A Resolution of Sorts

I know I’m doing the One Word thing this year, but I realized something yesterday and I need to write it down.  I’m pretending that if I know that other people know about it, I’ll hold myself to it because I don’t want to be embarrassed if they ask me and I haven’t followed through.

At various points over the past couple months, I started reading one of eight different books and then stopped.  Eight.  I know working through multiple books at once is probably not unusual at all for scholarly types or hard-core bookworms, but I am usually a one-book-at-a-time person.  If I’m reading something weightier, I will sometimes read some fiction or a lighthearted memoir in conjunction for a break, but eight books?  That’s ridiculous.  For me, anyway.

These are the books I've started:

Bird by Bird – Anne Lamott
Right Here, Right Now – Alan Hirsch and Lance Ford
Home: A Memoir of my Early Years – Julie Andrews
Life of Pi –  Yann Martel
Bossypants – Tina Fey
Life Together – Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Gospel Medicine – Barbara Brown Taylor
Home by Another Way – Barbara Brown Taylor

My resolution is this:  I will finish at least six of the above listed books before I start any other books. Other than Gospel Medicine, I have not read more than one-third of any of them.  I have no reason or excuse, I just got distracted and didn't realize that my reading queue was so out of control.

Now I've written it down and now I have to do something about it.

Carrying My Own Suitcase

bag·gage
\ˈba-gij\
noun
1. suitcases, trunks, and personal belongings of travelers
2. things that encumber one's freedom, progress, development, or adaptability


We all know about baggage.  We all have baggage of one type or another.  Of course, in this post I'm referring to the encumbering kind of baggage and not necessarily the kind that goes in the cargo hold -- despite that both types can be accurately described as the "personal belongings of travelers."  My mind has been racing lately, taking stock of my baggage, testing the handles, feeling the weight, wondering how I accumulated such a mismatched assortment.  I am still working on how my baggage, full of my unraveled or unraveling messiness, is going to work its way onto this blog.  But right now, I'm thinking about one of the major things I need to address this year: what I'm going to do about church.

When I explained previously that I'm not attending church, I wrote,

If there is one thing I've learned over the past year it is that if you don't learn to own your faith, to truly understand what you believe and why, then you may as well not believe anything.  When your faith is based only on what other people have told you that you should believe, you have to close yourself off from people who think differently from you, lest they ask you questions you can't answer or find gaps in your story.  I don't want that and I don't want it for my kids.

But here is what I'm questioning: can we choose our kids' baggage?  Of course I know that part of being a good parent is doing everything in our power to raise our kids in an environment that grows them into healthy and well-adjusted people and that there are obvious things parents should avoid to prevent the baggage that results from things like abuse or neglect.  I'm not talking about those obvious, universal things.  What I'm worrying about is if by trying to avoid something so specific and not-universally-avoided, if my kids are just going to end up with the same baggage I have anyway?  Or are they going to have some kind of opposite baggage (is that a thing?) because in trying so hard to make things different for them they will pick up something else along the way?

I honestly have no idea.

This is just one of many reasons I need to work through my church issues.  At this point, I'm completely unclear about what it is all going to look like on the other side, but I do know that I need to make some decisions.  I don't know if we will be regularly attending a church by the end of the year, but I know that Christian community is one of the foundations of the Christian faith and that I need to figure out how to incorporate that into our lives.

Into my life.

That's really what it boils down to.  These issues with church are my issues.  Sure, when my kids are older, I'm sure there will be discussions we have where I will reference some of my baggage, but at this point, it is my responsibility.  My job is to live out what I know is right and bring my kids along with me.  Some day, they will have their own baggage about something, as much as I try to prevent it.  But this church thing, this is mine and they have no obligation to it.  With this church thing, I need to suck it up and carry my own suitcase.

Reflection

All this thinking and sorting is a bit overwhelming.  I believe it calls for some poetry.



Reflection

Bandages
ripped off,
exposing wounds
to salt.
Disregard the
impulse to
hide the
scars
as they resurface.
Don’t
avert your eyes.
Gaze
unflinching
in the mirror,
and
do not
dim the lights.

Unravelings

I've been a little preoccupied the past two days thinking about why I decided to participate in One Word 365.  I've churned out a variety of half-finished drafts on non-One Word topics -- including a confession/resolution, some thoughts on not having a daughter, and a bit of a rant on why we care so much what other people do even when it doesn't affect us -- but haven't been able to finish any of them.  I want to, but I'm kind of hung up on my one word at the moment.

It's unusual for me to do something like One Word 365 and I've been questioning myself over why I committed to it.  I realized this morning it wasn't the participation giving me second thoughts, it was the stress over how in the world I was going to fit all my unravelings back together.  Even though I know I need to do it, I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of trying.

