Lately I've been feeling a general dissatisfaction. Not dissatisfied with the other people in my life or my life in general... but dissatisfied with myself (it's possible to be dissatisfied with yourself, but not your life, right?). It's not really a funk, since a lot of times I don't think about it. But when I'm all alone... getting ready for work or driving to work or trying to focus on getting something done at work that I don't want to do or cleaning on the weekends after the kids are in bed, I just feel this general questioning and dissatisfaction that I can't quite put my finger on. Like this poem.... which is weird and not quite finished.
Discontent and restless.
An endless stream
of unresolved thoughts.
dragging down the
momentum of my day.
Void of inspiration
and needing incentive
So.... I think I will make a list of the things I know are feeding my discontent. Maybe I can work on resolving or eliminating some of them if I am actually staring at the words and not just leaving them jumbled in my head.
D1 - I am dissatisfied with my job performance. I really like my job. It's the first job I've ever had that I didn't feel like I had mastered within the first two months. I like that it is challenging to me and that I constantly am learning about new things. However, because I feel that it is challenging and I have a lot still to learn, I let self-doubt overwhelm me when questioned about my work. Often times these questions are simply seeking information, but if I am not 100% certain of the answer I begin to doubt what I've done so far. I need to learn to ask ALL the questions so when I am questioned I am ready with an answer I am sure of.
D2 - I am dissatisfied with the amount of time I spend praying. Not really the frequency, but the quality. I usually pray about something a few times an hour.... like "Wow, that person seems to be having a crappy day... please help them have a better day" or "I just remembered that so-and-so was having a medical test today... please help that go well." I always intend to pray more, but when I start trying to pray for a block of time, I get distracted thinking about the people or things I'm praying about.
D3 - I am dissatisfied that I never get up early. There are so many things I could do in the morning if I would get up earlier, but I do not. I hit the snooze bar too many times and then I have to rush around to get in a few minutes working out. Then I rush to get ready and rush to work, always arriving late. I have these visions in my mind about getting up and having plenty of time to work out and then read or write a little while I drink a cup of coffee.... then get ready and arrive to work on time. Sometimes I hate those visions.
D4 - I am dissatisfied with the amount of time I spend reading. I was such a book worm when I was growing up and now I read a couple books a year. Obviously if I woke up earlier I would have more time for reading.....
D5 - I am dissatisfied with my clutter. I come from a very long line of packrats. Thankfully, my husband did not and really helps me curb my packrat tendencies in most cases. However, I still seem to have an amazing amount of clutter. I try to do all the things like going through the mail every day (okay, every other day) and getting rid of everything we don't need, but I still always seem to have a pile of mail I can't discard sitting on our counter. I have stuff stacked on the half-wall by the stairs to take down to the basement. I have piles of papers I carry around in my laptop bag because I made notes on them and might need them at some point. Ugh. I really hate my clutter.
D6 - I'm dissatisfied with my conversation skills. I have no idea what it is, but I always feel like I don't know what to say to people. I can usually do ok making lighthearted banter for a moment or two, but after that I feel like I have no idea what to talk about. And I hate making eye contact with people for very long at all. I usually look off to the side like I'm thinking about something. I'm sure people who don't know me very well think I'm crazy. (I guess they aren't entirely wrong about that.....)
D7 - I'm dissatisfied with my self-doubt and dissatisfaction. I need a plan or something to get rid of it.