O come, O Come Thou Day-spring bright
Pour on our souls Thy healing light
Dispel the long night's lingering gloom
And pierce the shadows of the tomb
- From 'O Come, O Come Emmanuel,' origin unknown
Every year I dread when the days turn cold. The weight of darkness seems to increase as the daylight hours decrease. The chill and the gloom close in all around, and even inhaling deeply or lifting my eyes to look for beauty seems difficult.
Everything feels too heavy. Everything feels too cold. Everything feels too dark.
Yet in this, my first year observing Advent, there is a barely perceptible shift. I can sense moments of peace when I call to mind that I am intentionally observing this low time—that I've embraced this waiting in the dark, this participation in an age-old and sacred longing.
I am merely one of multitudes who have defied the gloom and shadows with hopeful expectation.
Being present to this yearning does not make me continually cheerful or warm or bright, but it does increase my awareness of the presence of Hope. I know Hope is pressing in close, right along with the heaviness and the chill and the darkness.
This Hope calls to mind the love and compassion of God. This Hope whispers reassurance that the darkness will not consume.
Hope waits with us, unfailing, as we anticipate the moment when Divine Light pierces the darkness and heals our souls with Love.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
Lamentations 3: 21-26
Showing posts with label Lyrics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lyrics. Show all posts
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
No More Wading
One thing that I find interesting about writing a blog is being able to look back at my posts from a few years ago and see where I was then. In some ways it is depressing, because I feel like I used to be a pretty decent writer and that somewhere along the way I lost my muse or my voice. (Or maybe I just thought I was better back then?) Yet, in other ways, it is a good reminder that I'm not floundering and I haven't gotten stuck in one place.
I happened on this post from June 2009, and I'm reposting it below as a reminder to myself. This song came to mind a couple weeks ago. I remembered that I had posted some of the lyrics here way back so I went looking for that post. When I read what I wrote in the last paragraph, I was overwhelmed. I certainly haven't mastered swimming, but.... yeah. I sure have come a long way. I barely remember what wading feels like.
CLOSE OF AUTUMN
(Caedmon's Call, on their 1997 self-titled release.)
When I'm cold and alone
All I want is my freedom
and a sudden gust of gravity.
I stop wailing and kicking
Just to let this water cover me, cover me.
Only if I rest my arms, rest my mind,
You'll overcome me
and swell up around me.
With my fighting so vain,
With my vanity so fought,
I'm rolling over....
All the time I'm thinking,
Wondering how it would be
to breathe in deep.
I guess I need to be careful
when I ask for a drink
(Just might get what I ask for).
And I know just what
You'd say to me,
That's why I don't ask You.
What would I ask You?
An awful lot of talking,
I don't leave You much to say;
You didn't ever leave me-
And my greatest fear was
You'd leave me here.
A long time back
my feet could touch the bottom.
It probably makes more sense if you listen to the song, but I think it has some really great lines. I especially love the last line.
This song, and especially that last line, describes how I feel right now. Just a few months ago, my feet touched the bottom, but now I mostly forget what that feels like. I don't think that, had someone asked me back then, I would have said that I had everything figured out. I'm smart enough to know I never have. But I think that looking back, I felt I had enough figured out. That I knew what was going on and that I knew what I thought about most things. Now I'm exploring and thinking and mulling over and trying to swim. Despite that it is unfamiliar, it's much better than just wading in.
I happened on this post from June 2009, and I'm reposting it below as a reminder to myself. This song came to mind a couple weeks ago. I remembered that I had posted some of the lyrics here way back so I went looking for that post. When I read what I wrote in the last paragraph, I was overwhelmed. I certainly haven't mastered swimming, but.... yeah. I sure have come a long way. I barely remember what wading feels like.
CLOSE OF AUTUMN
(Caedmon's Call, on their 1997 self-titled release.)
When I'm cold and alone
All I want is my freedom
and a sudden gust of gravity.
I stop wailing and kicking
Just to let this water cover me, cover me.
Only if I rest my arms, rest my mind,
You'll overcome me
and swell up around me.
With my fighting so vain,
With my vanity so fought,
I'm rolling over....
All the time I'm thinking,
Wondering how it would be
to breathe in deep.
I guess I need to be careful
when I ask for a drink
(Just might get what I ask for).
And I know just what
You'd say to me,
That's why I don't ask You.
What would I ask You?
An awful lot of talking,
I don't leave You much to say;
You didn't ever leave me-
And my greatest fear was
You'd leave me here.
A long time back
my feet could touch the bottom.
It probably makes more sense if you listen to the song, but I think it has some really great lines. I especially love the last line.
This song, and especially that last line, describes how I feel right now. Just a few months ago, my feet touched the bottom, but now I mostly forget what that feels like. I don't think that, had someone asked me back then, I would have said that I had everything figured out. I'm smart enough to know I never have. But I think that looking back, I felt I had enough figured out. That I knew what was going on and that I knew what I thought about most things. Now I'm exploring and thinking and mulling over and trying to swim. Despite that it is unfamiliar, it's much better than just wading in.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
There's No Day Better Than Today
"tomorrow you will know there’s no day better than today
we don’t see how lucky these days are til they go away
til these days go away"
- Ingrid Michaelson
(If it will work, you should go here and click "play" and try to listen to the entire song. It's the only place I could find it.)
"I will shoot you with my massive lasers." - Owen
"O-WEN!" - Luke (About 80 times a day.)
"Mom! The baby learned to fly!" Owen (Don't worry. It was a Hero Factory baby.)
"When I grow up, I'm going to drive a Mustang. A green one." - Luke
"Look at my cool outsuit." - Owen
"Owen, it's 'outfit,' not outsuit." - Luke
"Oh. Yeah. I love to play basketball and I'm really good at it." - Owen
"Really? Can you dunk?" - Luke
"What's a dunk?" - Owen
"Why is it called 'Lady and the Tramp'? Does it have a tramp?" - Luke
"Um, what's a tramp?" - Owen
"I don't know. Mom? What's a tramp?" - Luke
"When I grow up, I'm going to be an architect." - Luke
"Yeah, and when I grow up, I'm going to be a storm chaser." - Owen
These are just a few of the things I've heard my kids say over the past weekends we've been trapped together. The one-car thing is still a huge pain and I think that by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around the boys and I are starting to go a little stir-crazy. It's a lot of togetherness with almost no breaks or distractions. For all of us.
