months I actually let myself think Spring might not be dead after all. The sun was shining and I got to leave the office for lunch and go on a drive and listen to the live Jack Johnson CD with the sunroof open. I found a dress for my friend's wedding. Even though work is still totally terrible and depressing, I had a few really good moments. That was nice.
Today it is rainy/cloudy and we are expecting rain off and on for the next week. It is also only going to be in the 50s, so I'm not really excited about that. However, I will take 50s and raining over 20s and snowing any day (you know, if 80's and sunny aren't an option).
I still feel all weird and not myself, but I'm taking some steps to try to get myself out of this funk. The first thing I did was to take up yoga. I ordered a Barbara Benaugh DVD and a pretty green mat from Amazon, in search of some serious zen. I figure I must do something to help me stop feeling so frustrated with the weather and the way things are going at work. I'm about a week and a half into my yoga experiment, so I'm trying to tell myself this could just be a yoga crush. But I must say that I'm loving it. I love that when I feel myself getting stressed at work, I think to myself "Make your out-breath deeper. Lower your shoulders." and then I do that and it actually helps.
AND..... tomorrow is tattoo day! I'm finally getting my next tattoo and it's gonna be beautiful! (I hope. That's the plan anyway.) This week has been weird and sad and stressful, but tattoo day is finally almost here and I am finally getting SO EXCITED! I have wanted something on my arm for a long time and I can't wait to see how it turns out! I'm getting really tired of not having something to fill this huge blank spot on my arm.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Derailed
derail (v)
de•rail [ dee ráyl ] (past and past participle de•railed, present participle de•rail•ing, 3rd person present singular de•rails)
transitive and intransitive verb
Definition:
1. come off rails: to make a train or tram come off the rails, or come off the rails
2. send or go off course: to send something off course, or go off course
Synonyms: disrupt, upset, wreck, ruin, spoil, overturn, unsettle, disorganize, interfere, dislocate, disturb, derange, disorder
I can’t believe so much time has passed since I last blogged. This is just insanity. Nothing excessively terrible has happened, but I feel completely derailed by this winter. I had all these things I was working on. All this areas of my life needing improvement and I was going to tackle them. Now I have no motivation at all. I keep joking around that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. The bad thing is…. I’m not exactly joking. I looked it up, and it pretty much describes how I feel:
And I really do blame all of this on winter. I know people have all those annoying clichés about attitude and positive thinking, but none of them help me. And don’t even get me started on being glad that I’m not as bad off as some other people. In my opinion, focusing on the misfortune of other human beings is a terrible and stupid way to try to feel better. Just thinking about someone suggesting that pisses me off.
I really don’t know what to do. I am so freakin sick of looking out the window and seeing gray skies and patches of snow partially melted into the mud from the one day recently it actually got above freezing. I’m sick of going in to the office day-after-day and sitting there with all the other depressed and grumpy people who are also sick of cold and gray and snow and stupid winter. I’m sick of feeling like everything is imploding there and no amount of effort or hard work from me can do anything to stop it. I’m sick of feeling like my life has been derailed by the most horrible of all seasons.
I think I’m just sick.
de•rail [ dee ráyl ] (past and past participle de•railed, present participle de•rail•ing, 3rd person present singular de•rails)
transitive and intransitive verb
Definition:
1. come off rails: to make a train or tram come off the rails, or come off the rails
2. send or go off course: to send something off course, or go off course
Synonyms: disrupt, upset, wreck, ruin, spoil, overturn, unsettle, disorganize, interfere, dislocate, disturb, derange, disorder
I can’t believe so much time has passed since I last blogged. This is just insanity. Nothing excessively terrible has happened, but I feel completely derailed by this winter. I had all these things I was working on. All this areas of my life needing improvement and I was going to tackle them. Now I have no motivation at all. I keep joking around that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. The bad thing is…. I’m not exactly joking. I looked it up, and it pretty much describes how I feel:
"Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter….I really want to write. I just feel like I can’t make myself do anything other than what is absolutely necessary to make it through each day. I get up in the morning after hitting my snooze button way too many times. I try to work out, but I usually can’t get out of bed early enough. I get ready. I got to work. I spend the day trying to focus and get enough done that I’m not too far behind. I drive home. I eat dinner. I try to muster the energy to play with the boys for a little while. I fall asleep on the couch after the boys are tucked in. Ryan wakes me up and makes me go to bed. I'm such an inspiring person!
Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder."
And I really do blame all of this on winter. I know people have all those annoying clichés about attitude and positive thinking, but none of them help me. And don’t even get me started on being glad that I’m not as bad off as some other people. In my opinion, focusing on the misfortune of other human beings is a terrible and stupid way to try to feel better. Just thinking about someone suggesting that pisses me off.
I really don’t know what to do. I am so freakin sick of looking out the window and seeing gray skies and patches of snow partially melted into the mud from the one day recently it actually got above freezing. I’m sick of going in to the office day-after-day and sitting there with all the other depressed and grumpy people who are also sick of cold and gray and snow and stupid winter. I’m sick of feeling like everything is imploding there and no amount of effort or hard work from me can do anything to stop it. I’m sick of feeling like my life has been derailed by the most horrible of all seasons.
I think I’m just sick.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Please Come Back
I know I promised no more posts complaining about the weather. So this is a post about my longing for Summer. I miss wearing dresses and heels to work. I miss wearing knit dresses and flip-flops at home. I miss the long evenings where we can play outside with the boys after dinner. I miss taking walks. I miss feeling the grass on my bare feet. I miss open windows.
I miss Summer so much that it is almost physically painful. I sit at my desk and wish for the sun reflecting off the side of the building behind me to illuminate my cube. I sit at our dining room table and look at the trees behind the house and wish they were green with leaves.
I have lived in the Midwest all my life. When I was younger, there were fun things to look forward to about each season. The more time that passes, the more I love Summer. I also love the end of Spring and the beginning of Fall, when the weather is Summer-like. There is that old cliche' about absence making the heart grow fonder. In this case, I can assure you I would be much more fond of Summer if it didn't stay away so long.
I miss Summer so much that it is almost physically painful. I sit at my desk and wish for the sun reflecting off the side of the building behind me to illuminate my cube. I sit at our dining room table and look at the trees behind the house and wish they were green with leaves.
I have lived in the Midwest all my life. When I was younger, there were fun things to look forward to about each season. The more time that passes, the more I love Summer. I also love the end of Spring and the beginning of Fall, when the weather is Summer-like. There is that old cliche' about absence making the heart grow fonder. In this case, I can assure you I would be much more fond of Summer if it didn't stay away so long.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I Rest My Case
I know I have been a little harsh on Winter this month. I mean, he totally deserves it, but I thought maybe I should give some sort of explanation for my hatred. I've sorted through my long list of reasons, and decided the best explanation is that Winter combines two of my deepest hates into a terrible 5-6 month ordeal: being cold and dress pants. I know I addressed my hate for dress pants in this previous post and several of my other old posts address how much I hate being cold. I've also said how much I love summer and dresses way back here.
I work in an office where the attire is 'business casual.' I know there seems to be a lot of variation among what people consider business casual, but I take that to mean I should dress up more than my weekend attire of comfy jeans and a hoodie. For a non-fashionista such as myself, dresses are perfect for business casual. Dresses allow me to look put-together without any of the laboring over what shirt is the right color, cut, and style to go with what pants. Well, in winter, it is really too cold to wear dresses most of the time. Sometimes you get lucky with a not-too-frigid day and can wear a dress or skirt with tights and tall boots, but for the most part no. For the most part, a girl in a business casual workplace in the Midwest must wear the dreaded dress pants.
Dress pants are so terrible. Inexpensive ones pill up and stretch out to the point that you look like you're wearing knobby jockey pants, bagging all around your butt and hips. Nice ones are very expensive, but they stretch out a little too (not as much, but still!). I try to buy my dress pants on clearance at nicer stores, but they still set me back at least $35. That is a lot of money for an article of clothing I don't even like!