I've been mulling over warp and weft and some of my other research, working on how to approach those topics for the year.  Then I realized that isn't where I need to begin.  Before I get into trying to determine how it all fits together, I need to understand what I even have to work with. I'm not sure how long it will take to sort it all out, but I don't want to start weaving together whatever happens to be lying around only to get halfway through the year and discover I've been working with the wrong pieces.  Just as much as the characteristic of the fabric is determined by the manner in which the warp and weft are woven, the raw material used for each also determines the essence of the final product.  And since I don't know exactly what to include at this point, that is where I must start.

This is not going to be easy for me.  I still have uncertainties about much of what I've unraveled over the past few years.  I sometimes find myself feeling envious of those who are so sure of everything that you can mention any topic and they will tell you with absolute certainty exactly what they know to be true about it, regardless if you've asked them or not.  I can tell you what I believe to be true about almost anything, but you will rarely hear me say that I am one-hundred percent certain.  My mind simply does not work that way about a lot of things. Just when it seems I've figured it out, I come up with a different perspective or a different thought process that stops me just shy of confidence.  Because of that, I've decided I should start with what I am most confident about and work my to the things I'm less sure about.

It's still overwhelming, yet slightly less stressful, now that I know that the first part of this year needs to be focused on sorting through all the unraveled piles and choosing what is going to be included and what is not worth saving.  I know I have my work cut out for me, but I also know it is going to be worthwhile.  And even if some of what I'm weaving with is partial doubts and lingering questions, at least I've figured out where and how to begin.

Potential

When I was in college, I took a class called “Christian Understandings of the Human Experience.”  The majority of my grade hinged on a massive term paper I was required to write on a single word chosen from the Bible.  I decided on the word "light," which was an excellent word for such an assignment.  There are many references to light in the Bible, most of which are wonderful for expanding our understanding of spiritual matters.

I have been looking at some of the other One Word 365 blogs and there are some inspirational posts out there.  Weave, my One Word for 2013, kind of sticks out like a sore thumb among all the beautiful and deeply meaningful words chosen by others.  "Light" would have been a much more inspiring word to choose, but I've already written somewhat extensively about light, so that would kind of be cheating.  That and I would feel kinda bad for abandoning my word before I really gave it a chance to reveal its potential.

I can tell you right now that I have found zero inspiring passages in the Bible about weaving or weavers or anything woven.  Every scripture reference I’ve found is either instructional, like in Exodus and Judges where commands are given around the type of fabric required for priestly garments, or they are references to woe and despair, like in Job and Isaiah. 

No matter.  I am resourceful.  And while I do believe that all scripture is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training, I do not believe that scripture is the only place we can learn about God or the only resource we can use for learning and growing and shaping our lives. 

That’s right.  I looked up “weaving” on Wikipedia.

According to Wikipedia, weaving is "a method of fabric production in which two distinct sets of yarns or threads are interlaced at right angles to form a fabric or cloth.... The longitudinal threads are called the warp and the lateral threads are the weft or filling."  Okay.  I’m not going to summarize the rest of it here, however anyone interested can click this link and read the thrilling explanation of weaving for his or her self. 

I don’t plan on giving a linguistics lesson in every one of these posts; I’m simply trying to get all cozy and personal with my word so I can work on how a word like “Weave” can be sum up how I want to live in 2013. I have a feeling this is going to turn out quite different than I’d first thought when pushed myself to try this whole One Word thing, but that’s okay.  I did manage to find a few lines in my research that stood out to me:

Warp means "that which is thrown across.”  Weft is an old English word meaning "that which is woven."  The method in which these threads are inter woven affects the characteristics of the cloth.  Because the warp is held under high tension during the entire process of weaving, warp yarn must be strong.

There we go.  Potential. 

One Word

Let me begin by saying that I am already second-guessing myself and this is only the first sentence.  The thought that someone I don't know may be reading these words soon after I post this makes me have all kinds of second and third (and, heck, tenth!) thoughts about doing this.  I have never before done any kind of link-up that might purposely bring people to read my blog.  Yes, I do understand that posting to an online blog instead of writing in a diary I keep under my mattress means there is a greater chance people will happen upon my writing and read it, but this is new and different for me.  Only a limited number of my friends and family even know that I write a blog.  So this is all a bit nerve wracking for me, but a new year calls for doing new things.

Now that I have that out of the way, I'll also say that I realize I am a bit late to the party.  I only found out about this two days ago when it showed up on my Facebook news feed from the "A Deeper Story" Facebook page.  At first I was going to follow along without participating, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to try it.

Quite a while back I wrote a post in which I explained that I felt as though I was unraveling in more than one sense of the word.  I wrote, "I might be unraveling in the sense that I feel like I'm coming apart, but I am not going to continue that way. I'm making an intentional effort to unravel the complexities of my life, faith, and decisions into something clear and understandable."  That was in 2009 and I feel as though along the way I've become stuck on the taking apart to the point that making the complexities clear and understandable went by the wayside a little.