There are times when they get really loud and fight with each other and it is all I can do to not go crazy. There are times I feel like I've reminded them a billion times in one day to use their manners or pick something up or follow the house rules and I end up yelling and feeling like a total mom-failure. But there are other times, when I'm sitting between them on the couch, reading while they watch one of their shows and they are all snuggled up to me, that it's not so bad at all. And the other day we were blasting "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz and dancing around all silly and I actually thought that maybe I don't suck at this whole mom thing as much as I thought.
But when I think of those rare, almost magical mom-kid moments, I can't help but wondering what life will be like in 10 years. Will they totally despise being around me when they are sixteen and almost fifteen? Will they shut me out completely to the point that I feel like I don't even know them? When I think about that, it makes the times when we are stuck at home together, but having so much fun, seem even more valuable. Just thinking there will be a day when they not only don't need me, but don't want me around either, makes me want to capture these times and make sure I never forget them so I always have them to look back on.
I know I've said it before that I am not one of those parents who wants to keep my kids little and hates the thought of them growing up. I love seeing the new things they learn and the new stages they reach. It isn't about wanting to freeze time or not wanting to embrace the future. I certainly hope there are better days ahead than a lot of the days I've had lately, but at the risk of sounding ridiculously sappy (especially for die-hard realist who rolls her eyes at anything overly optimistic), I think what this song reminded me is about noticing the good and the love in some of these "todays." Not taking the good times for granted. I don't know if tomorrow will be better or worse. I need to capture whatever I like about today and remember how lucky it is when there is anything good.
we don’t see how lucky these days are til they go away
til these days go away"
- Ingrid Michaelson
(If it will work, you should go here and click "play" and try to listen to the entire song. It's the only place I could find it.)
"I will shoot you with my massive lasers." - Owen
"O-WEN!" - Luke (About 80 times a day.)
"Mom! The baby learned to fly!" Owen (Don't worry. It was a Hero Factory baby.)
"When I grow up, I'm going to drive a Mustang. A green one." - Luke
"Look at my cool outsuit." - Owen
"Owen, it's 'outfit,' not outsuit." - Luke
"Oh. Yeah. I love to play basketball and I'm really good at it." - Owen
"Really? Can you dunk?" - Luke
"What's a dunk?" - Owen
"Why is it called 'Lady and the Tramp'? Does it have a tramp?" - Luke
"Um, what's a tramp?" - Owen
"I don't know. Mom? What's a tramp?" - Luke
"When I grow up, I'm going to be an architect." - Luke
"Yeah, and when I grow up, I'm going to be a storm chaser." - Owen
These are just a few of the things I've heard my kids say over the past weekends we've been trapped together. The one-car thing is still a huge pain and I think that by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around the boys and I are starting to go a little stir-crazy. It's a lot of togetherness with almost no breaks or distractions. For all of us.
There are times when they get really loud and fight with each other and it is all I can do to not go crazy. There are times I feel like I've reminded them a billion times in one day to use their manners or pick something up or follow the house rules and I end up yelling and feeling like a total mom-failure. But there are other times, when I'm sitting between them on the couch, reading while they watch one of their shows and they are all snuggled up to me, that it's not so bad at all. And the other day we were blasting "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz and dancing around all silly and I actually thought that maybe I don't suck at this whole mom thing as much as I thought.
But when I think of those rare, almost magical mom-kid moments, I can't help but wondering what life will be like in 10 years. Will they totally despise being around me when they are sixteen and almost fifteen? Will they shut me out completely to the point that I feel like I don't even know them? When I think about that, it makes the times when we are stuck at home together, but having so much fun, seem even more valuable. Just thinking there will be a day when they not only don't need me, but don't want me around either, makes me want to capture these times and make sure I never forget them so I always have them to look back on.
I know I've said it before that I am not one of those parents who wants to keep my kids little and hates the thought of them growing up. I love seeing the new things they learn and the new stages they reach. It isn't about wanting to freeze time or not wanting to embrace the future. I certainly hope there are better days ahead than a lot of the days I've had lately, but at the risk of sounding ridiculously sappy (especially for die-hard realist who rolls her eyes at anything overly optimistic), I think what this song reminded me is about noticing the good and the love in some of these "todays." Not taking the good times for granted. I don't know if tomorrow will be better or worse. I need to capture whatever I like about today and remember how lucky it is when there is anything good.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Guilt. And Green Day. And Guilt.
I remember when I was growing up and the only music my sisters and I were allowed to listen to was Christian music. I was reminded of this when a friend sent me a link to this article. It is a great article and worth the read, but this post isn't exactly about Christian music. It's more about growing up in a conservative, right-wing (which I hilariously just typo'd as "fright-wing"), Focus-on-the-Family environment. And Green Day. Yes, the band.
Throughout my adolescence, I thought my parents were ridiculously strict. They home schooled us and had a lot of rules. All of our activities centered around our church or our homeschooling group. All the people I hung out with were kids from one or both of those groups. And I knew, not even so much from my parents saying it specifically to me, that being a good Christian meant that you were a pro-life Republican who wanted the Ten Commandments, teacher-led prayer, and the Creation story back in public schools. Despite that most of us didn't attend those schools. Good Christians went to youth group or Bible study in-between Sundays and avoided anything "secular," from magazines to music to cartoons.
Somehow, though, around the year I turned sixteen, my parents lightened up.... just a little bit. I wasn't banned from "secular" magazines and music completely. Part of that was probably my parents' good sense in realizing that telling me I couldn't do or see or have any of those things was probably just going to make me want them even more. And, I think at least a little of it was their own naiveté at not realizing just what I was being exposed to. I mean, have you ever perused a copy of SEVENTEEN magazine?
Anyway, that year also happened to be the year that Green Day released their hit single "When I Come Around." I remember sitting my by radio, blank tape in the tape recorder, waiting for it to play as the number one song on the Top 8 at 8 so I could record it and listen to it over and over. Now, I don't think that if my mom had realized that Billie Joe was saying anything about being a "user," she would not have let me listen to it. But she either didn't realize or decided to overlook it.
