I have to start by saying that I can't take full credit for the subject of this post. I was reading Irena's post about her home and it reminded me of this old poem I wrote so I dug it out and.... voila! This post.
Breathing deep the cooled,
yet still hot
Drops have ceased to fall
but the residue of rain
Brings to mind
Of running barefoot in dew-soaked grass.
Of picking clover and dandelions and
presenting them to mom like bouquets of roses.
Of rolling down the backyard hill
over and over without tiring of the fun.
The aroma of wet gravel
mingling with the scent of corn growing.
Makes me feel,
all at once,
This homesick and home idea is so incredibly real to me at times. I feel it most strongly in relation to my sisters, but other people or things (like rainy summer days) bring it out as well. I'm an embarrassingly sentimental person, so many things make me feel this way. Many things evoke that feeling in my gut where I feel like I'm losing out by not being THERE.... But these things are also strangely comforting, just in the experience of the memory.
Sometimes my sister and I are sitting my my couch, here in the home I've made with my husband and kids, and I put my head on her shoulder and suddenly I'm 8 again and my sisters are my only peers. I don't know why this happens to me. Often I can just shake it off, but occasionally I get caught up in it and I feel that I would cease to exist without my connection to my sisters (despite that we can drive each other absolutely crazy). I guess it's in those moments you realize what a raw and gaping hole someone would leave in your life if they were to suddenly not be there. I know it's good for me to realize how much I appreciate certain people.... but I sometimes just REALLY hate the fear and vulnerability I feel in those moments.