Why?

Why do I have nothing to write about? Oy. I hate this. I think I see another write-each-day-for-a-month in my future. This is ridiculous.

I Feel Old!

So. I'm trying to watch the Grammy Awards. Many of these people... I've never heard their music. And when I watch them perform, I feel so uncomfortable that they are up there with all those shiny costumes and synchronized dance moves... it makes me feel strange just watching them.

I like lots of different types of music, but my favorites are by people who perform in small theatres and venues, without shiny costumes. I either listen to CDs or NPR on my commute. Tonight was the first time I'd heard a Justin Bieber song.

I'm by no means a trendy person. I am usually aware of trends, but I only partake of the ones that I am confident will not make me look like an idiot.... for example, you may catch me in a Mad Men-esque dress at the office, but you will never catch me wearing skinny jeans and flats (I don't have the body for it). So, sure, I've heard of Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga... but as for being well-versed in their song titles or trivia? Not so much.

I'm not that old. But, for some reason, seeing all these super-star music people who I know very little about makes me feel old. And the fact that I feel uncomfortable watching them with their shiny clothes and odd dance moves, makes me feel even older.

Bleh. I don't want to be old. But I also realized that I don't care about the Grammy Awards. Time to watch some Food Network and go to bed early. ;)

New Year, New Motto

"Every opportunity has an expiration date,

and the cost of missing out is greater than the cost of messing up."

— Pete Wilson

I am a hesitator. A what-if?-er. An over-analyzer. A second-guesser. I like to just say I'm "indecisive," but that's really being nice. I agonize over even the simplest decision, wondering if I'm making the right choice. It is annoying, frustrating, and tiring. And I want to stop.

So this is my new motto. I keep telling myself that the missing out on opportunities is so much worse than things not turning out exactly how I want. I have many good intentions, but when it comes down to it I freak myself out that things will go badly so I don't follow through. I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to look back at my life with regrets.

Maybe I will start blogging again, since I have sadly neglected my blog for quite some time now. Maybe I will keep track of some of the things I tackle without hesitating. Maybe. For now, I have some people to call and places to go.

Three Guys and a Girl

I remember when I was finishing college. I checked out some grad schools, thinking that maybe I would try to get a degree in something like environmental law or environmental policy. I would be that girl, living in the city, barely making rent on my tiny apartment, and working long hours to make a difference. Yeah. I could be that girl.

But there was this guy....

I know what you're thinking, but no. I actually didn't give all that up for this guy. This guy said he would move with me wherever. He likes the city. We would take on the world together.

But the more I thought about it, the less I liked that girl. What kind of life is that? Working all the time, fighting losing battles, barely making ends meet, hardly any time for friends and family. No, I couldn't be that girl.

I wanted to have more free time. To have a job I could leave at work. To be close to family and close to my roots. So that's what I did. I got a job to help pay off the student loans and settled in close to home. I think about this from time to time, trying to figure out if there are any pangs of regret. Wondering if I have any "if onlys." I don't.

Oddly, I still feel like I work all the time, fight losing battles, and have a hard time making ends meet. Because, well.... I do. I work full-time and have two kids. That's reality. There are times I wish I had a different job or that I'd done some things differently. But, live and learn, right?

Besides.... there are these guys.....

Exhale

We survived the first day of school. Pretty much nothing went right logistically, but we survived. The bus forgot to pick him up and then they passed our road on the way back and had to turn around to drop him off after I called.

However, the most important thing is that Luke loves school so far. He loves riding the bus and seems to have made some friends. He really doesn't have much to say about what goes on during class, but every once in a while he lets something slip. He really seems to adore his teacher and is more than happy to share what he's learning with his little brother. I know it's still early in the year, but consider this post a huge sigh of relief.


*Exhale*

Bittersweet

My eldest son is starting Kindergarten tomorrow. I've known since before he was born that this day was coming, and yet I still find myself horribly unprepared. I'm not concerned about how he will do in school, at least not academically. I'm scared for him as he learns to navigate the frightening social environment that is riding the bus and dealing with classmates.

I hate the thought of him sitting on the bus all alone, or worse yet, sitting with the wrong people. Some kid who might be mean to him or make fun of him for being shy and quiet or try to bully him into doing something wrong. I don't want him to feel alone or ostracised. I basically don't want him to have to deal with the hard or negative parts of growing up.

I know that is completely unrealistic. I know that we all become who we are based on learning to deal with the people around us. I know that he must learn how to interact with people to reach adulthood with the ability to cope, to rise above, to navigate friendships, and to make good choices.

But I think the real reason this bothers me is that there is something so final about the first day of Kindergarten. Yes, it's the first day of something exciting for him. Yes, I'm excited for him. I'm excited to see what he loves to learn about, to hear about the friends he makes, and to watch him grow in this whole new way. But his first day of Kindergarten is also the the last of him being home every day with us. It's the last day of me being able to call from work to check and see what he's up to. I know he will always be my son, but after tomorrow, things won't be the same. Which is good, but for me, it's very bittersweet.

Distractions

I know it has been forever since I've written. I blame my third-of-life crisis. I'm mad that I know what I want to be when I grow up, but I can't be that and instead I'm being something else. I can barely tolerate all the office politics and stupidness that consume my job right now. I was talking with my friend Irena today about how much time work sucks up out of our weeks and it was completely depressing. Despite that there were years in the past that I was working two jobs, weekends included, I don't remember feeling this way back then. She feels same way and thinks it's because we had goals then, biding our time till we graduated college, moved away, got married, or whatever was the next step then and we thought our real lives would begin soon.

Now that our real lives are here, we realize that we're kind of trapped. And that makes it almost unbearable. It's nice to have a distraction.

Tonight, my distraction came in the form of a long-time friend's wedding. She looked gorgeous and happy and I am ecstatic for her that she has found someone who treats her the way she deserves. My husband couldn't attend with me because of work, so I met up with my dear friend from forever, her husband, and a friend from back in my working-all-the-time phase. There is something so refreshing and almost soul-cleansing about spending time with people you spent so much time with in your past. People who knew you back when you were an awkward teenager and then college student, trying to figure it all out, and who still embrace you as a grown-up once you've all realized you will never have it all figured out.

I'm not really sure of what else to say about it. I love those moments when you are completely comfortable in the company of people who really know you. This night could not have happened at a better time.