My favorite part of the song goes:
So go do what you like
Make sure you do it wise
You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing
was ever there
You can't go forcing something if it's just
not right
Now, I realize the song isn't really talking about theology, but humor me. Looking back on it, I have to wonder, was this song the start to the proverbial slippery slope that led me from the way I was raised, to the centrist (okay, borderline Liberal) I am today? Someone who thinks that there are some situations in which I know I couldn't look a woman in the eye and tell her an abortion is not an option for her? Someone who believes that those in the LGBT community are people created by the same God who created me and who should have the same rights as everyone else? Someone who finds the right-wing more than a little scary and who believes we should respect the beliefs of others? I mean, as long as they aren't hurting anyone, shouldn't everyone be given the same freedom of belief that I enjoy and shouldn't they be able to live without having my beliefs jammed constantly down their throats?
I'm not saying that I have it all figured out in everything I think or believe. I'm still learning. I'm still questioning and searching. But I am saying that what I think and believe now is a lot different than it was when I was fifteen. And I also, sometimes, feel guilty about that. Being raised in a culture where a lot of the things I believe now were seen a "wrong" and "un-Christian" is sometimes very conflicting for me. Even when I've looked in the Bible and prayed about something and determined that what I believe about it now is much closer to the things Jesus taught than were the things I was raised thinking, I still have this lingering feeling of guilt for turning my back on what I was taught was "right" for what I was taught was "wrong."
But, in the words of the oh-so-wise Billie Joe, "You can't go forcing something if it's just not right."
I know this post is already really long and I don't know if anyone is still reading it, but all of this has been on my mind so much lately because I don't want my kids to grow up with this kind of baggage around their faith. Certainly, I want them to know what the Bible says and how Jesus said we should treat others. And I do believe there is real wisdom in the Bible that can help them as they grow up and have to make more and more decisions for themselves. But I also don't want them to get to a point where they feel that all I've done is tell them what to think. Nor do I want for them to have to deal with so much guilt when they try to work out for themselves what they believe. Truth is truth, whether it comes from the Bible or a Green Day song. There is no need to feel guilty about recognizing that.
Throughout my adolescence, I thought my parents were ridiculously strict. They home schooled us and had a lot of rules. All of our activities centered around our church or our homeschooling group. All the people I hung out with were kids from one or both of those groups. And I knew, not even so much from my parents saying it specifically to me, that being a good Christian meant that you were a pro-life Republican who wanted the Ten Commandments, teacher-led prayer, and the Creation story back in public schools. Despite that most of us didn't attend those schools. Good Christians went to youth group or Bible study in-between Sundays and avoided anything "secular," from magazines to music to cartoons.
Somehow, though, around the year I turned sixteen, my parents lightened up.... just a little bit. I wasn't banned from "secular" magazines and music completely. Part of that was probably my parents' good sense in realizing that telling me I couldn't do or see or have any of those things was probably just going to make me want them even more. And, I think at least a little of it was their own naiveté at not realizing just what I was being exposed to. I mean, have you ever perused a copy of SEVENTEEN magazine?
Anyway, that year also happened to be the year that Green Day released their hit single "When I Come Around." I remember sitting my by radio, blank tape in the tape recorder, waiting for it to play as the number one song on the Top 8 at 8 so I could record it and listen to it over and over. Now, I don't think that if my mom had realized that Billie Joe was saying anything about being a "user," she would not have let me listen to it. But she either didn't realize or decided to overlook it.
My favorite part of the song goes:
So go do what you like
Make sure you do it wise
You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing
was ever there
You can't go forcing something if it's just
not right
Now, I realize the song isn't really talking about theology, but humor me. Looking back on it, I have to wonder, was this song the start to the proverbial slippery slope that led me from the way I was raised, to the centrist (okay, borderline Liberal) I am today? Someone who thinks that there are some situations in which I know I couldn't look a woman in the eye and tell her an abortion is not an option for her? Someone who believes that those in the LGBT community are people created by the same God who created me and who should have the same rights as everyone else? Someone who finds the right-wing more than a little scary and who believes we should respect the beliefs of others? I mean, as long as they aren't hurting anyone, shouldn't everyone be given the same freedom of belief that I enjoy and shouldn't they be able to live without having my beliefs jammed constantly down their throats?
I'm not saying that I have it all figured out in everything I think or believe. I'm still learning. I'm still questioning and searching. But I am saying that what I think and believe now is a lot different than it was when I was fifteen. And I also, sometimes, feel guilty about that. Being raised in a culture where a lot of the things I believe now were seen a "wrong" and "un-Christian" is sometimes very conflicting for me. Even when I've looked in the Bible and prayed about something and determined that what I believe about it now is much closer to the things Jesus taught than were the things I was raised thinking, I still have this lingering feeling of guilt for turning my back on what I was taught was "right" for what I was taught was "wrong."
But, in the words of the oh-so-wise Billie Joe, "You can't go forcing something if it's just not right."
I know this post is already really long and I don't know if anyone is still reading it, but all of this has been on my mind so much lately because I don't want my kids to grow up with this kind of baggage around their faith. Certainly, I want them to know what the Bible says and how Jesus said we should treat others. And I do believe there is real wisdom in the Bible that can help them as they grow up and have to make more and more decisions for themselves. But I also don't want them to get to a point where they feel that all I've done is tell them what to think. Nor do I want for them to have to deal with so much guilt when they try to work out for themselves what they believe. Truth is truth, whether it comes from the Bible or a Green Day song. There is no need to feel guilty about recognizing that.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Rewind
I am in love with this song. I first heard Diane Birch when she opened for a concert I attended a couple years ago. I went out the next day and bought her CD. Yes, this was before I had an iPod. I'm a late bloomer, technologically speaking.
I hadn't listened to it in a while, but the other day the lines, "How I wanted you here by my side. I know what I said, but I lied...." started going through my head over and over again. So, of course, I dug out my copy of the song and I've listened to it about twenty times since then.
Sadly, I don't have some tragic romance story I can tell you this song brings to mind. I just love her voice and the lyrics and the piano and the mood. She is so lovely and talented. If you like this song, check out her album, Bible Belt. I know musical taste is a very personal thing, but I don't think you'll be disappointed.
I hadn't listened to it in a while, but the other day the lines, "How I wanted you here by my side. I know what I said, but I lied...." started going through my head over and over again. So, of course, I dug out my copy of the song and I've listened to it about twenty times since then.
Sadly, I don't have some tragic romance story I can tell you this song brings to mind. I just love her voice and the lyrics and the piano and the mood. She is so lovely and talented. If you like this song, check out her album, Bible Belt. I know musical taste is a very personal thing, but I don't think you'll be disappointed.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Come on Eileen
It's so funny how songs you don't even like can just stick with you and bring up memories at the oddest times. Tonight I was at happy hour with some friends. The place was really loud so I couldn't hear the music.... until I walked into the ladies room. The speakers in the ladies room were screaming the song "Come on Eileen."
