Jealous

I'm always so jealous when I see girls who seem to have mastered their own personal style, especially when that style looks like what I wish was my personal style. I'm not really sure of how to describe what I would like to be my style, but maybe funky-classic? Casual-classic? I dunno. I'm not a trendy person, but I do try to make sure that I'm not wearing things that are horribly out-of-fashion. If I ever take "fashion quizes" in magazines, I usually just barely fall under "classic," but I know I'm not classic in the glamorous, Audrey Hepburn or Jackie Kennedy way.

No, I'm not glamorous at all. I don't know how to accessorize. I don't wear lipstick. I'm not sure how so many other people seem to be able to look so cute and put together. My default work clothes are dresses, since there is very little involved in making sure the outfit "works." Just coordinate the shoes and go. My default at-home wear is whatever is super comfortable and warm. Yet I still wish I had whatever gene it is that makes people know exactly what looks good together and exactly what looks good on their bodies, all while looking as though they put very little effort into the whole thing. Like it just came naturally for them to know how to mix all the elements of their wardrobe into an amazing collage of perfect outfits.

I recently stumbled onto this blog. I can't remember how I found it and I hope this girl doesn't hate me for linking to her since I am not a fashion blogger, but I just think she is completely adorable. I know that not all of her outfits would work for me (she looks super-cute in skinny jeans and flats, while I look weird and frumpy in them), but she does such a great job of mixing together outfits that are workable for a mom, and yet fun and flattering. I would love to be more like that.

There is also the whole make-up thing. I wear powder foundation and mascara. And chapstick (what? that's not make-up?) I recently started wearing eye shadow, but I have somewhat hooded eyes and I am just not good at putting it on. My friend Sara, on the other hand, her make-up always looks fabulous. As though her make-up is professionally done each time she leaves the house. Is it bad to be jealous of how good your friends look?

Anyway, I'm not really sure of what to do. I think I will start with cleaning out my closet. I tried to start this weekend, but there was a birthday party and a baby shower and t-ball practice and two little boys running around like crazy people that kept me from getting to it. But this weekend, I really am going to try. I'm going to try to go through my closet and get rid of everything that doesn't fit well or that I haven't worn in over a year. And then I'm going to try pairing things together that I've never worn together. And I'm going to try to make a list of some accessories I think might help me expand/enhance some of those outfits

We'll see how it goes. But taking baby steps in the direction of working on my personal style is certainly better than sitting around being jealous of how great other people look.

Toothpicks, Please

There are many reasons I have only two children. Two kids is really plenty for me. I do not feel the need to just continue producing offspring. I love, LOVE my boys. But the thought of going through another pregnancy and the whole newborn phase again is completely terrifying to me. I was ecstatic when I put all my maternity clothes in a bin and gave them away. I don't think I've ever once had a dreamy nostalgic thought of "Well, babies are cute and maybe I should have kept the clothes...." No. I was glad to help out someone who needed them, but also glad to be rid of them.

The main thing I do not miss at all about having a baby around is the sleepless nights. Neither of my boys were good nighttime sleepers. I tried to do things "right," like having them sleep in their own crib every night from the time we brought them home from the hospital. I did not rush to them every single time they fussed. I tried to follow the rules that are supposed to produce good sleepers, but to no avail. My kids were up every few hours, every night, for months on end. Oh, the torture of never getting a full night sleep. My kids obviously hated me.

Things got a little better after my oldest turned one, but not long after, I was pregnant again and even more exhausted. And any change of schedule or even minor illness would send us into a spate of sleepless nights. Once my youngest was born, it was back to the cycle of up every few hours, every night. But then my oldest would somehow manage to wake up at least once a night too. Oy.

Most of the first six months of my youngest son's life are a blur in my memory. All I really remember is the overwhelming exhaustion. I'm not sure what I said to them on the phone or what prompted it, but I do have this vivid memory of opening the front door and my parents standing there on the porch. My mom took the baby, who was probably only a few weeks old at the time, and said "Go to bed. We can take care of our grandsons for a few hours." I broke down in tears.

Going without sleep is hard. Really, really hard. I guess in a way it gets you used to the fact that most things about being a parent are hard, but that doesn't make up for lost sleep. Add to no sleep trying to be a good parent and work full time and salvage some semblence of a life (outside of parenting and sleep-deprivation), and you have a recipe for disaster.

