Tuesday, October 16, 2012

No More Wading

One thing that I find interesting about writing a blog is being able to look back at my posts from a few years ago and see where I was then.  In some ways it is depressing, because I feel like I used  to be a pretty decent writer and that somewhere along the way I lost my muse or my voice.  (Or maybe I just thought I was better back then?)  Yet, in other ways, it is a good reminder that I'm not floundering and I haven't gotten stuck in one place. 

I happened on this post from June 2009, and I'm reposting it below as a reminder to myself.  This song came to mind a couple weeks ago.  I remembered that I had posted some of the lyrics here way back so I went looking for that post.   When I read what I wrote in the last paragraph, I was overwhelmed.  I certainly haven't mastered swimming, but.... yeah.  I sure have come a long way.  I barely remember what wading feels like.

(Caedmon's Call, on their 1997 self-titled release.)

When I'm cold and alone
All I want is my freedom
and a sudden gust of gravity.

I stop wailing and kicking
Just to let this water cover me, cover me.

Only if I rest my arms, rest my mind,
You'll overcome me
and swell up around me.

With my fighting so vain,
With my vanity so fought,
I'm rolling over....

All the time I'm thinking,
Wondering how it would be
to breathe in deep.

I guess I need to be careful
when I ask for a drink
(Just might get what I ask for).

And I know just what
You'd say to me,
That's why I don't ask You.

What would I ask You?

An awful lot of talking,
I don't leave You much to say;

You didn't ever leave me-
And my greatest fear was
You'd leave me here.

A long time back
my feet could touch the bottom.

It probably makes more sense if you listen to the song, but I think it has some really great lines. I especially love the last line.

This song, and especially that last line, describes how I feel right now. Just a few months ago, my feet touched the bottom, but now I mostly forget what that feels like. I don't think that, had someone asked me back then, I would have said that I had everything figured out. I'm smart enough to know I never have. But I think that looking back, I felt I had enough figured out. That I knew what was going on and that I knew what I thought about most things. Now I'm exploring and thinking and mulling over and trying to swim. Despite that it is unfamiliar, it's much better than just wading in.

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