Lately I've been feeling extremely discontent. Like I'm coming apart. As though I'm watching myself unravel and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's quite disconcerting. I really feel as though there is something wrong with me. 'Unravel' is the best word I can find to describe it. When I find a word I like that seems to perfectly describe something, I like to look it up and see if it has other meanings I wasn't aware of or had forgotten. Unravel is my perfect word right now.
un·rav·el [ un rávv'l ] (past and past participle un·rav·eled, present participle un·rav·el·ing, 3rd person present singular un·rav·els)
1. transitive and intransitive verb: undo knitted strands, or become undone: to undo the knitted or woven yarn, thread, or other strands of something, or become undone by having the strands come apart
2. transitive and intransitive verb become or make something understandable: to make the complexities of something clear and understandable, or become clear and understandable
I am a reasonably intelligent person. Not genius or anything, but smart enough to do well in school despite holding down two or three jobs at a time and volunteering and spending time with friends. I've managed to get decent jobs since I graduated, some impressive (but ultimately meaningless) certifications at work that require passing difficult tests, and I think most people who know me would say 'yes' if asked if they think I'm smart.
But, for the first time I can remember, I feel not smart. I feel like I've missed something really important and I hate (yes, hate) the thought of it. At what point did I start just making decisions and not asking myself a million questions first? For example, when I stopped going to church after college, I had decided that there were things involved in going to church that I didn't want to be part of my life. I didn't want to judge people and treat them badly because they didn't live up to my ideals. I didn't want to be narrow-minded or fake or hypocritical. Looking back, it's as though I said to myself, "Great. I have it figured out. I will just not be those things."
And since then it's like I've just been coasting. Yes, I've been reading my Bible and other books and started going to church again. But I've also been making decisions about this or that based on how I feel and trying to not be the things I don't want to be. I'm not sure how I was okay with that. Not to make excuses, but I guess I was just so busy with life and being an employee and then a wife and then a mom that I completely overlooked many of the questions I should be asking myself about the things I do. Well... no longer. I might be unraveling in the sense that I feel like I'm coming apart, but I am not going to continue that way. I'm making an intentional effort to unravel the complexities of my life, faith, and decisions into something clear and understandable. And I am going to work on becoming clear and understandable in my conversations.
I Peter 3:15 &16 reads, "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience..." It is unacceptable to me if I can't give an understandable answer for the things I do, in regards to my faith and otherwise. Yes, it may be difficult for me to talk to someone in person without seeming like a complete dork, but that doesn't mean I can just hide behind that excuse and resign myself to being unable to communicate effectively. It will take practice and determination, but I'm hoping it will be worth it. I'm going to keep unraveling until I make sense.