I have to start by saying that I can't take full credit for the subject of this post. I was reading Irena's post about her home and it reminded me of this old poem I wrote so I dug it out and.... voila! This post.
Windows Down
Windows down.
Breathing deep the cooled,
yet still hot
air.
Drops have ceased to fall
but the residue of rain
clings everywhere.
Brings to mind
almost forgotten
Summer memories.
Of running barefoot in dew-soaked grass.
Of picking clover and dandelions and
presenting them to mom like bouquets of roses.
Of rolling down the backyard hill
over and over without tiring of the fun.
Windows down.
The aroma of wet gravel
mingling with the scent of corn growing.
Makes me feel,
all at once,
Homesick.
And Home.
This homesick and home idea is so incredibly real to me at times. I feel it most strongly in relation to my sisters, but other people or things (like rainy summer days) bring it out as well. I'm an embarrassingly sentimental person, so many things make me feel this way. Many things evoke that feeling in my gut where I feel like I'm losing out by not being THERE.... But these things are also strangely comforting, just in the experience of the memory.
Sometimes my sister and I are sitting my my couch, here in the home I've made with my husband and kids, and I put my head on her shoulder and suddenly I'm 8 again and my sisters are my only peers. I don't know why this happens to me. Often I can just shake it off, but occasionally I get caught up in it and I feel that I would cease to exist without my connection to my sisters (despite that we can drive each other absolutely crazy). I guess it's in those moments you realize what a raw and gaping hole someone would leave in your life if they were to suddenly not be there. I know it's good for me to realize how much I appreciate certain people.... but I sometimes just REALLY hate the fear and vulnerability I feel in those moments.
You're doing a much better job at posting regularly than I am. :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how memory - and the longing to be back in that memory - just creeps up at odd moments? And sometimes the things that you long for can even be disturbing.
Your past sounds more pleasant than mine. There aren't many things in my past worth remembering, but I still want to go back sometimes. Do you ever think it's just because you want to go back to a time when you weren't really responsible for much? Then we just start to feel vulnerable because we remember the lack of control that we had.
--K
I am doing a much better job. You should post more so I have more to read! ;)
ReplyDeleteI think you're right that there is a longing in all of us for times when we had fewer responsibilities. Although, I really have no desire to go back. I think I'm just afraid of what would happen if I were to somehow lose what connects me to my past?