"Come on Eileen, well I swear (what he means) At this moment you mean EV-ER-Y-THING!!....."
Ah, memories. Every single time I hear that song, I'm nineteen again and it's 12 AM and I'm closing at work and trying to finish my tasks while that song is blaring out of the dish washing area. Blaring over and over and over again because whoever is washing dishes gets to choose the music and my friend and co-worker who I closed with a lot at that time always chose that song. I can still see her, soap suds clinging to her forearms, carrying the heavy chili crocks out to put them away while singing under her breath.
The place I worked starting my senior year of high school and on breaks all the way through college was the same place most of my friends worked. Some of my favorite memories from those days were from work. It adds another layer to your friendship to work late, side-by-side, commiserating about lousy tips and annoying customers while mopping and scrubbing crocks. And my friends all having a certain song or band or radio station they always liked to listen to just added another layer to the memories. Whether it was Barenaked Ladies, Aerosmith, "Mickey," or 103.9 The Edge (before Pizza Hut sued them and they became "The X"), I will always associate that music with those friends and that job and those times. And that is not a bad thing, even if I can't stand "Come on Eileen."
"Come on Eileen, well I swear (what he means) At this moment you mean EV-ER-Y-THING!!....."
Ah, memories. Every single time I hear that song, I'm nineteen again and it's 12 AM and I'm closing at work and trying to finish my tasks while that song is blaring out of the dish washing area. Blaring over and over and over again because whoever is washing dishes gets to choose the music and my friend and co-worker who I closed with a lot at that time always chose that song. I can still see her, soap suds clinging to her forearms, carrying the heavy chili crocks out to put them away while singing under her breath.
The place I worked starting my senior year of high school and on breaks all the way through college was the same place most of my friends worked. Some of my favorite memories from those days were from work. It adds another layer to your friendship to work late, side-by-side, commiserating about lousy tips and annoying customers while mopping and scrubbing crocks. And my friends all having a certain song or band or radio station they always liked to listen to just added another layer to the memories. Whether it was Barenaked Ladies, Aerosmith, "Mickey," or 103.9 The Edge (before Pizza Hut sued them and they became "The X"), I will always associate that music with those friends and that job and those times. And that is not a bad thing, even if I can't stand "Come on Eileen."
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Bottle It Up
I don’t claim to know much
except soon as you start
to make room
for the parts
That aren’t you
it gets harder to bloom
in a garden of love love love love
Love Love love love
- Sara Bareilles from the song 'Bottle It Up'
This is a post I've been putting off writing. I really don't want to write it, but I think not writing it is keeping me from writing about other things. Actually, it's not really that I don't want to write it, it's just that I'm not confident that the words I write will come across the way I mean them. I guess that is always part of the issue with words, though. They have a base meaning, but so much goes into how they are understood and interpreted by the people reading or hearing them. I shouldn't let that keep me from writing my words though. Here goes.
Sometimes it is time to go home. Sometimes it is good to have time to recoup and have family around. When I left home for college, coming back home for holidays or summer break was so strange. It was nice to be there with my family and to not have to buy all my own food and to be where people knew me. Only, they didn't completely know me. Independence changes a person. While I was at school, I was completely responsible for myself. I decided when to come and go, when to go to class and or skip, how many jobs to have and what to do with any money left over from buying books and food. When I was at home my parents always wanted to know where I was, who I was with and what I was doing all the time. To them, I was still their little girl. To me, I was grown up. Home was so wonderful and yet, so frustrating.
As strongly as I felt I needed to go back to my home church, I've come to realize recently that the season for being there is over. It is a great church with some really great people there, but as much as it has changed, a lot hasn't. The things that remain the same are not necessarily bad, just things that have shown me it's time to go. I'm not leaving with any ill feelings toward anyone. But just as I knew I couldn't stay at home long-term after college because of how I had changed, I know it is time now for me to move on from my parents' church.
This is mostly why I have been thinking so much about seasons lately. For some reason this topic makes this Sara Bareilles song keep playing in my head. Especially the line "as soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love." I know this means romantic love and relationships, but I think that it applies in a way to many relationships, even with organizations. In order to really grow, I need to be somewhere that challenges me. I need to be somewhere that encourages me to think about things in ways I haven't before and embrace the parts of myself that have questions and are different from the way I was raised. I need to be someplace other than home.
In all this I also have to consider the boys. I know how I was raised and some of the issues I've had to work through as a result of that. I was taught "You should know what you believe and this is what you should believe." What I want for my boys is to be in a place where they are encouraged to determine what they believe and why. I don't want them to study the Bible just so they will know what church people are supposed to know. I want them to study the Bible so they will know what they believe and where those beliefs are founded and to have the freedom to question what they are taught without being considered troublemakers. I'm not saying the things I want for them can't happen staying where we are, but I just feel that there is a better fit for us out there.
This post is getting quite long and I'm not sure I'm even making sense. I'm not sure this is even what I mean, but I really needed to take a stab at getting the thoughts out there. I've started some good friendships at the 'old' church and I certainly plan to continue those. I just pray that wherever we eventually end up, it's a good fit and a place where we can grow.
except soon as you start
to make room
for the parts
That aren’t you
it gets harder to bloom
in a garden of love love love love
Love Love love love
- Sara Bareilles from the song 'Bottle It Up'
This is a post I've been putting off writing. I really don't want to write it, but I think not writing it is keeping me from writing about other things. Actually, it's not really that I don't want to write it, it's just that I'm not confident that the words I write will come across the way I mean them. I guess that is always part of the issue with words, though. They have a base meaning, but so much goes into how they are understood and interpreted by the people reading or hearing them. I shouldn't let that keep me from writing my words though. Here goes.
Sometimes it is time to go home. Sometimes it is good to have time to recoup and have family around. When I left home for college, coming back home for holidays or summer break was so strange. It was nice to be there with my family and to not have to buy all my own food and to be where people knew me. Only, they didn't completely know me. Independence changes a person. While I was at school, I was completely responsible for myself. I decided when to come and go, when to go to class and or skip, how many jobs to have and what to do with any money left over from buying books and food. When I was at home my parents always wanted to know where I was, who I was with and what I was doing all the time. To them, I was still their little girl. To me, I was grown up. Home was so wonderful and yet, so frustrating.
