I catch my breath when
I find these spaces,
the ones opened
in my soul by
all the ways in which
I am irrevocably flawed.
They no longer frighten me
as they did when I
pursued perfect,
yet I’m careful not to dwell
too long.
I pause
to take notice of the contrast
between all that’s there
and all that others see
and all I want to be.
Then I exhale
and resume the search
for truths that
transform imperfections
and illuminate the way.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Willing to be Wrong
I know homosexuality can be a divisive topic. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has found that the differences in the way we approach the subject and differences in what we base our views on can make conversations about it heated and painful. Words like "right" and "wrong" and "condone" and "agree with" and "choice" and "biology" are thrown around and often the discussion ends in frustration... or worse.
I've finally realized that for me, there is no sense in arguing. From a scriptural perspective, there is so much debate over things like cultural context or which interpretation of what word was chosen over another and then how that was translated that I don't believe I can determine with one-hundred percent certainty what is "right" in regards to whether or not a person should be able to marry another person of the same gender.
And it makes no sense for me to argue over it because I've decided this is something about which I am willing to be wrong.
I believe in God’s grace. I believe there are things the Church has gotten wrong in the past and that as difficult and disturbing as it is for me to wrap my mind around sometimes, His grace somehow covers even those things. I believe that if it turns out that I am wrong about homosexuality, God’s grace can cover that too.
I believe that telling an LGBT person that I don't agree with part of who they are would be like someone telling me that they realize I am a woman but they just can't accept that part of me. I believe that telling an LGBT person that they should try to stop being LGBT would be similar to someone telling me that I should stop being a woman. I believe that if being "right" means advocating for or allowing discrimination and exclusion of LGBT persons, I will err on the side of love and inclusion.
I'm not trying to set myself as an example of what other Christians should believe. That is something they have to prayerfully work out between their own heart and God. I am simply saying that when I try to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and when I try to make it real in me that His love surpasses all knowledge, this is one of many things that kind of love looks like to me: it looks like treating my homosexual brothers and sisters the same way I would treat those who are heterosexual.
It means supporting the right of two consenting adults to marry. It means acknowledging and opposing discrimination whenever and wherever I encounter it. It means showing love and working to gain understanding. It means realizing that even if there are things that I may not fully be able to explain, I'm going to keep working to shift the balance to love and strive for understanding.
Of course, the other part of making this real is that it also means love for the people who disagree with me -- and not just the ones who respectfully disagree. It means that I must make every effort to show the same respect and the same love to the people who say things that to me sound nothing like God's love or who advocate a position I think is wrong. It isn't okay for me to err on the side of love for only one group or one school of thought and then behave as though God's love doesn't apply to the others.
My heart must cling to grace for every one of us and pray that regardless of which side is right, His love will cover over it all.
I've finally realized that for me, there is no sense in arguing. From a scriptural perspective, there is so much debate over things like cultural context or which interpretation of what word was chosen over another and then how that was translated that I don't believe I can determine with one-hundred percent certainty what is "right" in regards to whether or not a person should be able to marry another person of the same gender.
And it makes no sense for me to argue over it because I've decided this is something about which I am willing to be wrong.
I believe in God’s grace. I believe there are things the Church has gotten wrong in the past and that as difficult and disturbing as it is for me to wrap my mind around sometimes, His grace somehow covers even those things. I believe that if it turns out that I am wrong about homosexuality, God’s grace can cover that too.
I believe that telling an LGBT person that I don't agree with part of who they are would be like someone telling me that they realize I am a woman but they just can't accept that part of me. I believe that telling an LGBT person that they should try to stop being LGBT would be similar to someone telling me that I should stop being a woman. I believe that if being "right" means advocating for or allowing discrimination and exclusion of LGBT persons, I will err on the side of love and inclusion.
I'm not trying to set myself as an example of what other Christians should believe. That is something they have to prayerfully work out between their own heart and God. I am simply saying that when I try to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and when I try to make it real in me that His love surpasses all knowledge, this is one of many things that kind of love looks like to me: it looks like treating my homosexual brothers and sisters the same way I would treat those who are heterosexual.
It means supporting the right of two consenting adults to marry. It means acknowledging and opposing discrimination whenever and wherever I encounter it. It means showing love and working to gain understanding. It means realizing that even if there are things that I may not fully be able to explain, I'm going to keep working to shift the balance to love and strive for understanding.
Of course, the other part of making this real is that it also means love for the people who disagree with me -- and not just the ones who respectfully disagree. It means that I must make every effort to show the same respect and the same love to the people who say things that to me sound nothing like God's love or who advocate a position I think is wrong. It isn't okay for me to err on the side of love for only one group or one school of thought and then behave as though God's love doesn't apply to the others.
