Tuesday

Tuesdays are the strangest days. Even if it's nice weather or something nice happens... they always seem 'off.' I have no explanation for this.

The good news is that I received my new wireless router today. The bad news is that I can't install it on my laptop because it's Tuesday. Oh... and because the setup thing is missing some file. I don't know. Geek Squad anyone?

I have no poems to share today. I'm blaming Tuesday.

I'm going to mess with the router some more and then go to bed. Maybe Wednesday can get it to work.

At least I posted and didn't miss another day. Even if it is complete, rambling nonsense.

Window Eyes

It's a pretty, sunny day. I'd like to think spring might actually be thinking about sticking around, but it's difficult since we seem to be in a cycle of really nice Monday-Wednesday and then a slow decline to really crap weekends -- it was cloudy and windy and snowed/sleeted a little yesterday.

I have a rewrite of something I wrote last month. Well... a partial rewrite. Of course it's incomplete. (I'm thinking I should change the name of my blog to 'Poems Unfinished')

Visible,
yet unobserved.
Window eyes show the soul,
but few hold a gaze long enough to truly see.
Knowing
takes more than a glance over your shoulder as you walk away.
Love
is looking long enough.

Now as I'm re-reading it I'm thinking it kind of goes with my favorite quote: "Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."- Rabbi Julins Gordon
Kind of the same theme. That's okay, right? It would be nice to know how the poem comes across. When I wrote it I wasn't thinking of romantic love. The 'Love' in it is just supposed to be about caring enough for another person that you actually take the time to get to know them. Maybe I need to re-rewrite it?

Psalm 18:16-20 in Two Translations

(NIV)
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

(The Message)
But me he caught—reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved—surprised to be loved! God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.

I think I first read the NIV translation of this when I was in college. So many times since then, the phrase "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters" has gone through my mind. A reminder that sometimes I'm overwhelmed by circumstances (mostly resulting from my own choices) where I just need Him to step in. To draw me out of deep waters. To save me from myself. This verse has been a constant comfort to me that this is the God I've chosen to serve. Not that he will just 'magically' change the circumstances, but that he is that personal of a God. It doesn't read "reached down from on high and saved mankind." It says "me." It's a bit overwhelming.

So this morning I was running late for church and ran back in to the house to get something for Luke. I remembered that I'd forgotten my Bible and that it was all the way in my bedroom and my copy of 'The Message' was in the next room so I just grabbed it instead. During the service they were talking about God's Love for us being like that of a Father for his children and Psalm 18 came to mind. Really not much to do with what they were talking about, but I went ahead and checked it out in The Message translation. WOW. It's like a poem. Check it out like this:

But me he caught—
reached all the way from sky to sea;
he pulled me out of that ocean of hate,
that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—
surprised to be loved!
God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.

I know it comes from the same original text, but I have to say I LOVE The Message translation! There is really nothing else I can say about it. Wow.

The Non-Ending Poem

I have issues. (This is obvious to most people who know me. Thankfully some of them still talk to me anyway.) I'm starting to think that I have some serious writer's block. Or maybe I'm not even supposed to try to write at all. Here is my latest unfinished work:

Pins and needles.
The unknown becoming
un-numb.
Annoyance.
Truth thawing and
drip, drip, dripping
into my consciousness until
my old thoughts are gasping for air.

(Then I have some other crap I don't feel like sharing yet and then...)

Futile to attempt
to re-freeze this unwelcome thaw.
Alone, with new thoughts rising.

See what I mean? It's not TERRIBLE, but really not that good either. And I cannot seem to find what goes in the middle or determine if there should be something different or additional at the end. I think it kind of gets the idea across, but so would a well-written sentence or two in a blog or journal. I really want it to be something that someone else could relate to. Someone else who has experienced one of those moments where you realize something about yourself or about something important to you that makes you question just about everything that seemed clear previously. Not that you can dictate what another person gets from your work, but you can do your best to lead them in a certain direction. Maybe that's what I'm having trouble with. Maybe I can't even lead myself in a certain direction. Hmmmm.... maybe I should sleep on it.

Partial

I know I already mentioned how much I love certain lyrics. Here's another Jack Johnson one for you: "I've been feelin' kind of seasick lately. See you reaching to me, gonna save me. You or me, I would much rather take the fall."

I was going to say I was jealous of people who write things that I love that much, but I'm not. I'm happy for them that they are so talented and have found a venue through which to share their talent. Really, I just get a little freaked out by how much I can identify with the words of a complete stranger. I was working on something about it. I'm still working it out. It's really rough, but here is part of it:

I hear someone else's voice
expressing the unformed thoughts
swirling in my head.
I'm haunted by my heart
in someone else's throat.

I am really starting to hate that I have so much incomplete work. I guess that's part of the process, but I find it annoying. I mean, for most of it I've written more, but just think the quality, the phrasing, the ideas are so poor that I usually discard it. Then I'm left with a partial poem. Maybe I can publish a book of partial poems.... "Complete Your Own Poems" like the 'Choose your own adventure' books that were popular for about 5 seconds when I was little. Or maybe I can just put all the partials together and pretend it's a really brilliant poem and it's just above people who don't get it.