As strongly as I felt I needed to go back to my home church, I've come to realize recently that the season for being there is over. It is a great church with some really great people there, but as much as it has changed, a lot hasn't. The things that remain the same are not necessarily bad, just things that have shown me it's time to go. I'm not leaving with any ill feelings toward anyone. But just as I knew I couldn't stay at home long-term after college because of how I had changed, I know it is time now for me to move on from my parents' church.
This is mostly why I have been thinking so much about seasons lately. For some reason this topic makes this Sara Bareilles song keep playing in my head. Especially the line "as soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love." I know this means romantic love and relationships, but I think that it applies in a way to many relationships, even with organizations. In order to really grow, I need to be somewhere that challenges me. I need to be somewhere that encourages me to think about things in ways I haven't before and embrace the parts of myself that have questions and are different from the way I was raised. I need to be someplace other than home.
In all this I also have to consider the boys. I know how I was raised and some of the issues I've had to work through as a result of that. I was taught "You should know what you believe and this is what you should believe." What I want for my boys is to be in a place where they are encouraged to determine what they believe and why. I don't want them to study the Bible just so they will know what church people are supposed to know. I want them to study the Bible so they will know what they believe and where those beliefs are founded and to have the freedom to question what they are taught without being considered troublemakers. I'm not saying the things I want for them can't happen staying where we are, but I just feel that there is a better fit for us out there.
This post is getting quite long and I'm not sure I'm even making sense. I'm not sure this is even what I mean, but I really needed to take a stab at getting the thoughts out there. I've started some good friendships at the 'old' church and I certainly plan to continue those. I just pray that wherever we eventually end up, it's a good fit and a place where we can grow.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Girl, Put Your Records On
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song,
You go ahead, let your hair down.
- Corrine Bailey Rae
"Put Your Records On" is one of those songs that just makes you happy to listen to it. Even if it's not really your kind of music. (In my opinion, of course.) If you've never heard it, well, the lyrics really aren't all that great just by themselves. They really need the music with them. It's kind of weird that I am even beginning this post with a song excerpt from a song that isn't one of my favorites, but it's not as though I never warn people that I'm crazy. Crazy people do things that don't really make any sense.
I was on my way to work the other day, when I realized that I don't really know if I like a CD until I listen to it in the car. I just have so little time to really sit and listen to music without distraction, that my 45 minute round-trip commute has become my music booth time. When I get new music, I do try to listen to it at home, but it just seems like I can never focus on it. I may notice that I really like some of the music, but until I can listen to all the lyrics too, I don't know if I actually like a song. I have to like both the lyrics and the music with them or I can't officially like it.
So, for fun, I thought I would post some of the lyrics to some of my favorite songs. Some of these are songs I used to skip over on a CD, but then I listened to them in the car and found a song I couldn't live without. Sorry if this is boring to anyone reading it, but it's fun for me and since this is my blog....
A Fine Frenzy - From the song 'New Heights'
"From your lips, a precipice. I hang on every word"
Great imagery yet so simple. I love it.
Sara Bareilles - From the song 'One Sweet Love'
"The earth that is the space between, I'd banish it from under me...to get to you... Your unexpected love provides my solitary's Suicide...oh I wish I knew"
The lyrics remind me so much of an Emily Dickinson poem.
Jennifer Knapp - From the song 'A Little More'
"With all this motivation I still find a hesitation.... Deep in my soul.... Despite all my demanding I still find You understanding..." To me this speaks to so many things in my relationship with God. That struggle with my shortcomings and His grace. What a great song.
Jack Johnson - From 'If I Had Eyes'
I love the whole chorus so I'm just going to post it all.
"Sometimes time doesn't heal, no not at all. Just stands still, while we fall -- In or out of love, again I doubt I'm gonna win you back when you've got eyes like that that won't let me in. Always looking out."
Ingrid Michaelson - From 'Maybe'
"I don't wanna be the first to let it go,
But I know, I know, I know.
If you have the last hands that I want to hold,
Then I know I've got to let them go"
This was really true of my relationship with my husband, although I won't pretend I was that wise when I broke up with him in college on my 20th birthday weekend. I will say that us taking time to figure out who we were and what we really wanted was the best thing for us. Oh, and he has the last hands that I want to hold. Ingrid Michaelson is a lyrical genius.
Okay. That's enough for now. No, there was no point to this post, other than sharing some of the music I'm listening to or have often listened to. I also have a lot of Lisa Loeb lyrics I love, but WAY back I did a whole Lisa Loeb post, which can be found here.
Um.... The End.
You go ahead, let your hair down.
- Corrine Bailey Rae
"Put Your Records On" is one of those songs that just makes you happy to listen to it. Even if it's not really your kind of music. (In my opinion, of course.) If you've never heard it, well, the lyrics really aren't all that great just by themselves. They really need the music with them. It's kind of weird that I am even beginning this post with a song excerpt from a song that isn't one of my favorites, but it's not as though I never warn people that I'm crazy. Crazy people do things that don't really make any sense.
I was on my way to work the other day, when I realized that I don't really know if I like a CD until I listen to it in the car. I just have so little time to really sit and listen to music without distraction, that my 45 minute round-trip commute has become my music booth time. When I get new music, I do try to listen to it at home, but it just seems like I can never focus on it. I may notice that I really like some of the music, but until I can listen to all the lyrics too, I don't know if I actually like a song. I have to like both the lyrics and the music with them or I can't officially like it.
So, for fun, I thought I would post some of the lyrics to some of my favorite songs. Some of these are songs I used to skip over on a CD, but then I listened to them in the car and found a song I couldn't live without. Sorry if this is boring to anyone reading it, but it's fun for me and since this is my blog....
A Fine Frenzy - From the song 'New Heights'
"From your lips, a precipice. I hang on every word"
Great imagery yet so simple. I love it.
Sara Bareilles - From the song 'One Sweet Love'
"The earth that is the space between, I'd banish it from under me...to get to you... Your unexpected love provides my solitary's Suicide...oh I wish I knew"
The lyrics remind me so much of an Emily Dickinson poem.
Jennifer Knapp - From the song 'A Little More'
"With all this motivation I still find a hesitation.... Deep in my soul.... Despite all my demanding I still find You understanding..." To me this speaks to so many things in my relationship with God. That struggle with my shortcomings and His grace. What a great song.
Jack Johnson - From 'If I Had Eyes'
I love the whole chorus so I'm just going to post it all.