My heart must cling to grace for every one of us and pray that regardless of which side is right, His love will cover over it all.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Weave: Wrestling With My Word
I know we aren't even a month in, but I'm already wrestling with my word. It's difficult to describe, but the closest I can come to explaining how I feel about it is "disoriented." Weave. I know it was supposed to be one word for one year, and that was honestly my goal when I chose it. Yet somewhere along the way I realized this can't be just a fling and I began to think in terms of settling in together long-term.
Maybe I'm over-thinking it or overwhelmed or just overtired, but I feel borderline-anxiety when I stop and contemplate how all of it is going to work out. I guess that isn't completely uncommon at the beginning of any serious relationship. After the initial exhilaration of the newness and potential, the realization that your life has changed forever by simply deciding to see where it goes can give pause to even the most confident of hearts. It is exciting to think about all that could be, but also difficult not to wonder if it will be able to live up to the high hopes. Identifying the direction to pursue and the effort required has caused me to have similar thoughts about this whole "weave" thing. It's a bit thrilling and intimidating all at once.
I realize now that I'm not going to end this year with some kind of finished product. It was a bit naive of me to think that I could string together a collection of months on this effort and end up with a completed "coherent whole." Admitting this realization is slightly freeing, but also unnerving. Even though I'm letting myself off the hook of having this wrapped up in the next eleven months, I feel an enormous amount of self-imposed pressure to get this year right, to not mess up what feels like laying the foundation of a long-term effort.
I guess that is where the disorientation is creeping in. I'd entered this as something to live out and write about for a collection of months, but I can already feel a shift in the way I approach so many things. This year can't be about having reached a specific goal by the time December 31st arrives. I can already tell it is more about learning how and what to weave every day -- learning to be intentional about what I choose as the overall pattern of my life. Sorting, reflecting, completing, speaking my heart, helping others, and learning to listen are things I've only begun to delve into and I know there is so much more I still have to learn.
I'm still getting to know my word, still wrestling with how it will fit into my life and how my life is going to look as it changes to accommodate the commitment. This may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, but I'm already feeling the weight of knowing we're in it for the long haul. I'm already feeling the weight of committing to be a weaver.
Anyone else having unanticipated struggles with their word? Also, I talked my friends Jenny and Jessica into joining me in the OneWord 365 effort. Check out how their words are going to shape their 2013.
Maybe I'm over-thinking it or overwhelmed or just overtired, but I feel borderline-anxiety when I stop and contemplate how all of it is going to work out. I guess that isn't completely uncommon at the beginning of any serious relationship. After the initial exhilaration of the newness and potential, the realization that your life has changed forever by simply deciding to see where it goes can give pause to even the most confident of hearts. It is exciting to think about all that could be, but also difficult not to wonder if it will be able to live up to the high hopes. Identifying the direction to pursue and the effort required has caused me to have similar thoughts about this whole "weave" thing. It's a bit thrilling and intimidating all at once.
I realize now that I'm not going to end this year with some kind of finished product. It was a bit naive of me to think that I could string together a collection of months on this effort and end up with a completed "coherent whole." Admitting this realization is slightly freeing, but also unnerving. Even though I'm letting myself off the hook of having this wrapped up in the next eleven months, I feel an enormous amount of self-imposed pressure to get this year right, to not mess up what feels like laying the foundation of a long-term effort.
I guess that is where the disorientation is creeping in. I'd entered this as something to live out and write about for a collection of months, but I can already feel a shift in the way I approach so many things. This year can't be about having reached a specific goal by the time December 31st arrives. I can already tell it is more about learning how and what to weave every day -- learning to be intentional about what I choose as the overall pattern of my life. Sorting, reflecting, completing, speaking my heart, helping others, and learning to listen are things I've only begun to delve into and I know there is so much more I still have to learn.
I'm still getting to know my word, still wrestling with how it will fit into my life and how my life is going to look as it changes to accommodate the commitment. This may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, but I'm already feeling the weight of knowing we're in it for the long haul. I'm already feeling the weight of committing to be a weaver.
Anyone else having unanticipated struggles with their word? Also, I talked my friends Jenny and Jessica into joining me in the OneWord 365 effort. Check out how their words are going to shape their 2013.
Friday, January 18, 2013
3 AM and Proverbs 4
I know I wrote recently about words and learning to use them well and speak from my heart. That is important. I want be able to honestly express what I think and feel. I want to be understood. I think many of us would agree that when we feel deep down that another person understands us, it is beautiful and we can feel the balance shift just a little in the right direction.
