I've been a little preoccupied the past two days thinking about why I decided to participate in One Word 365. I've churned out a variety of half-finished drafts on non-One Word topics -- including a confession/resolution, some thoughts on not having a daughter, and a bit of a rant on why we care so much what other people do even when it doesn't affect us -- but haven't been able to finish any of them. I want to, but I'm kind of hung up on my one word at the moment.
It's unusual for me to do something like One Word 365 and I've been questioning myself over why I committed to it. I realized this morning it wasn't the participation giving me second thoughts, it was the stress over how in the world I was going to fit all my unravelings back together. Even though I know I need to do it, I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of trying.
I've been mulling over warp and weft and some of my other research, working on how to approach those topics for the year. Then I realized that isn't where I need to begin. Before I get into trying to determine how it all fits together, I need to understand what I even have to work with. I'm not sure how long it will take to sort it all out, but I don't want to start weaving together whatever happens to be lying around only to get halfway through the year and discover I've been working with the wrong pieces. Just as much as the characteristic of the fabric is determined by the manner in which the warp and weft are woven, the raw material used for each also determines the essence of the final product. And since I don't know exactly what to include at this point, that is where I must start.
This is not going to be easy for me. I still have uncertainties about much of what I've unraveled over the past few years. I sometimes find myself feeling envious of those who are so sure of everything that you can mention any topic and they will tell you with absolute certainty exactly what they know to be true about it, regardless if you've asked them or not. I can tell you what I believe to be true about almost anything, but you will rarely hear me say that I am one-hundred percent certain. My mind simply does not work that way about a lot of things. Just when it seems I've figured it out, I come up with a different perspective or a different thought process that stops me just shy of confidence. Because of that, I've decided I should start with what I am most confident about and work my to the things I'm less sure about.
It's still overwhelming, yet slightly less stressful, now that I know that the first part of this year needs to be focused on sorting through all the unraveled piles and choosing what is going to be included and what is not worth saving. I know I have my work cut out for me, but I also know it is going to be worthwhile. And even if some of what I'm weaving with is partial doubts and lingering questions, at least I've figured out where and how to begin.