"Sometimes time doesn't heal, no not at all. Just stands still, while we fall -- In or out of love, again I doubt I'm gonna win you back when you've got eyes like that that won't let me in. Always looking out."
Ingrid Michaelson - From 'Maybe'
"I don't wanna be the first to let it go,
But I know, I know, I know.
If you have the last hands that I want to hold,
Then I know I've got to let them go"
This was really true of my relationship with my husband, although I won't pretend I was that wise when I broke up with him in college on my 20th birthday weekend. I will say that us taking time to figure out who we were and what we really wanted was the best thing for us. Oh, and he has the last hands that I want to hold. Ingrid Michaelson is a lyrical genius.
Okay. That's enough for now. No, there was no point to this post, other than sharing some of the music I'm listening to or have often listened to. I also have a lot of Lisa Loeb lyrics I love, but WAY back I did a whole Lisa Loeb post, which can be found here.
Um.... The End.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Loves Like a Hurricane
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!
I think I've been trying to not write this post for some time. There are so many things I'm trying to sort out with my own faith and I certainly don't want to come across as though I think I have it figured out. I'm trying to really study and sort out what are things that I do or believe that are actually just a tradition that someone made up and what is the truth that I really believe and want to keep.
The reason I've been avoiding this post is because I really, really dislike when people come across as preachy or trying to 'save' someone and I certainly want to avoid that myself. But I think that by not posting this post, I'm not being entirely honest. I strive to be the kind of person who accepts people how they are and where they are. I don't expect people to change for me or to match up with my beliefs. But I need to allow myself that same freedom. I need to accept that my opinions and beliefs are not any less relevant than any other person's and I shouldn't be hesitant to write about them. By avoiding the subject that is taking up most of my thoughts, I am producing some true crap writing.
I rarely know what to say to people. I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm pretty awkward. Even in normal, social interactions I usually just listen and say as little as possible so I don't say something stupid. It's like when I open my mouth and say something it is just something odd or crazy and people don't 'get it.' When I'm in a situation that would normally be uncomfortable, like offering comfort or advice, I'm even worse. I simply don't know what to say.
So I've been thinking a lot about what to say to people who have been victims of the terrible result of people ascribing to 'religion' and religious tradition. I've heard and read horror stories that have just infuriated me that anyone would treat someone else so inhumanely under the guise that they are doing God's work. I've had to ask myself if I would still believe in God if that had been my experience all my life.
As I was thinking about this the other day and thinking about all my trust issues, I realized that I don't really trust that God can repair that type of damage. I believe that those people out there with the judgement and the abuse and the lies who are pretending they are obeying God have done far too much damage to a lot of people that it is a hopeless situation. Sad to admit, but I'm just being honest.
I know sometimes 'Christians' meet people who have different beliefs from them and tell these people they should just read the Bible or go to church and they would obviously see how wrong they are. I have to say just reading a book or just going to a building is probably not going to change anyone. And this is something I can't stop thinking about. I have people for whom I pray daily, but I don't say much to them about faith one way or another. I don't think there is much I can say to them that will persuade them either way. But if I don't believe anything I can say will make any difference to them and I doubt that God will get through to them, where does that leave my faith?
I was listening to this song (lyrics below) and I had the thought that it isn't about if they just read the Bible or just went to church or just... anything religious. It really is about if they just realized how much God loves them and how broken his heart is over all the terrible things they have experienced or the things that have gone wrong in their lives. And that he is so proud of them for overcoming adversity and for the things they do that contribute to the world in a positive way. And I was wondering why they would believe that and I really don't know. Maybe they never will. Many people who don't believe in God or who believe in something/one other than God are quite well versed, not only in what they believe, but also in what others believe. It wasn't a choice they made on a whim. They know what they believe and why.
I certainly don't pretend to fully understand the mind of God, but I do know that he loves me. There are many things I am still working to understand about God and who he is and why he doesn't prevent certain things or why some things don't work out. But I know that as a parent there is nothing that would ever make me love my kids any less. Even if they ran away from home and told people they didn't have a mother, I would still love them and still want what is best for them and still rejoice in their successes and morn with them in their sorrows. And I know that is how God is with his children.
I have really hesitated to post this, at risk of seeming like the things or people I dislike/disagree with. But I needed to write this out, to wrestle with it, to try to put it into words that I can go back and mull over and revise if necessary. It's just what is on my mind. I'm not sure of where to go with it from here. I guess I need more time to figure out how this all plays into my faith. I can't make people believe that God loves them, but I can pray for them. And I love them. I wonder if that is enough.
How He Loves - John Mark McMillan
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
- I John 1:1
I think I've been trying to not write this post for some time. There are so many things I'm trying to sort out with my own faith and I certainly don't want to come across as though I think I have it figured out. I'm trying to really study and sort out what are things that I do or believe that are actually just a tradition that someone made up and what is the truth that I really believe and want to keep.
The reason I've been avoiding this post is because I really, really dislike when people come across as preachy or trying to 'save' someone and I certainly want to avoid that myself. But I think that by not posting this post, I'm not being entirely honest. I strive to be the kind of person who accepts people how they are and where they are. I don't expect people to change for me or to match up with my beliefs. But I need to allow myself that same freedom. I need to accept that my opinions and beliefs are not any less relevant than any other person's and I shouldn't be hesitant to write about them. By avoiding the subject that is taking up most of my thoughts, I am producing some true crap writing.
I rarely know what to say to people. I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm pretty awkward. Even in normal, social interactions I usually just listen and say as little as possible so I don't say something stupid. It's like when I open my mouth and say something it is just something odd or crazy and people don't 'get it.' When I'm in a situation that would normally be uncomfortable, like offering comfort or advice, I'm even worse. I simply don't know what to say.
So I've been thinking a lot about what to say to people who have been victims of the terrible result of people ascribing to 'religion' and religious tradition. I've heard and read horror stories that have just infuriated me that anyone would treat someone else so inhumanely under the guise that they are doing God's work. I've had to ask myself if I would still believe in God if that had been my experience all my life.
As I was thinking about this the other day and thinking about all my trust issues, I realized that I don't really trust that God can repair that type of damage. I believe that those people out there with the judgement and the abuse and the lies who are pretending they are obeying God have done far too much damage to a lot of people that it is a hopeless situation. Sad to admit, but I'm just being honest.