Here on this blog, it is okay if I focus on explaining the things in my head and heart. That is a large part of why I started it. I appreciate the effort of trying to work things out in written words and I love to connect with other people who do the same. It is appropriate for the point of this space to be where I try to explain what I think and what I mean and what I believe.
But at about three o’clock this morning, as I was thinking over several things I wanted to explain, I realized that I need to balance my pursuit of expressing myself with discernment for the times I need to check my desire to explain. Outside of this blog, there will frequently be times when it’s not about people “getting” me, not about telling people what I think.
I need to pay attention for the times in life that are more about gaining understanding, than giving it.
And there is a lot I do not understand.
I realized that I have to work to be present in a place of trying to gain understanding. Conversations are not simply about launching into what I think or how I disagree or what I'd like others to understand that I mean. When I engage in a dialogue with someone, it needs to be from a place that shows that what I think or want to explain is not my main goal. Many times, setting aside those things for the sake of listening and really hearing the other person should be my priority. And that means listinging and thinking about what is being expressed without being preoccupied with what point I want to make next. It means focusing on the other person.
Even if that means listening to the hard stuff.
Even if that means listening to words that seem like criticism of me and what I think and how I feel.
Yes. I know there will be times it is right for me to state my case. There will be times to stand up and disagree. There will be times to walk away from a conversation. There will be times to say that a response was unwarranted or inappropriate. There will be a time when I won't gain understanding no matter how earnestly I try.
But I have to begin by not jumping in with my responses before I've listened. I have to begin by working, with humility and a sincere heart, to gain understanding. I realize that sometimes this will mean not being able to explain myself. I realize that may mean foregoing the opportunity to state my case.
But that is okay.
It's the listening and the understanding I need to be working on anyway.
Though it cost you all you have, get understanding. – Proverbs 4:7
Here on this blog, it is okay if I focus on explaining the things in my head and heart. That is a large part of why I started it. I appreciate the effort of trying to work things out in written words and I love to connect with other people who do the same. It is appropriate for the point of this space to be where I try to explain what I think and what I mean and what I believe.
But at about three o’clock this morning, as I was thinking over several things I wanted to explain, I realized that I need to balance my pursuit of expressing myself with discernment for the times I need to check my desire to explain. Outside of this blog, there will frequently be times when it’s not about people “getting” me, not about telling people what I think.
I need to pay attention for the times in life that are more about gaining understanding, than giving it.
And there is a lot I do not understand.
I realized that I have to work to be present in a place of trying to gain understanding. Conversations are not simply about launching into what I think or how I disagree or what I'd like others to understand that I mean. When I engage in a dialogue with someone, it needs to be from a place that shows that what I think or want to explain is not my main goal. Many times, setting aside those things for the sake of listening and really hearing the other person should be my priority. And that means listinging and thinking about what is being expressed without being preoccupied with what point I want to make next. It means focusing on the other person.
Even if that means listening to the hard stuff.
Even if that means listening to words that seem like criticism of me and what I think and how I feel.
Yes. I know there will be times it is right for me to state my case. There will be times to stand up and disagree. There will be times to walk away from a conversation. There will be times to say that a response was unwarranted or inappropriate. There will be a time when I won't gain understanding no matter how earnestly I try.
But I have to begin by not jumping in with my responses before I've listened. I have to begin by working, with humility and a sincere heart, to gain understanding. I realize that sometimes this will mean not being able to explain myself. I realize that may mean foregoing the opportunity to state my case.
But that is okay.
It's the listening and the understanding I need to be working on anyway.
Though it cost you all you have, get understanding. – Proverbs 4:7
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Sidenotes and Ramblings
When I was writing yesterday's post, I did a search for scripture verses about helping. I had some vague impressions of old Sunday School memory verses I was trying to locate, but nothing was what I was looking for. I kept coming back to the 1 John verse. I've been thinking about that one A LOT as I've been sorting ever-so-tediously through my unravelings. Even though it doesn't include the word "help," I think that many of us would agree that Jesus did a lot of helping in his life on earth. I went with it.
Work has been insane lately. I can't catch up. I've been stressed. I've lost weight. My already strange sleep patterns are messed up in a different way now than they were a few weeks ago. I know it goes in cycles and I just have to get through this absurd patch, but right now I can barely keep track of my assignments. It doesn't help that I'm preoccupied with all the stuff my brain is trying to sort out, but I'm trying to manage and trying to learn to switch back and forth.