Then there is the problem of what size to purchase. I'm 5'3". That makes me too tall for petite sizes unless I am going to wear ballet flats. Did I mention I'm 5'3"? I don't own any ballet flats. But regular sizes are made for women who are at least 5'8". They are usually too long for me, even wearing my tallest heels. That means I either have to pay to have them altered (making them cost more money) or I have to try to hem them myself (which I have tried with varying degrees of success). Ugh.
So, I'm kinda screwed on the length. There's nothing I can really do about that. Size is something else. I put on the size that fits at the store and it looks okay. But I know that if I buy that size, by the third time I wear the pants, they will be trying to fall off my hips. However, if I buy the next-size-down, they are pretty tight. Tight enough that the first few times I wear them, I will be self-conscious about just how tight they are. Yet, I'm always concerned that I will buy the tighter pair and they won't stretch and I'll be stuck with tight pants that I feel weird wearing in public. See why I hate dress pants?
I think I've covered the being cold thing pretty well in my most recent winter posts. I do think it is physically painful to be cold and I hate it. And I have to wear dress pants to work in the winter to try to prevent myself from being that cold and feeling that pain. And the cycle continues. As I said before, there are a lot of other reasons why I hate winter, but dress pants and being cold were the two that won out for writing's sake. I will try not to complain any more about winter on my blog (this month). I think I've provided a good argument and offered some insight into my insanity. I rest my case.
I work in an office where the attire is 'business casual.' I know there seems to be a lot of variation among what people consider business casual, but I take that to mean I should dress up more than my weekend attire of comfy jeans and a hoodie. For a non-fashionista such as myself, dresses are perfect for business casual. Dresses allow me to look put-together without any of the laboring over what shirt is the right color, cut, and style to go with what pants. Well, in winter, it is really too cold to wear dresses most of the time. Sometimes you get lucky with a not-too-frigid day and can wear a dress or skirt with tights and tall boots, but for the most part no. For the most part, a girl in a business casual workplace in the Midwest must wear the dreaded dress pants.
Dress pants are so terrible. Inexpensive ones pill up and stretch out to the point that you look like you're wearing knobby jockey pants, bagging all around your butt and hips. Nice ones are very expensive, but they stretch out a little too (not as much, but still!). I try to buy my dress pants on clearance at nicer stores, but they still set me back at least $35. That is a lot of money for an article of clothing I don't even like!
Then there is the problem of what size to purchase. I'm 5'3". That makes me too tall for petite sizes unless I am going to wear ballet flats. Did I mention I'm 5'3"? I don't own any ballet flats. But regular sizes are made for women who are at least 5'8". They are usually too long for me, even wearing my tallest heels. That means I either have to pay to have them altered (making them cost more money) or I have to try to hem them myself (which I have tried with varying degrees of success). Ugh.
So, I'm kinda screwed on the length. There's nothing I can really do about that. Size is something else. I put on the size that fits at the store and it looks okay. But I know that if I buy that size, by the third time I wear the pants, they will be trying to fall off my hips. However, if I buy the next-size-down, they are pretty tight. Tight enough that the first few times I wear them, I will be self-conscious about just how tight they are. Yet, I'm always concerned that I will buy the tighter pair and they won't stretch and I'll be stuck with tight pants that I feel weird wearing in public. See why I hate dress pants?
I think I've covered the being cold thing pretty well in my most recent winter posts. I do think it is physically painful to be cold and I hate it. And I have to wear dress pants to work in the winter to try to prevent myself from being that cold and feeling that pain. And the cycle continues. As I said before, there are a lot of other reasons why I hate winter, but dress pants and being cold were the two that won out for writing's sake. I will try not to complain any more about winter on my blog (this month). I think I've provided a good argument and offered some insight into my insanity. I rest my case.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
So Over You
Okay, Winter. I am over you. I've never really liked you to begin with, but you with your January and your frigid temperatures, well, it's just too much for me. And knowing that after January you probably have another three miserable months up your sleeve.... I just can't take it. This thing we have going on now is slowly killing my soul. I hate your bitter cold and your dreariness and how you always ruin my plans with your bad weather.
I'm done. I'm over you. I can't tolerate the feeling I get just thinking about you. I know you have a few warm-ish, sunny days planned to try to placate me, but it won't work. I just know that some other season can make me so much happier than you can. I refuse to have anything else to do with you. I am so over you. Please just go away and let me be happy.