Ok, I completely digress so I think that means it's time for this rambling to end. At least I didn't miss posting today....

:P

Irresolute

I'm already starting to doubt my 'post something every day' idea. Is it worth it to write every day if what I'm writing is mostly nonsense or not good? I'm really not sure. Part of me thinks it's good to continue because if I get in the habit of writing I will eventually feel less rusty and will finally be rid of whatever crap is taking up brain space in my head. At that point I might start producing something worthwhile. Then part of me feels that it's just a waste of time to write if I have no real inspiration. Will that make whatever I produce seem watered-down, bland, and unimaginative? Why do I constantly second-guess myself?

Frustration!

At this point I've resolved that I will press on until I have proof either way if I should continue. I think.....


Overwhelmed with possibilities
and probabilities.
Paralyzing hesitation
comes in wave upon wave.
Wavering on the edge of resolution.
Grasping for conviction.
Uncertainty.

Wednesday.... Blah

Rainy, blah day. Not the pretty, yay-spring-is-on-the-way! kind of rainy day. It's chilly and windy and gloomy and I am having a totally off day. I can't seem to make small talk with people, can't seem to communicate effectively with managers, can't seem to banter with my work friends. We are talking about a seriously OFF day. I would like to go home and go back to bed and sleep till tomorrow. Oh time travel, why are you so elusive?

I really dislike being in a funk like this. Not that anyone likes being in a funk.... I mean, it's so frustrating when you get to the point where you just stop trying to make the day better because all your attempts only make it worse. One of my co-workers just told me, "it's been a day of interruptions" and I think that is very fitting. It seems every time I get started working on something or feel like progress is being made on the things I'm working on, something comes up and I totally lose momentum. (Right now I'm listening to a conference call for which we are missing one person and everyone is talking about random agenda items for things other than the call topic. Twenty minutes of trying to track someone down so we can actually resolve something. Twenty minutes we can never get back. *Sigh*)

Anyway, enough of that. On to something else. I've been working on this in my head for a while, but I'm stuck. Here are some of the lines swirling around in my head. I'll post them here for now and see if I can make more progress on them at some point in the future when I have more time to focus my undivided attention.

A metal chair scraping on concrete.
Something unfinished.
Firefly lights fading in the background.
Time, adrift in wayward thoughts,
colliding with forgotten lyrics.

And then.... nothing. (No, that's not the last line.... I really have nothing after that. I need to work this out. It's driving me crazy!)

No Time

Ugh. I missed a day already. In my defense, yesterday was very hectic. I had a four-day weekend from work because Friday was Owen's birthday and Ryan was off work this weekend. We are trying to make sure we are both off work for the boys' birthdays so we can make a family day of it. We celebrated Owen's birthday, did some spring cleaning around the house (Ryan does windows!), ran errands, and Ryan worked outside/did outside stuff with the boys. Ryan also finished the boys' sandbox over the weekend and yesterday we got the sand to fill it. It is so cute how much they love it! The lumber wasn't exactly cheap, but the sand was only $13. Probably the best money we've ever spent on them.

So.... I'm out. This is all I have for today, but at least I posted. I have some stuff swirling around in my head, I just need to find the time (and figure out the right words) to get it from swirling to posting.

Colossians 3:12-14 in Two Translations

(NIV)
Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

(The Message)
So, chosen by God for this new life of Love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear Love. It is your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.



This is where I've been for the last two months or so. I've read and re-read lots of other 'Love' passages, but I keep coming back to this. I love both translations, but I especially like "regardless of what else you put on, wear Love. It is your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." Wear Love. If only I could get that to go from the amazing idea I believe it to be, into me actually doing it with more people than my loved ones. I mean, certainly I love my family and I think I do a pretty good job of making sure they know it. However, it's the other people I struggle with. And I'm not just talking about people who cut me off in traffic or are rude at the grocery store. I'm talking about my friends/acquaintances who live outside of the bubble the Church. How do I show those people love without sounding cliche' or like I'm just repeating things I've learned in church. These are the people I live my life with. These are the people who I need in my life, just as much (if not more) as they need me. These are the people in the conversation of my days. They know I'm a Christian and they talk to me anyway. I know they aren't and I have a difficult time imagining my life without them. These are the people who I have to figure out how to be God's love to them, despite the fact that they really don't want it or don't even believe it exists. And this isn't about 'converting' people or trying to convince them to agree with my beliefs. It's just about showing people that God's love is different than ours. This is what I wrestle with.
And here is where I am with it:

You say
to love extravagantly,
but I am awkward and human.
I am broken and quick to judge.
I am not you.
Yet you reached down and took hold of me.
Empty me of the mess of humanity
and fill me
with your love
to overflowing.

(References to 1 Corinthians 13:13 in The Message and to Psalm 18:16 NIV)



More on this to come, I'm sure....

Word List

I love words. I was a total bookworm growing up. I'm going to start a list of words/phrases I eventually want to use in a poem. Maybe this will inspire me to write some more stuff.