An hour into the official work day, but already into my second hour of conference calls today, I checked the YouVersion Bible app on my iPod. This is the verse of the day:
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." - Hebrews 6:10
No joke.
Sometimes I look for something and can't find it to save my life. Sometimes I'm not even looking and it finds me. Life is funny like that.
I have a feeling "helping others" is going to be a vital component of my One Word this year.
Work has been insane lately. I can't catch up. I've been stressed. I've lost weight. My already strange sleep patterns are messed up in a different way now than they were a few weeks ago. I know it goes in cycles and I just have to get through this absurd patch, but right now I can barely keep track of my assignments. It doesn't help that I'm preoccupied with all the stuff my brain is trying to sort out, but I'm trying to manage and trying to learn to switch back and forth.
An hour into the official work day, but already into my second hour of conference calls today, I checked the YouVersion Bible app on my iPod. This is the verse of the day:
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." - Hebrews 6:10
No joke.
Sometimes I look for something and can't find it to save my life. Sometimes I'm not even looking and it finds me. Life is funny like that.
I have a feeling "helping others" is going to be a vital component of my One Word this year.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Please Help Your Brother
Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did. – 1 John 2:6
This weekend I was bemoaning to myself how many times a day I have to say "please help your brother" to the boys. I usually have to follow this with some sort of reason – He is too short to reach it. He is already doing something else. He has his hands full. He is scared. You helped make the mess. I need you to help him because I can't help him right now because my hands are covered in noodle dough (can’t you see that!?), etc., etc., etc.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE! JUST HELP YOUR BROTHER BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND!
Gah. So frustrating. When will they learn to help each other without my intervention!?
Nothing like a good internal rant about the shortcomings of others to get a kick in the ass about your own behavior. My very next thought was something like this:
Trischa. How often do you step in and help your brother?
Oh. Um.
I am not one to say "God told me..." Phrases like that are thrown around far too often and can do a lot of damage when people say they are acting on God’s directive and end up in the wrong place. I do not feel that I am qualified to discern with one-hundred percent certainty where thoughts come from. I do, however, think that some whispers and realizations come to us from outside ourselves. Considering that I have no male siblings, I don't think that thought above came from my own brain. Who am I helping?
I do try to be a generally helpful person. I try not to inconvenience people. I take advantage of the opportunities to help that are so obvious it would honestly be bad manners to not help. There is nothing wrong with this. Good manners are… good. But when was the last time that I inconvenienced myself to offer real and necessary help to someone who needs it?
It’s been a while. And that has to change.
To be continued....
PS. For the record, my kids can be surprisingly helpful to each other and to others. We just had a rough weekend.
This weekend I was bemoaning to myself how many times a day I have to say "please help your brother" to the boys. I usually have to follow this with some sort of reason – He is too short to reach it. He is already doing something else. He has his hands full. He is scared. You helped make the mess. I need you to help him because I can't help him right now because my hands are covered in noodle dough (can’t you see that!?), etc., etc., etc.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE! JUST HELP YOUR BROTHER BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND!
Gah. So frustrating. When will they learn to help each other without my intervention!?
Nothing like a good internal rant about the shortcomings of others to get a kick in the ass about your own behavior. My very next thought was something like this:
Trischa. How often do you step in and help your brother?
Oh. Um.
I am not one to say "God told me..." Phrases like that are thrown around far too often and can do a lot of damage when people say they are acting on God’s directive and end up in the wrong place. I do not feel that I am qualified to discern with one-hundred percent certainty where thoughts come from. I do, however, think that some whispers and realizations come to us from outside ourselves. Considering that I have no male siblings, I don't think that thought above came from my own brain. Who am I helping?
I do try to be a generally helpful person. I try not to inconvenience people. I take advantage of the opportunities to help that are so obvious it would honestly be bad manners to not help. There is nothing wrong with this. Good manners are… good. But when was the last time that I inconvenienced myself to offer real and necessary help to someone who needs it?
It’s been a while. And that has to change.
To be continued....
PS. For the record, my kids can be surprisingly helpful to each other and to others. We just had a rough weekend.
Monday, January 14, 2013
When Words Are All I Have
There are times in life when words fail me. Sometimes they fail my heart. Sometimes they fail my mind.
When it comes to interactions with others, it could be for any number of reasons – from physical distance to overwhelming circumstances. Whatever the reason, I often feel that letters and syllables cannot possibly encompass all that my heart wants to express.
If I’m lucky, life allows for alternate methods of communication, like physical presence or standing in or helping out. A way to show, instead of say. A way to shift the balance to hope, to life, to good with action instead of words. These opportunities should not be wasted. I know from experience the regret of letting such an opportunity go by without seizing it.