When I saw this One Word idea, the word "Unravel" immediately came to mind.  It didn't take long, however, to rule it out.  This is a new year and I need a new word.  I need something to show that I am ready to turn a page and figure out what to do with all the threads of my life I've unraveled into these "strands of something" that somehow need to fit together into a clear and understandable whole.

And then my word came to me:

Weave
transitive verb

- To interweave or combine (elements) into a complex whole.
 - To introduce (another element) into a complex whole; to work in.
 - To produce by elaborately combining elements
 - To unite in a coherent whole

Of all these definitions, "to unite in a coherent whole" most powerfully represents this word to me.  I've spent all these years trying to unravel, to question, to deconstruct what I think and what I believe, and it is time to start figuring out how it fits back together.  Not that I will be complete or that the questions will disappear or that I won't still be on a journey, but I need to start trying to see the bigger picture again before I start losing some of the vital components.  I need to begin uniting these various strands into a coherent, albeit complex, whole.

Yes. Weave is my word and to weave is my goal.  I will weave with words and with thoughts and with experiences.  I will interweave and introduce and produce and unite.  And even though there may be the occasional need to rearrange or reevaluate, my hope is that by the end of this year I will have something more coherent than these armfuls of unraveled strands.



God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. - Psalm 18:20 (MSG)

Whenever and Wherever

"We are creatures made in the image of our creator, after all, which makes us partners in God's plan. We too are allies of creation. We too are lovers of life, which means that we too are wounded by the brokenness we see around us, the brokenness in which we ourselves participate. We are both the breakers and the healers, set into relationship with a God whose covenant calls us to shift the balance from death to life whenever and wherever we can." - Barbara Brown Taylor, in Gospel Medicine


Lately I've found that I have to stay busy to keep my mind off the circumstances of other people.  That may sound horrible.  I don't know.  I've had to stop reading and watching the news almost completely.  It's too much.  And it is not just some of the recent mass tragedies that prompted this, but also individual heartaches that are just as much a part of life, yet shouldn't be.  It seems that everywhere I turn, someone I know or a friend of a friend or a real person I don't know but who is on the news, is experiencing something horrible.  Something that no person should have to experience, yet there it is.  I want to turn it off and block it out, but I know deep down that is not possible.

That is the thing about life -- about death, heartache, brokenness, reality -- that gets us, isn't it?  No amount of looking the other way, distracting ourselves, staying busy, focusing on other things... none of those efforts changes any of it.  Even if we can forget for a while, it's all still there.  The brokenness doesn't heal or go away by ignoring it.  We can try to not think about it, but it is all. still. there.  

So what can I do?  

I can't work miracles:  I am not Miracle Max (From The Princess Bride.  Please tell me you got that reference before I explained it.)  

I can't save people's lives: I am not a superhero.  

I can't make suffering go away:  I am not God. 

It's difficult not to feel helpless and hopeless and useless.  Then I started thinking about this line: "shift the balance from death to life whenever and wherever we can."  I read that and realized that when we are doing the very best we can despite all our shortcomings, this is what is happening.  Sometimes it is biting back a sarcastic remark and mustering a smile.  Sometimes it is going out of our way to do something kind or helpful.  Sometimes it is just being there even though we have no advice to offer or words to say.  Sometimes it means showing up even though we don't know why.  

When we persevere against that helpless feeling and do SOMETHING that pushes back the gloom and offers a momentary reprieve from a harsh reality, we are working to shift the balance from death to life.  When we manage to brighten a day or lighten a burden or dry even one tear, we are nudging life ahead of its opposite... even if in the most minuscule, almost unrecognizable of increment.  

Something about the idea of "whenever and wherever" sounds like something I have been having a difficult time grasping lately.  Something about shifting the balance to something good any time that I can and anywhere that I can -- that sounds a little like hope to me.  I'm not certain.  It could be wishful thinking.  I know in my heart that some things are so terrible that there is no escaping them.  I know in my head that a momentary reprieve is just a break and doesn't actually make circumstances different.  But, oh.  Despite all the despair,this does seem like a way to foster hope.  Even if that hope is such a tiny glimmer we can't be sure if it is anything at all.

That's what I want.  I want to focus on shifting to life, shifting to good.  Maybe then I can start seeing hope begin to reveal itself where there previously seemed to be nothing but darkness.  Actually, I'm not going to get overly-optimistic about it.  I'm going to keep thinking, "shift the balance" and keep working on that.  

Any hope or life or healing or positive outcomes are not up to me.  All I can do is show up and try to shift the balance.  

And that is what I intend to do, even if I can't see the results.

From death to life.  Whenever and wherever I can.