I know we aren't even a month in, but I'm already wrestling with my word. It's difficult to describe, but the closest I can come to explaining how I feel about it is "disoriented." Weave. I know it was supposed to be one word for one year, and that was honestly my goal when I chose it. Yet somewhere along the way I realized this can't be just a fling and I began to think in terms of settling in together long-term.
Maybe I'm over-thinking it or overwhelmed or just overtired, but I feel borderline-anxiety when I stop and contemplate how all of it is going to work out. I guess that isn't completely uncommon at the beginning of any serious relationship. After the initial exhilaration of the newness and potential, the realization that your life has changed forever by simply deciding to see where it goes can give pause to even the most confident of hearts. It is exciting to think about all that could be, but also difficult not to wonder if it will be able to live up to the high hopes. Identifying the direction to pursue and the effort required has caused me to have similar thoughts about this whole "weave" thing. It's a bit thrilling and intimidating all at once.
I realize now that I'm not going to end this year with some kind of finished product. It was a bit naive of me to think that I could string together a collection of months on this effort and end up with a completed "coherent whole." Admitting this realization is slightly freeing, but also unnerving. Even though I'm letting myself off the hook of having this wrapped up in the next eleven months, I feel an enormous amount of self-imposed pressure to get this year right, to not mess up what feels like laying the foundation of a long-term effort.
I guess that is where the disorientation is creeping in. I'd entered this as something to live out and write about for a collection of months, but I can already feel a shift in the way I approach so many things. This year can't be about having reached a specific goal by the time December 31st arrives. I can already tell it is more about learning how and what to weave every day -- learning to be intentional about what I choose as the overall pattern of my life. Sorting, reflecting, completing, speaking my heart, helping others, and learning to listen are things I've only begun to delve into and I know there is so much more I still have to learn.
I'm still getting to know my word, still wrestling with how it will fit into my life and how my life is going to look as it changes to accommodate the commitment. This may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, but I'm already feeling the weight of knowing we're in it for the long haul. I'm already feeling the weight of committing to be a weaver.
Anyone else having unanticipated struggles with their word? Also, I talked my friends Jenny and Jessica into joining me in the OneWord 365 effort. Check out how their words are going to shape their 2013.