I'm done. I'm over you. I can't tolerate the feeling I get just thinking about you. I know you have a few warm-ish, sunny days planned to try to placate me, but it won't work. I just know that some other season can make me so much happier than you can. I refuse to have anything else to do with you. I am so over you. Please just go away and let me be happy.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Seasons
Spring, summer, and fall fill us with hope; winter alone reminds us of the human condition.
-Mignon McLaughlin
I've been thinking a lot about seasons. Partly because we are in the miserable midst of my least favorite season, but also because of how much things always change. I don't think I'm ready to fully explore this topic in my blog, but it is something that has been on my mind a lot the last few weeks. There are some things that are so important to do or experience for a while, but then you realize you are overstaying your welcome and it is time to move on. Sometimes the moving on is easier than at other times, but trying to stay in a season when it is over can cause you more heartache than it's worth.
I think that even in the things that are consistent in our lives, we experience seasons. In a new relationship or new friendship, you want to spend a lot of time talking and getting to know that person. You want to know all about them -- how they approach life, their memories, their quirks, their strengths, and their weaknesses. But as the relationship matures, you move past that foundational season. If it is a lasting relationship, you've already spent the time energy to create the basis from which future interactions will grow.
In a way this is comforting, but it can also be disconcerting until you learn to trust that the foundation you've established will be able to withstand the move to a new season. Sometimes it can't, and you have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship was only for a season. But when your relationship proves that it can withstand a transition, you can begin to add new dimensions to it that will only enrich it over time.
I do have more on this, but I'm still working it out for my self. When I'm ready, I'll post more, but this is what I have for now.
-Mignon McLaughlin
I've been thinking a lot about seasons. Partly because we are in the miserable midst of my least favorite season, but also because of how much things always change. I don't think I'm ready to fully explore this topic in my blog, but it is something that has been on my mind a lot the last few weeks. There are some things that are so important to do or experience for a while, but then you realize you are overstaying your welcome and it is time to move on. Sometimes the moving on is easier than at other times, but trying to stay in a season when it is over can cause you more heartache than it's worth.
I think that even in the things that are consistent in our lives, we experience seasons. In a new relationship or new friendship, you want to spend a lot of time talking and getting to know that person. You want to know all about them -- how they approach life, their memories, their quirks, their strengths, and their weaknesses. But as the relationship matures, you move past that foundational season. If it is a lasting relationship, you've already spent the time energy to create the basis from which future interactions will grow.
In a way this is comforting, but it can also be disconcerting until you learn to trust that the foundation you've established will be able to withstand the move to a new season. Sometimes it can't, and you have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship was only for a season. But when your relationship proves that it can withstand a transition, you can begin to add new dimensions to it that will only enrich it over time.
I do have more on this, but I'm still working it out for my self. When I'm ready, I'll post more, but this is what I have for now.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Winter, How I Hate You
I have a very busy day today. And I have to go out in the cold. Again.
So, another poem for now. The music post will have to wait.
I will not mask
my bitter disdain.
Your chill engulfs
my every pore
and makes my
skin writhe in pain.
Each abbreviated day
hastens me to madness
and I despise your
endless nights.
How wretched you are,
earth's white sanctuary.
So, another poem for now. The music post will have to wait.
I will not mask
my bitter disdain.
Your chill engulfs
my every pore
and makes my
skin writhe in pain.
Each abbreviated day
hastens me to madness
and I despise your
endless nights.
How wretched you are,
earth's white sanctuary.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Peripheral
Sometimes we just lose things along the way. Maybe more important things take the place of those things. Maybe we block them out. Maybe we are careless and forget. I wish I knew so I could prevent it at will, because it seems like I've somehow lost my ability to write. Okay, I am writing right now. I'm typing and words are forming on the screen, but I don't want to just write. I want to write something good. Something meaningful or witty or amusing or insightful. I've been trying, but it's not happening. Somewhere in all my working like a crazy person to meet deadlines and worrying about sick kids and sadness over co-workers losing their jobs and lots of other things I won't list out here, I lost it. I hope I find it again soon, because this is getting pretty darn frustrating.