Yet, sometimes, I can’t be there and there is nothing I can do, no matter how much I care. This is more reality than a matter of missed opportunity. Life and circumstances can be too messy or too limiting or too distancing to allow for action or presence; all I have to offer are words, when words seem useless to my heart.
I'm learning, however, these are the times to stop trying so damn hard to find exactly the right thing to say and let my heart figure out the words. Yes, it is incredibly frightening to be vulnerable and to risk saying the wrong thing. I do worry that the words will come out wrong or be taken in a way I don't intend or ultimately won't communicate what I actually feel. Yet I'm striving to discern the times when keeping the words in my heart to myself is another form of missing an opportunity to shift the balance. I'm trying to make myself let my heart speak despite my uncertainty.
Words can also fail me when I try to explain what's in my head and come up short. This can happen when I'm trying to explain something to someone else, but also when I'm trying to work something out in my own thoughts to gain that elusive prize of understanding – a deeper understanding that can be defined and set to words instead of remaining a half-formed gut-feeling I don't fully comprehend.
Considering my limitations when it comes to words, I realized that as I figure out what to weave, words have to be my partner as I sort and separate. Once I begin to weave, words will help me avoid relying too heavily on emotions I can’t articulate and which can be easily swayed or disturbingly fickle. Focusing on getting the words right will help me stay present and focused. Of course, I can't entirely ignore the words from my heart, the ones I need to sustain my hope of shifting the balance. What I weave must come from my heart as well as my mind and it will come to life in letters and syllables and sentences.
I'm still not sure I will be able to live up to these expectations I've placed on myself. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to strike the right balance and find the right words. My baggage, my unraveled mess – I don’t know if I can make them make sense to me, let alone to anyone else. But I think that if words are all I have to work with, they have to be enough. I have to keep trying.
cast aside
the filters
and the synonyms
to let the
words
tumble
out
as they form.
discard
facades and
string together sentiments
from where they exist
carefully guarded.
erase
the space between
with honesty
and fragile thoughts.
when
words are all you have,
you must speak your heart.
uncensored.
When it comes to interactions with others, it could be for any number of reasons – from physical distance to overwhelming circumstances. Whatever the reason, I often feel that letters and syllables cannot possibly encompass all that my heart wants to express.
If I’m lucky, life allows for alternate methods of communication, like physical presence or standing in or helping out. A way to show, instead of say. A way to shift the balance to hope, to life, to good with action instead of words. These opportunities should not be wasted. I know from experience the regret of letting such an opportunity go by without seizing it.
Yet, sometimes, I can’t be there and there is nothing I can do, no matter how much I care. This is more reality than a matter of missed opportunity. Life and circumstances can be too messy or too limiting or too distancing to allow for action or presence; all I have to offer are words, when words seem useless to my heart.
I'm learning, however, these are the times to stop trying so damn hard to find exactly the right thing to say and let my heart figure out the words. Yes, it is incredibly frightening to be vulnerable and to risk saying the wrong thing. I do worry that the words will come out wrong or be taken in a way I don't intend or ultimately won't communicate what I actually feel. Yet I'm striving to discern the times when keeping the words in my heart to myself is another form of missing an opportunity to shift the balance. I'm trying to make myself let my heart speak despite my uncertainty.
Words can also fail me when I try to explain what's in my head and come up short. This can happen when I'm trying to explain something to someone else, but also when I'm trying to work something out in my own thoughts to gain that elusive prize of understanding – a deeper understanding that can be defined and set to words instead of remaining a half-formed gut-feeling I don't fully comprehend.
Considering my limitations when it comes to words, I realized that as I figure out what to weave, words have to be my partner as I sort and separate. Once I begin to weave, words will help me avoid relying too heavily on emotions I can’t articulate and which can be easily swayed or disturbingly fickle. Focusing on getting the words right will help me stay present and focused. Of course, I can't entirely ignore the words from my heart, the ones I need to sustain my hope of shifting the balance. What I weave must come from my heart as well as my mind and it will come to life in letters and syllables and sentences.
I'm still not sure I will be able to live up to these expectations I've placed on myself. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to strike the right balance and find the right words. My baggage, my unraveled mess – I don’t know if I can make them make sense to me, let alone to anyone else. But I think that if words are all I have to work with, they have to be enough. I have to keep trying.
cast aside
the filters
and the synonyms
to let the
words
tumble
out
as they form.
discard
facades and
string together sentiments
from where they exist
carefully guarded.
erase
the space between
with honesty
and fragile thoughts.
when
words are all you have,
you must speak your heart.
uncensored.
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