It seems like my kids have been sick on-and-off (but mostly on) since.... oh... the beginning of winter. Month after month of spending bundles of nights getting up every few hours to administer medicine, wipe noses, and various other unpleasant things I will not detail here, and I feel like I cannot go on like this much longer. I just want winter to go away, for my kids to be well, and to get a full nights' sleep for more than two nights in a row. I also wish this post were better and that it made sense, but I can barely stay awake. This will have to do for now. In the meantime, I need to set the coffeemaker to brew in the morning and remember to set out the toothpicks to help me keep my eyes open for work.

Day One

If I could explain how bad my writer's block has been lately, I would. I'm really not sure of what happened. But I do know that I've got to try something to get back on track. I wouldn't exactly say that I've missed writing, at least, not in the way I would miss a dear friend or a favorite food if I'd gone months without. But I have felt like something has been missing lately and I think that is me putting effort into anything other than what is absolutely necessary to maintain my life.

So here I am. Back to another write-everyday-for-a-month month. Only this time I'm going to do something different. I've been mulling over the thought that maybe knowing that people I know might read everything I post has in some way made me less likely to post. I'm going to write every day, but I'm only going to post here every other day. The in-between days I will write, but not post to this blog. At the end of the month, I will evaluate my work and see how it is different in quality and content.

If there is something really worth sharing in my in-between writing, I may post it here after the end of April, but I guess we will see how it goes. I am actually starting to get excited about this little experiment. I'm really hoping it gets me back into my writing and a little bit out of my predictable routine.

Why?

Why do I have nothing to write about? Oy. I hate this. I think I see another write-each-day-for-a-month in my future. This is ridiculous.

I Feel Old!

So. I'm trying to watch the Grammy Awards. Many of these people... I've never heard their music. And when I watch them perform, I feel so uncomfortable that they are up there with all those shiny costumes and synchronized dance moves... it makes me feel strange just watching them.

I like lots of different types of music, but my favorites are by people who perform in small theatres and venues, without shiny costumes. I either listen to CDs or NPR on my commute. Tonight was the first time I'd heard a Justin Bieber song.

I'm by no means a trendy person. I am usually aware of trends, but I only partake of the ones that I am confident will not make me look like an idiot.... for example, you may catch me in a Mad Men-esque dress at the office, but you will never catch me wearing skinny jeans and flats (I don't have the body for it). So, sure, I've heard of Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga... but as for being well-versed in their song titles or trivia? Not so much.

I'm not that old. But, for some reason, seeing all these super-star music people who I know very little about makes me feel old. And the fact that I feel uncomfortable watching them with their shiny clothes and odd dance moves, makes me feel even older.

Bleh. I don't want to be old. But I also realized that I don't care about the Grammy Awards. Time to watch some Food Network and go to bed early. ;)

New Year, New Motto

"Every opportunity has an expiration date,

and the cost of missing out is greater than the cost of messing up."

— Pete Wilson

I am a hesitator. A what-if?-er. An over-analyzer. A second-guesser. I like to just say I'm "indecisive," but that's really being nice. I agonize over even the simplest decision, wondering if I'm making the right choice. It is annoying, frustrating, and tiring. And I want to stop.

So this is my new motto. I keep telling myself that the missing out on opportunities is so much worse than things not turning out exactly how I want. I have many good intentions, but when it comes down to it I freak myself out that things will go badly so I don't follow through. I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to look back at my life with regrets.

Maybe I will start blogging again, since I have sadly neglected my blog for quite some time now. Maybe I will keep track of some of the things I tackle without hesitating. Maybe. For now, I have some people to call and places to go.

Three Guys and a Girl

I remember when I was finishing college. I checked out some grad schools, thinking that maybe I would try to get a degree in something like environmental law or environmental policy. I would be that girl, living in the city, barely making rent on my tiny apartment, and working long hours to make a difference. Yeah. I could be that girl.

But there was this guy....

I know what you're thinking, but no. I actually didn't give all that up for this guy. This guy said he would move with me wherever. He likes the city. We would take on the world together.

But the more I thought about it, the less I liked that girl. What kind of life is that? Working all the time, fighting losing battles, barely making ends meet, hardly any time for friends and family. No, I couldn't be that girl.

I wanted to have more free time. To have a job I could leave at work. To be close to family and close to my roots. So that's what I did. I got a job to help pay off the student loans and settled in close to home. I think about this from time to time, trying to figure out if there are any pangs of regret. Wondering if I have any "if onlys." I don't.

Oddly, I still feel like I work all the time, fight losing battles, and have a hard time making ends meet. Because, well.... I do. I work full-time and have two kids. That's reality. There are times I wish I had a different job or that I'd done some things differently. But, live and learn, right?

Besides.... there are these guys.....