On a completely random and unrelated note, it was an amazingly beautiful day today. Sunny and crisp and almost 70 degrees. If I had only one wish (after wishing for a million more wishes, of course) I would wish that all of winter in Ohio would be like today. Except for maybe the week of Christmas, which could be 30 and sunny and snowy. I think many things would be much improved with more days like today between October 1st and springtime. Maybe I could even find some inspiration for writing. *sigh*
So here is one poem I've managed to come up with. I'm not happy with it, but I need to get back to posting some poetry. Here ya go:
My eyes keep shifting.
Not shifty.
Just shifting to
look at something
previously marginalized
but now screaming
for attention.
Something
formerly peripheral.
Now I see it
in focus.
On a completely random and unrelated note, it was an amazingly beautiful day today. Sunny and crisp and almost 70 degrees. If I had only one wish (after wishing for a million more wishes, of course) I would wish that all of winter in Ohio would be like today. Except for maybe the week of Christmas, which could be 30 and sunny and snowy. I think many things would be much improved with more days like today between October 1st and springtime. Maybe I could even find some inspiration for writing. *sigh*
So here is one poem I've managed to come up with. I'm not happy with it, but I need to get back to posting some poetry. Here ya go:
My eyes keep shifting.
Not shifty.
Just shifting to
look at something
previously marginalized
but now screaming
for attention.
Something
formerly peripheral.
Now I see it
in focus.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Ink Smears
Ink smears, as thoughts sometimes do. -Emme Woodhull-Bäche
Since my posts have been either heavy or whiny (or both) lately, I thought I'd try something else for a change. My thoughts are random and often smear together (I really love that quote) into something that makes sense only to me, but I guess if you're reading this you know that already and don't mind translating it out for yourself. So here are some ramblings about the crazy weather and a poem I wrote a few weeks back.
Yes, I love summer and hate that it is gone for the year and that soon the stupid Ohio cold will take over for the next six months. But I'm trying to look on the bright side. I do love coming home from work and having a warm fire blazing in the fire place as the boys race up and scream "Mommy's home!" and give me hugs and kisses. I always love that welcome, but something about the warmth of the fire makes it even more welcoming. I do love the holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and family traditions. I love nights snuggled on the couch watching movies or reading a book and not feeling the least bit guilty that I didn't get outside and do something... since the weather was too terrible to get out in. As much as it pains at me to admit it, there are a few things I.... don't hate about winter. I'm going to try to remember those things in the coming months.
Here is my poem. I was thinking I would have plenty of "Fall" time left to post it, but we kind of went from the coolest Summer on record straight to late fall/early winter. Since we are now in the middle of three semi-fall days, I'll post it now.
I can feel Fall creeping in,
but I still have the window open.
If only shutting it could stave off
the impending autumn.
Sitting here,
listening to the crickets
and frogs
and clinging
to the last
remnants of Summer.
I feel the passage
of time more strongly
as the life that
overflows in Summer
fades and floats away
in the brisk wind.
Since my posts have been either heavy or whiny (or both) lately, I thought I'd try something else for a change. My thoughts are random and often smear together (I really love that quote) into something that makes sense only to me, but I guess if you're reading this you know that already and don't mind translating it out for yourself. So here are some ramblings about the crazy weather and a poem I wrote a few weeks back.
Yes, I love summer and hate that it is gone for the year and that soon the stupid Ohio cold will take over for the next six months. But I'm trying to look on the bright side. I do love coming home from work and having a warm fire blazing in the fire place as the boys race up and scream "Mommy's home!" and give me hugs and kisses. I always love that welcome, but something about the warmth of the fire makes it even more welcoming. I do love the holidays. I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and family traditions. I love nights snuggled on the couch watching movies or reading a book and not feeling the least bit guilty that I didn't get outside and do something... since the weather was too terrible to get out in. As much as it pains at me to admit it, there are a few things I.... don't hate about winter. I'm going to try to remember those things in the coming months.
Here is my poem. I was thinking I would have plenty of "Fall" time left to post it, but we kind of went from the coolest Summer on record straight to late fall/early winter. Since we are now in the middle of three semi-fall days, I'll post it now.