I know sometimes 'Christians' meet people who have different beliefs from them and tell these people they should just read the Bible or go to church and they would obviously see how wrong they are. I have to say just reading a book or just going to a building is probably not going to change anyone. And this is something I can't stop thinking about. I have people for whom I pray daily, but I don't say much to them about faith one way or another. I don't think there is much I can say to them that will persuade them either way. But if I don't believe anything I can say will make any difference to them and I doubt that God will get through to them, where does that leave my faith?
I was listening to this song (lyrics below) and I had the thought that it isn't about if they just read the Bible or just went to church or just... anything religious. It really is about if they just realized how much God loves them and how broken his heart is over all the terrible things they have experienced or the things that have gone wrong in their lives. And that he is so proud of them for overcoming adversity and for the things they do that contribute to the world in a positive way. And I was wondering why they would believe that and I really don't know. Maybe they never will. Many people who don't believe in God or who believe in something/one other than God are quite well versed, not only in what they believe, but also in what others believe. It wasn't a choice they made on a whim. They know what they believe and why.
I certainly don't pretend to fully understand the mind of God, but I do know that he loves me. There are many things I am still working to understand about God and who he is and why he doesn't prevent certain things or why some things don't work out. But I know that as a parent there is nothing that would ever make me love my kids any less. Even if they ran away from home and told people they didn't have a mother, I would still love them and still want what is best for them and still rejoice in their successes and morn with them in their sorrows. And I know that is how God is with his children.
I have really hesitated to post this, at risk of seeming like the things or people I dislike/disagree with. But I needed to write this out, to wrestle with it, to try to put it into words that I can go back and mull over and revise if necessary. It's just what is on my mind. I'm not sure of where to go with it from here. I guess I need more time to figure out how this all plays into my faith. I can't make people believe that God loves them, but I can pray for them. And I love them. I wonder if that is enough.
How He Loves - John Mark McMillan
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I Love Lisa Loeb
Note: I know I promised an explanation of my trust issues, but I'm still doing research and I'm still trying to find the time to write it all out in some kind of understandable something. I am working on it... I just don't want to post it prematurely.
SO, I'll finish and post something I started a while ago. It has been languishing sadly in my drafts for a couple months. Likely for good reason, but I have to post something. I did warn you there would be some crap posts, although I was hoping to wait until at least the end of the first week before I had to resort to this. I hope you'll forgive me.
I am a HUGE Lisa Loeb fan. She is sheer genius. Someone once told me that I look like Lisa Loeb when I wear my glasses. I didn't believe him for a second, but I still took it as a compliment. I love how quirky and cute she is and I love, love, love her lyrics. Here are a few of my favorites:
"When I'm left at home, I'm all alone. But I'd rather be alone with you. So what is this weather, and what is this darkness, and why do I feel so alone?"
"She can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written 'Cause she's never been in love with you before."
"I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me. And now you want to ask me "how"? It's like - how does your heart beat, why do you breathe? How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe? Why did you come here? You weren't invited. You were on the outside - Stay on the outside. And now you want to ask me "why"? It's like - how does your heart beat, and how do you cry? How does your heart beat? "
"You kick my foot under the table, I kick you back, I can't say I'm able to stand for you or fall for you ever again."
"I kept talking to myself, I had to get the words out of my head (so I did)"
My favorite all-time Lisa Loeb song is 'Stay.' Arguably her most popular song and probably one of two Lisa Loeb songs that most people (who listen to the radio) would be able to name. It will always be one of 'my songs.' It was on the album 'Tails' which was released in 1995. I loved it the first time I heard it on the radio and it remained a song I listened to frequently through the rest of high school and college. I still turn up the stereo whenever it comes on. There is no point to this post. I guess it's more of an addition to my favorite things post.
"So I, I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up, and this woman was singin' my song..."
SO, I'll finish and post something I started a while ago. It has been languishing sadly in my drafts for a couple months. Likely for good reason, but I have to post something. I did warn you there would be some crap posts, although I was hoping to wait until at least the end of the first week before I had to resort to this. I hope you'll forgive me.
I am a HUGE Lisa Loeb fan. She is sheer genius. Someone once told me that I look like Lisa Loeb when I wear my glasses. I didn't believe him for a second, but I still took it as a compliment. I love how quirky and cute she is and I love, love, love her lyrics. Here are a few of my favorites:
"When I'm left at home, I'm all alone. But I'd rather be alone with you. So what is this weather, and what is this darkness, and why do I feel so alone?"
"She can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written 'Cause she's never been in love with you before."
"I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me. And now you want to ask me "how"? It's like - how does your heart beat, why do you breathe? How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe? Why did you come here? You weren't invited. You were on the outside - Stay on the outside. And now you want to ask me "why"? It's like - how does your heart beat, and how do you cry? How does your heart beat? "
"You kick my foot under the table, I kick you back, I can't say I'm able to stand for you or fall for you ever again."
"I kept talking to myself, I had to get the words out of my head (so I did)"
My favorite all-time Lisa Loeb song is 'Stay.' Arguably her most popular song and probably one of two Lisa Loeb songs that most people (who listen to the radio) would be able to name. It will always be one of 'my songs.' It was on the album 'Tails' which was released in 1995. I loved it the first time I heard it on the radio and it remained a song I listened to frequently through the rest of high school and college. I still turn up the stereo whenever it comes on. There is no point to this post. I guess it's more of an addition to my favorite things post.
"So I, I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up, and this woman was singin' my song..."
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Reminders
My email application at work has reminders that pop up to remind me of things on my calendar like meetings, calls, and tasks to complete. When I'm working on something else and something is on my calendar 15 minutes out, a little box pops up saying what is coming up, at what time it starts, and the location or call-in number. Although it's annoying, it's good because it helps prevent me from missing a meeting or forgetting something for which I'm responsible. Some people can keep everything they have going on and everything they should be thinking about all neatly organized in their head. I am not one of those people. I need reminders.
Sometimes I need non-email reminders about things I haven't thought about in a long time. I tend to get really preoccupied at times and forget about things I already know. I feel like I've had so much going on lately -- all this stuff about my writing and my faith and the way I communicate and work. And then I start getting really dissatisfied with myself that I am juggling too many things that take up too much space in my head and I can't seem to concentrate and focus on one thing. I was driving to work today and I got a reminder. A reminder that while I should still wrestle with all my questions and try to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing, it's not about where I work or what I wear or if I can even put together a coherent sentence. There are more important things. I can deal.... probably even with being an office-worker posuer for a while longer... as long as I don't lose sight of what really matters.