Adrift
Dichotomy
Antonym
Haphazard
Wayward
Harmonious
Easeful
Illuminate
Unwisdom
Invisible light


I have more. I need to get out my book of notes and add them, but I don't have time today. So.... more to come.

March 20 Post

I'm off work today for Owen's second birthday. I cannot believe how fast the time goes! I told myself I'd write on here every day, but I really have a lot to do today and not a lot of time to spend online. I'm going to cheat (a little) and just post this rambling and a short poem I wrote when Luke was a few months old. I wrote it for Luke, but it applies equally to both boys.

It's a little weird to share my work with anyone who might stumble upon it, but I think only one person ever looks at this blog besides me so I'm going to try to not be nervous about it. Here goes:

People try.
They try to tell you what it's like.
How the whole world changes.
How you change.
How the instant you see his tiny, screaming face
you will love him merely for existing.
How every second becomes
holding on to moments.
And with every waking breath
you breathe a prayer.

Quotes and Lyrics

I'm such a quote person. I've kept a book of quotes for years. There is just something about reading a morsel of what another person said/wrote and identifying with it so completely that you wish you had thought of it first. Here is my very favorite quote:

"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
- Rabbi Julins Gordon

I love the profound truth of this. This is part of what real love is, isn't it? Seeing the other person in their entirety. Their short-comings, their rough edges, and choosing to look past that to the real inner person. Loving the real person, relaxing your expectations. I'm not talking about accepting behavior that is wrong, I'm talking about in a relationship where you both love each other and have the other person's best interests at heart. Looking past that they didn't say the exact words you wanted to hear, to the fact that they said the words they really meant and thought would help. It seems so many people keep a mental list of all the things the other person messed up or where the other person didn't meet expectations and they end up sucking the life right out of each other and right out of the relationship. Anyway, I just love this expression of the thought of seeing so much more of the real person in your loved one that you really do see less of the flaws.

I also consider song lyrics to be in the same category as quotes. I love when I'm listening to a song and a line just stands out. It's as though the song would mean nothing to me if it were missing that line. I have songs I will listen to from time to time just to hear one or two lines. Sometimes I even scan back a few times just to hear the lines I like.
Right now I'm listening to Jack Johnson almost obsessively because I love his lyrics AND we are right on the verge of spring here in Southern Ohio. We've had a few teaser days where the temperature was above 70.... makes me long for summer. And dresses. And flip-flops. And driving with the windows down without being cold. And Jack Johnson goes perfectly with all those things. Here is a sample favorite line right now:
"Don't be afraid, 'cause no one ever sings alone. Your weight will never be too much for me. Your ideas have always been your own."
Perfection.

Now.... if I can just come up with some of my own lines then maybe I can write some stuff worth sharing.

These are a few of my favorite things...

So, my dad does this thing where, when he really enjoys something, he says "Now that is one of life's little pleasures." These are things like: An ice-cold Pepsi on a hot day. Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie. Schwan's vanilla ice cream. Fishing.
My dad works very hard. I think he's the hardest worker I know and he takes great pride in his work. He works for a contractor and is considered self-employed. He doesn't have a nice, relaxing retirement to look forward to. But he has his priorities straight and takes time to appreciate the small things in life that make the days a little better. In the spirit of this, I'm making a list of my favorite things to remind myself of the little things that make me happy.

Summer. I LOVE summer. I know a lot of people hate it when it is hot and humid, but I love knowing I can go outside in a tank-top and flip-flops and not be cold.

Dresses. This goes with my love of summer, as I hate to be cold and can really only wear dresses if it is 75 or warmer. I think dresses are great. You put on a dress, grab some matching shoes and you look great. I always feel so pretty and girly when I'm wearing a dress. Not that I am pretty and girly, but dresses make me feel like I am, which is kind of nice.

Chapstick brand Lip Moisturizer. I always have this with me. It's the best stuff ever.

A really great cup of coffee. Ah.... how could I live without coffee? I drink it every day, but I especially savor the times when I have a really good, hot cup and time to enjoy every sip.

Owen Talking. I love that Owen (my 2-year-old) can talk now so that I can hear he and Luke (my 3-and-a-half year old) interact with each other. Right now they do this thing when they see each other, even if they've only been apart for a few minutes, where they say hi back and forth. "Oh, Hi Owen" "Hi Yuke" or "Hi Yuke." "Hi Owen" Very 'Oh, fancy meeting you here.' It's the best and makes me smile every time.

Finding just the right word. I write poetry... or at least attempt to. I love it when I'm working on something and I find the word that makes the whole piece work.

Well, I said a few of my favorite things, and I think that counts as 'a few'. when the mood strikes me I might have more to add, but I think this is a good start.

First Post Ever

So... here it is. My first post. I'm not sure why I'm starting a blog. Mostly because I need to make myself write on a more consistent basis, I think. We'll see how well that works.

I just got home from a long day at the office and I'm getting ready to head out for pizza, so this will be a really short post. Hopefully I can come up with something interesting to write for my next post. Better luck to me next time....