I can feel Fall creeping in,
but I still have the window open.
If only shutting it could stave off
the impending autumn.
Sitting here,
listening to the crickets
and frogs
and clinging
to the last
remnants of Summer.
I feel the passage
of time more strongly
as the life that
overflows in Summer
fades and floats away
in the brisk wind.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Fall, Fall, Go Away
Ah..... Fall. The time of year loved by so many. Sure, it is tempting to love the beautiful Fall colors and the crisp, blue sky. But, if you are a Fall allergy sufferer like I am, you dread when the wonderful heat and humidity of Summertime gives way to the full-blown mold and spore bonanza that is Fall.
I feel terrible. My brain has turned to snot and is slowly leaking down the back of my throat. That is the only explanation I can come up with for what is happening, because I have no other idea of where all this drainage could be coming from. I mean, really. What else is up there in your head other than your brain and a couple of eyeballs? I can still see my eyes where they belong so it can't be those. With a snot-brain, I obviously cannot think clearly. It takes me twice as long to answer a question or do anything that requires mental effort, because snot cannot process thought nearly as well as brain matter.
I've tried taking medication, but everything I've tried so far only partially relieves the symptoms or leaves me incapacitated. Regular sinus meds slow the leaking, but leave me with the sneezing and the itchy face and nose. The allergy meds make it impossible for me to stay awake and provide a strange, blurring, special-effect to all my movements. I'm not sure why it is okay for them to say 'non-drowsy' on the box when whatever is in there are basically NyQuil in pill form. Maybe they just meant they weren't drowsy when they manufactured the product?
In any case, I am longing for the days of summer when I could breathe and function and live un-medicated. I really hate to say it, but I am not even dreading the coming winter with the same intensity I usually do, in hopes that its arrival will be accompanied by relief. I really hate feeling as though I can't even do the things I need to do because I have no brain and my head is going to explode at any minute. I hate that I have not been able to carry on a decent conversation in at least a week and that I am now even more behind on replying to emails and keeping up with friends because of my current condition. I hate that I actually still have work to do tonight, but that I don't know if I will be able to do it because I can't focus on anything for more than 3 minutes at a time.
I suppose I should go make an attempt to finish that work. If this is my final post it is probably because the last of my brain disappeared down the back of my throat and I no longer have the capacity to write. That or I've gone in to hibernation until next Summer.
I feel terrible. My brain has turned to snot and is slowly leaking down the back of my throat. That is the only explanation I can come up with for what is happening, because I have no other idea of where all this drainage could be coming from. I mean, really. What else is up there in your head other than your brain and a couple of eyeballs? I can still see my eyes where they belong so it can't be those. With a snot-brain, I obviously cannot think clearly. It takes me twice as long to answer a question or do anything that requires mental effort, because snot cannot process thought nearly as well as brain matter.
I've tried taking medication, but everything I've tried so far only partially relieves the symptoms or leaves me incapacitated. Regular sinus meds slow the leaking, but leave me with the sneezing and the itchy face and nose. The allergy meds make it impossible for me to stay awake and provide a strange, blurring, special-effect to all my movements. I'm not sure why it is okay for them to say 'non-drowsy' on the box when whatever is in there are basically NyQuil in pill form. Maybe they just meant they weren't drowsy when they manufactured the product?
In any case, I am longing for the days of summer when I could breathe and function and live un-medicated. I really hate to say it, but I am not even dreading the coming winter with the same intensity I usually do, in hopes that its arrival will be accompanied by relief. I really hate feeling as though I can't even do the things I need to do because I have no brain and my head is going to explode at any minute. I hate that I have not been able to carry on a decent conversation in at least a week and that I am now even more behind on replying to emails and keeping up with friends because of my current condition. I hate that I actually still have work to do tonight, but that I don't know if I will be able to do it because I can't focus on anything for more than 3 minutes at a time.
I suppose I should go make an attempt to finish that work. If this is my final post it is probably because the last of my brain disappeared down the back of my throat and I no longer have the capacity to write. That or I've gone in to hibernation until next Summer.
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