PS. My reminder was part of the song 'Let Me Love You More' By Misty Edwards
If I never walk on water,
If I never see the miracles.
If I never hear your voice so loud.
Just knowing that You love me
is enough to keep me here.
Just hearing
those words
Is enough is enough to satisfy...
'Cause when it's been said
and when it's all been done.
When the race is run.
Well, it all comes to love.
Sometimes I need non-email reminders about things I haven't thought about in a long time. I tend to get really preoccupied at times and forget about things I already know. I feel like I've had so much going on lately -- all this stuff about my writing and my faith and the way I communicate and work. And then I start getting really dissatisfied with myself that I am juggling too many things that take up too much space in my head and I can't seem to concentrate and focus on one thing. I was driving to work today and I got a reminder. A reminder that while I should still wrestle with all my questions and try to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing, it's not about where I work or what I wear or if I can even put together a coherent sentence. There are more important things. I can deal.... probably even with being an office-worker posuer for a while longer... as long as I don't lose sight of what really matters.
PS. My reminder was part of the song 'Let Me Love You More' By Misty Edwards
If I never walk on water,
If I never see the miracles.
If I never hear your voice so loud.
Just knowing that You love me
is enough to keep me here.
Just hearing
those words
Is enough is enough to satisfy...
'Cause when it's been said
and when it's all been done.
When the race is run.
Well, it all comes to love.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Breathe In Deep
More lyrics I love right now. (Caedmon's Call, on their 1997 self-titled release.)
CLOSE OF AUTUMN
When I'm cold and alone
All I want is my freedom
and a sudden gust of gravity.
I stop wailing and kicking
Just to let this water cover me, cover me.
Only if I rest my arms, rest my mind,
You'll overcome me
and swell up around me.
With my fighting so vain,
With my vanity so fought,
I'm rolling over.
All the time I'm thinking,
Wondering how it would be
to breathe in deep.
I guess I need to be careful
when I ask for a drink
(Just might get what I ask for).
And I know just what
You'd say to me,
That's why I don't ask You.
What would I ask You?
An awful lot of talking,
I don't leave You much to say;
You didn't ever leave me-
And my greatest fear was
You'd leave me here.
A long time back
my feet could touch the bottom.
It probably makes more sense if you listen to the song, but I think it has some really great lines. I especially love the last line. I guess with my own last line and ending issues, I have a soft spot for really great ones.
I think this song, and especially that last line, describes how I feel right now. Just a few months ago, my feet touched the bottom, but now I mostly forget what that feels like. I don't think that, had someone asked me back then, I would have said that I had everything figured out. I'm smart enough to know I never have. But I think that looking back, I felt I had enough figured out. That I knew what was going on and that I knew what I thought about most things. Now I'm exploring and thinking and mulling over and trying to swim. Despite that it is unfamiliar, it's much better than just wading in.
CLOSE OF AUTUMN
When I'm cold and alone
All I want is my freedom
and a sudden gust of gravity.
I stop wailing and kicking
Just to let this water cover me, cover me.
Only if I rest my arms, rest my mind,
You'll overcome me
and swell up around me.
With my fighting so vain,
With my vanity so fought,
I'm rolling over.
All the time I'm thinking,
Wondering how it would be
to breathe in deep.
I guess I need to be careful
when I ask for a drink
(Just might get what I ask for).
And I know just what
You'd say to me,
That's why I don't ask You.
What would I ask You?
An awful lot of talking,
I don't leave You much to say;
You didn't ever leave me-
And my greatest fear was
You'd leave me here.
A long time back
my feet could touch the bottom.
It probably makes more sense if you listen to the song, but I think it has some really great lines. I especially love the last line. I guess with my own last line and ending issues, I have a soft spot for really great ones.
I think this song, and especially that last line, describes how I feel right now. Just a few months ago, my feet touched the bottom, but now I mostly forget what that feels like. I don't think that, had someone asked me back then, I would have said that I had everything figured out. I'm smart enough to know I never have. But I think that looking back, I felt I had enough figured out. That I knew what was going on and that I knew what I thought about most things. Now I'm exploring and thinking and mulling over and trying to swim. Despite that it is unfamiliar, it's much better than just wading in.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Partial
I know I already mentioned how much I love certain lyrics. Here's another Jack Johnson one for you: "I've been feelin' kind of seasick lately. See you reaching to me, gonna save me. You or me, I would much rather take the fall."
I was going to say I was jealous of people who write things that I love that much, but I'm not. I'm happy for them that they are so talented and have found a venue through which to share their talent. Really, I just get a little freaked out by how much I can identify with the words of a complete stranger. I was working on something about it. I'm still working it out. It's really rough, but here is part of it:
I hear someone else's voice
expressing the unformed thoughts
swirling in my head.
I'm haunted by my heart
in someone else's throat.
I am really starting to hate that I have so much incomplete work. I guess that's part of the process, but I find it annoying. I mean, for most of it I've written more, but just think the quality, the phrasing, the ideas are so poor that I usually discard it. Then I'm left with a partial poem. Maybe I can publish a book of partial poems.... "Complete Your Own Poems" like the 'Choose your own adventure' books that were popular for about 5 seconds when I was little. Or maybe I can just put all the partials together and pretend it's a really brilliant poem and it's just above people who don't get it.
Ok, I completely digress so I think that means it's time for this rambling to end. At least I didn't miss posting today....
:P
I was going to say I was jealous of people who write things that I love that much, but I'm not. I'm happy for them that they are so talented and have found a venue through which to share their talent. Really, I just get a little freaked out by how much I can identify with the words of a complete stranger. I was working on something about it. I'm still working it out. It's really rough, but here is part of it:
I hear someone else's voice
expressing the unformed thoughts
swirling in my head.
I'm haunted by my heart
in someone else's throat.
I am really starting to hate that I have so much incomplete work. I guess that's part of the process, but I find it annoying. I mean, for most of it I've written more, but just think the quality, the phrasing, the ideas are so poor that I usually discard it. Then I'm left with a partial poem. Maybe I can publish a book of partial poems.... "Complete Your Own Poems" like the 'Choose your own adventure' books that were popular for about 5 seconds when I was little. Or maybe I can just put all the partials together and pretend it's a really brilliant poem and it's just above people who don't get it.
Ok, I completely digress so I think that means it's time for this rambling to end. At least I didn't miss posting today....
:P
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