Unsettled

There is something about this time of year that makes me acutely aware of the passage of time and leaves me feeling unsettled.  Perhaps it is because my birthday is in October or perhaps it is because it feels like once November is so close on the horizon the remainder of the year zooms by in a holiday-fueled rush.  Whatever it is, I find this the most agitating time of year.

Southwestern Ohio weather has a tendency to be completely crazy in any season, but something about the utter fickleness of Autumn here makes me feel off-balance.  The leaves begin to turn and the wind kicks up and I start to feel like something I can't put my finger on has disconcerted my soul and an unprovoked unease has crept into my heart.  I can't stop myself from continually taking stock of everything in my life and wondering what I should be doing differently.

I am not one of those women you read about who are caught up in the having-it-all trap.  I do not think I have to have it all, do it all, or be it all.  I actually spend a lot of time doing nothing at all worth mentioning.  This isn't to say I've reached some praise-worthy level of enlightenment, it simply speaks more to the fact that I've accepted the way my brain is wired and I feel completely fine leaving "it all" to others. I'm an introvert and I spend a lot of time at home.  My natural state is not one of worrying if I'm getting ahead in life.

But when Autumn blows in, I can feel myself withdrawing from people even more than usual.  I get mentally exhausted from my efforts to inventory what I do and why I do it and where I need to focus efforts to improve.  I find myself feeling like I'm constantly being interrupted, only to realize all I was doing was thinking and no actual interruption occurred other than normal life happening around me.  It seems like I'm running out of time, like I should have more figured out, like I would give anything for life to have a pause button to allow me to get my shit together before proceeding.

But there is no such luxury and not much else I can do but plod on and wait to regain my balance.  Lately I have been trying to focus more on the people around me and do my best to quiet my mind and give them my full attention throughout the day.  It's not much, but it is something to pull me back to reality when my mind is racing and my heart is overwhelmed.